If It Was Punchable, The Hulk Punched It:
A Review of ‘The Avengers’

May 7th, 2012 // 115 Comments

“Seriously, guys, tell me that flying boat ride wasn’t awesome. It even had a pirate with an eye patch! A black pirate, but that’s okay ’cause this is the future.”

So last summer, I decided to spice things up because, frankly, you used to be way freakier before we moved in together. This resulted in me writing horrible nerdy reviews of Thor, X-Men: First Class, Shit Lantern and Captain America: The First Avenger that would make Roger Ebert immediately spawn a new jaw just so that one could fall off in disbelief that someone actually pays me to write words on the Internet. More importantly, they gave Photo Boy and I an excuse to cut out early and eat burritos in the middle of the afternoon along with sharing our deep love of cinema blah blah blah did I say put beans on that? I did not say put beans on that. So this summer I’ll be tackling The Avengers, Prometheus, The Amazing Spider-man and The Dark Knight Rises which I can already tell you will be nothing but a picture of my erect penis with batwings taped to it finally earning me the Roger Ebert respect I so clearly deserve provided he didn’t read that jaw joke earlier. Anyway…

The Shit That Worked:
- This trailer before the movie:

Granted by the time the decision was made, Disney knew they’d basically just printed themselves money with The Avengers, I don’t know who the hell thought it’d be a good idea to let the new The Dark Knight Rises trailer run just before the movie started because let me tell you what I was thinking about the whole time and still to this very second: The new The Dark Knight Rises trailer. Let me tell you what I wasn’t thinking about without actively forcing myself to so I can make dick jokes about it: The Avengers. Sure, it’s going to make The Dark Knight money, but letting that trailer run just made sure you knew that a Christopher Nolan film and a Joss Whedon movie are two completely different experiences. One is a delicious craft beer served post-coitus in a chilled glass by the beautiful woman you just coited, the other is a serviceable experience of drinking a can of beer after masturbating to Internet porn.
- Mark Ruffalo. Best Bruce Banner yet.
- Tom Hiddleston‘s evil grin. There was just something perfectly menacing about it and he was just fucking great again as Loki mostly because he had the whole movie to himself unlike Thor who literally gets left in a field at one point there’s so many characters crammed into this thing. I’m not even joking.

The Shit That Kinda Worked:
- [Ed. Note: I had a hard time deciding whether to put this one here or in The Shit That Worked, but in the end the movie was too "safe" and by the numbers to lack the nudge to go into Fuck Yeah! territory above because, Good God, that Batman trailer.] The whole movie in general was an amazing exercise in setting low expectations than surprising the fuck out of everybody when everything seems to hum along pretty smoothly because, as early set photos showed, this thing had everything going for it to become an Iron Man 2-esque debacle. Scarlett Johansson wasn’t completely superfluous. (Although still horribly miscast as Black Widow. Seriously, all this part required was a tall, leggy, supermodel redhead with giant tits to say, “Tovarish Stark, are you vitting on me?” and then she shoots a bad guy in the dick. And if you want to say there’s more to the Black Widow character than that, she’s banging Bucky in the comics now. Bucky. Your argument’s dead now. I killed it.) Captain America‘s new suit didn’t look that bad mostly because Joss Whedon made the wise decision to have him conveniently lose his mask a lot. The whole movie did enough tap dancing to get the final money battle at the end a.k.a. the part where The Hulk pummels the shit out of fucking everything while you wait for the plot to wrap up in a nice neat little bow because everyone needs to be back for the sequel.
- The dialogue. Like every thing else, completely serviceable – Save for Robert Downey Jr. who naturally ate every piece of scenery in his path, although didn’t quite feel as “on” as he did in the Iron Man flicks. You could tell he was just going through the motions, yet still owned everyone in the room. – and at some points pitch-perfect until the team bickering went way overboard right before Loki’s plan started. We get it, Joss Whedon, you like pithy quip fights.
- Thor‘s powers. I really tried not to think too much during this movie, but it’s hard to get a good frame of reference for Thor’s strength when one minute he’s wielding incredible lightning powers and being touted as a goddamn deity, then the next Iron Man can toss him around like a rag doll while Captain America’s shield can apparently deflect a mythical hammer that not even The Hulk can pick up. Same goes with Loki, also a god, but apparently you can just punch him in the face. (Fun Fact: You know who you can’t punch in the face? Steve Rogers’ Christian God. Mostly because he doesn’t dress like a fag.)
- Nick Fury. This is not the fault of Samuel L. Jackson, but they seriously are not writing this character badass enough for these movies. Not even close. Nick Fury should have deceptions on top of deceptions on top of you never know when he’ll turn around and spy-shoot you in the dick. This Nick Fury mainly acts tired/too old for this shit and dresses like he’s in The Matrix.
- The post-credit kickers. Personally I think they should’ve flipped the two around because seeing [PERSON ONLY DORKS WILL RECOGNIZE] – Although screw that dialogue unless advanced intergalactic species are really that big of pussies. – would’ve been a bigger nerd payoff than the comedy kicker which was, admittedly, kind of funny though I’m personally offended Thor didn’t say his sandwich lacked peppercorn. I WILL EAT YOUR CHILDREN, JOSS WHEDON.

