The Canadian Christ Child Speaks
“And Jesus went about all Galilee… healing all manner of sickness and all manner of disease among the people. Until his moms told him to come in.”
Rolling Stone had the brilliant idea of asking 16-year-old pop sensation Justin Bieber his thoughts on hot button political topics because there’s no way a Canadian kid privy to all of Hollywood and its excess, yet groomed to be the Messiah wouldn’t spew out some gems. And to his credit, he actually manages to offend everyone. I’m genuinely impressed.
On which political party he’d vote for:
“I’m not sure about the parties. But whatever they have in Korea, that’s bad.”
“You guys are evil. Canada’s the best country in the world. We go to the doctor and we don’t need to worry about paying him, but here, your whole life, you’re broke because of medical bills. My bodyguard’s baby was premature, and now he has to pay for it. In Canada, if your baby’s premature, he stays in the hospital as long as he needs to, and then you go home.”
“Canada doesn’t go around attacking people.”
“It’s everyone’s own decision to do that. It doesn’t affect me and it shouldn’t affect anyone else.”
“I feel I have an obligation to plant little seeds with my fans. I’m not going to tell them, ‘You need Jesus,’ but I will say at the end of my show, ‘God loves you.'”
“I really don’t believe in abortion. I think [an embryo] is a human. It’s like killing a baby. [In the case of rape], I think that’s really sad, but everything happens for a reason. I don’t know how that would be a reason. I guess I haven’t been in that position, so I wouldn’t be able to judge that.”
“I think you should just wait for the person you’re…in love with.”
I understand this kid is just learning the game, so here’s a friendly tip as my way of saying thanks for surprisingly not being the homophobe Christianity would prefer he’d be, and also all that socialized medicine talk: If you’re trying to have sex for the first time with your famous girlfriend, you’re gonna want to not broadcast it to Rolling Stone right after saying you’ll think she’s a murderer if she doesn’t keep the baby you accidentally put in her. I know, “girls are so weird,” but they’re holding all the vaginas. Now has someone talked to you about lying? I know you’re programmed not to, but it’s literally the only thing you can trust from here on out. A faithful sidearm, if you will. *pivots* I was at my brother’s!
See what I mean?