The Shit That Shat:
- The space scenes with the Chitauri. Holy fuck, welcome to Power Rangers city. This movie had some really bad set pieces – The mountain scene with Thor and Loki being another. – and this one was borderline Schumacher-esque.
- After you see the movie, think about Loki’s plan while on the Triskelion. Now ask yourself, didn’t his team that was already in place do all the work anyway? And there’s your gaping plot hole.
- Almost every word out of Captain America’s mouth following the halfway mark. I understand he’s supposed to be “old-fashioned,” you’re beat over the head with that fact, but every big speech by him is just god-awfully delivered to the point that you really start to think Chris Evans was the wrong choice. Seriously, every time he starts an order, “Alright, everyone, listen up…” it’s like you’re watching a parody of a war movie. “Alright, everyone, listen up, we’re outnumbered. We’re outmatched. This guy thought a fucking bow and arrow would be a great idea – It’s called a gun, dickface. Carry one. – but we’re going to hold this line while Robot Man, Lightning Hammer and Shrek do all the work.”

Alright, enough nerd quibbling, here’s the bottom line: The Avengers was fun. Mindless, serviceable fun, but fun nonetheless. I’m seeing a lot of reviews and comments of people touting it as the “best superhero movie” ever, but is definitely, without a doubt, not that. It is surprisingly good and a pretty decent payoff if you’ve invested yourself in the Marvel movies leading up to it. Honestly, I still think X-Men: First Class was a better movie mostly because it was more of a compelling character study of Professor X and Magneto. This was, hey, we pulled off getting everyone together, now let’s have them punch the fuck out of shit and make snappy one-liners. Which there’s absolutely nothing wrong with and if you’re looking for just that, holy shit, this movie fucking has it in spades although via set pieces and camera angles that won’t compare to The Dark Knight Rises trailer that will sexify your eyeballs. So instead of giving it a score, here’s where I’d rate it on enjoyment level compared to the flicks leading up to it:

1. Thor (I wasn’t entirely over the moon on this one at first, but it’s surprisingly the one I have the most fun rewatching. I can’t explain it.)
2. The Avengers
3. Iron Man
4. Captain America
5. The Incredible Hulk
1,997. Iron Man 2

You may now go berserk that I just ranked Thor the top movie which I’m surprised with myself and may or may not have to do with how bad I feel about his portrayal in this movie. They left him in a field. And with nary a trace of peppercorn! Have you no soul?

Photos: Splash News

superficial

  1. Great movie, but Scarlett Johansson and her fetal alcohol syndrome face was a bit annoying. I completely agree she was miscast.

    • Thank GOD I am not the only one who thinks she’s ugly. I call her a “retarded cupie doll.” I like yours better.

      • yayame

        Of course you think she’s ugly, Kelly. You’re a fat ugly, jealous chick. You’re blinded by envy. Get a life. We both know she is not ugly. But you are inside and out.

      • Uhh, not a jealous woman. I like women, actually. I just dislike Scarlett and think she was miscast. I haven’t thought she was pretty, ever. I didn’t think expressing an opinion made me jealous. I actually find her body fantastic and think it’s unfortunately attached to the wrong head… I’m sorry that my idea of beauty doesn’t fit yours. I also prefer women such as Kelly Brook and Sofia Vergara. As I said… fantastic body… unfortunate face.

      • Nice attempt at an attack, though. I give you a 7/10. It’s gotta bother the person for it to work.

      • Abby Normal

        Unfortunately you took the bait… TWICE, so the halfwit who made the childish insult wins. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

      • I don’t mind responding to trolls… I’m stuck in the house until my car’s done (hooray for living in Amish country!) Should I do it? No….

        I took YOUR bait. didn’t I? So, there ya go. I’m bored enough to enough to engage both of you…. now can we PLEASE go back to the Scarlett is ugly thing? And how Colbie Smothers filled in that catsuit surpringly decently? I thought she’d be too flat in the front… according to google, she’s about a 32B…

      • Abby Normal

        I’m shocked having Sean Penn as her PT didn’t resolve some of those body issues. Maybe she should have used Al Pacino.

      • I do know, actually. and I only disagreed on the jealousy part, now didn’t I? I’m no Kate Beckinsale. And I did know… I’ve known for months, actually. I love the assumptions stupid people make :) Ooh, you found me on google. Big deal… I’m on facebook, too. And Twitter. and a whole bunch of other sites, like Huffington Post. if you’re bored enough to stalk the girl who thinks Scarlett Johansson isn’t pretty (and MUST be jealous): you are even more bored and pathetic than I am. Congratulations!

        Anyway:

        I googled something, and one of the things that popped up was “Scarlett Johansson breast reduction.” And it sorta looks true… but maybe I’m wrong? That would be sad…

      • yuuuki

        Just some friend advice: be more careful with how you post online. There are so many creepos and its really not safe. Try using an anonymous id. I mean celebrities get trashed constantly but they have security guards. Us normal people don’t so really be careful.
        I’m sure if you email the site you can get that personal link deleted. I don’t know why that creepy person did that but they shouldn’t have.
        Okay good luck and byebye

      • She also dropped a lot of weight to play Widow, so it’s possible her breasts just got smaller from that.

      • honest man

        Classic, finally a troll gets her comeuppance, how can someone who looks like you critique ANYONE on their looks? Are you honestly saying you would rather look like you, rather than her?

      • CranAppleSnapple

        You’re a nasty piece of work, aren’t you? You must be very proud of yourself. Creep.

      • chmod

        If there were only two woman on the earth, they’d hate each other out of jealousy. Women are predictable and dim.

      • Crissy

        Im sorry to say that, the whole Facebook thing was a low blow, but he WINS!!!

      • BenDoverman

        Here we go, internet white knight to the rescue. ScarJo will soon call you to thank you for defending her and thus keeping her from killing herself.

      • And

        You are all losers.

    • Parker

      No matter what anyone says about Scarlett, I would pork her hot butt any day. Not really sure what she was doing in this movie though but still, who cares as long as I get to slide my weiner into her sweet ass.

    • eatme

      …she’s fat and can’t act. I remember back when Ghost World came out thinking how great Thora Birch is (who has since become almost completely invisible) and how terrible Scarlett Johansson is. But scarlet got to play the EXACT SAME vapid (useless) character in Lost In Translation and her career was set.

  2. CranAppleSnapple

    I want to have Bruce Banner’s babies.

    • Mike

      I’m pretty sure that would be a bad idea. Isn’t it like if his heart rate goes up he goes all Hulk?? Sooo….. you’re havin the sexy time and then…… HULK SMASH (your vagina).

  3. jumpin_j

    If Scarlett Johansen isn’t showing some serious boobage, this movie can blow me.

  4. whiskeyafternoon

    I know Robert Downey Jr. is the quip-master, but when the Hulk said “demigod” after pummeling the shit out of Loki who claimed that humans couldn’t do such things to gods, I loved it.

    • ChickenHawk

      I believe the Hulk said “puny god” after playing “whackamole” with Loki…

      • Gordon GEICO

        Thanks for clearing that up. The audio volume in the theater I saw it in was remarkably quiet, and all the laughter after the scene completely drowned out what he said.

    • El Jefe

      I swore to God I heard demigod also. Other people are saying puny god and IMDB seems to back this up but I am sure it is demigod. Good excuse for me to see it again just to figure it out for sure.

  5. CptCreep

    Captain America’s shield is made of vibranium. It can absorb any kinetic impact. The powerful the force, the bigger the “bounce” of energy off of it.

    This is nerd 101, stop calling yourself a nerd.

    • WadeWilson

      Thank you. For someone who claims to be a nerd, this is a major oversight.

    • The Kenosha Kid

      Also, I’m pretty sure it’s canon that Cap is one of a very small number of people who are capable of wielding Thor’s hammer.

      (Speaking of which, I’m still kinda pissed that the Chitauri looked so much like Beta Ray Bill, but that turned out to be a giant cocktease and instead we’re apparently going to get The Most Boring Superenemy Ever as the big bad in the sequel.)

    • I’m nerd enough to know Captain America’s shield is made of vibranium, but not nerd enough to know it will stop a mythical hammer that you’d just assume would bludgeon our puny Earth metals into shit-paste. Then again, I have somehow touched a vagina which probably stole that information right out of me. GODDAMMIT.

      • Lemmiwinks

        I’m so dumb… I thought Vibranium was a medical term for Shaken Baby Syndrome.

      • USDA Prime McBeef

        keep talking i’m about to cum.

      • CranAppleSnapple

        That’s why Mariah’s vag is so hefty. It’s full of information.

      • Abby Normal

        Make fun of Mariah’s blunderbuss pudenda all you want, it’s still a great place to stash a canned ham.

      • dooood

        you could probably still destroy the shield with either a black hole or astronomically high temperature

      • CranAppleSnapple

        Hahahahaha!
        Ew. :D

      • Pfft…whatever, Fish. You’re just sore that you overlooked that.

        And the obvious solution to avoiding having vaginas steal your nerd cred is to have sex WHILE doing nerd things. For example, I’m going to go see the Avengers for the second time with a girlfriend of mine. Problem solved.

      • bookgeek79

        Extra nerdy tidbits…vibranium isn’t necessarily an earth metal, it came from space on an asteroid. At least some of it, the stuff in Wakanda is different from the Antarctica variety.

    • EricLr

      Have they retconned Cap yet again? At one point his shield was just bulletproof. Then it was made out of Adamantium. Now its “vibranium”?

      Why not just say it’s made from pixie dust and be done with it?

      • Brandon

        In the comics it’s an alloy of vibranium and adamantium, but the movie rights to adamantium belong to FOX, not Marvel/Disney, so they have to say it’s only vibranium.

  6. sweetwater

    After spending a week on a 30 page journal article, thank you for writing a line that had me laughing so hard I nearly fell out of my chair: “Nick Fury should have deceptions on top of deceptions on top of you never know when he’ll turn around and spy-shoot you in the dick.” Best. Nerd. Line. Ever. (Though, dude, really, it’s vibranium. It absorbs everything.)

    Also, I went to the freaking midnight premiere and was denied TDKR trailer (got the new Spidey one instead). I’m still pissed.

  7. Dick Hell

    I’ve seen the previews. If I didn’t know better I’d swear the whole story is made up.

  8. VichusSmith

    I don’t think it’s “mindless” fun. I think a lot more thought was put into this movie to make it fun than the average blockbuster. I know you mean that it’s not going to have you pondering the mysteries of life or anything, but the writing overall impressed me.

    I do agree that some people deserved to be more badass, but I don’t think that Cap was lame at all.

    i also think that It’s not hard to gauge anyone’s powers. Thor basically gets hit with a missile, in the form of Tony Stark in a suit of armor, and gets right back up. Then he could’ve basically killed Stark if he wanted to. I think that you get the idea that this dude isn’t easy to kill.

  9. Abby Normal

    There’s something really awful about one of the costumes. Now every developmentally disabled kid thinks he or she can grow up to be Captain America.

  10. Sturgeon General

    Fish, you need the beans to propel that burrito through your digestive tract. Without beans you might just as well shove a giant funnel in your ass and fill it with cement.

  11. Bryan

    I wouldn’t be surprised if Thor being ranked #1 is due to the “death scene” where you see the things we didn’t know Natalie Portman had bounce gloriously.

  12. USDA Prime McBeef

    I bet they both pulled off the old cock through the popcorn bucket gag and spent most of the movie giggling and prodding each other to try some popcorn.

  13. PunyGod

    You’re a fan of Thor (film), so I think you’d understand why the Hulk can’t pick up Mjolnir. It sure isn’t due to lack of strength.

    Hulk vs Thor. That’s really all you need to know when getting a measure of how strong/durable Thor is.

    Caps shield is nearly indestructible. Adamantium/vibranium and later, Uru, which is what Mjolnir is made of.

    Loki needed to be on the ship. He manipulated everyone with that staff. Remember that upside down camera shot, where we see everyone arguing with the staff in the foreground? Plus, the only way his other team (led by Clint) found the invisible flying ship was by tracking the staff. Gaping plot hole closed.

  14. MFBINC

    This movie was awesome…each character had a chance to shine multiple times, including Jackson’s fury….scar jo played black widow perfectly, a lying, cold blooded assassin who only breaks down after her face to face encounter with hulk. thor lands in a field and hulk lands in a warehouse so the battle can seem hopeless to the human heroes(all you had to do was pay a little attention to the dialogue to get all this) thus allowing fury to try and get stark to act heroic….easily the best superhero movie made and loki just trumped ledger’s joker as the best villian in a comic book movie(which i never thought possible)!

    • D-chi

      It’s true, Loki was pretty stellar in this movie. I like that Tom brings a lot of complexity to Loki’s character, which contrasts with the smash-everything-mode of the end of the movie.

  15. So the Joss Whedon film is the delicious craft beer served by your fuckmate and the Christopher Nolan is the warm can sitting on your desk after Internet porn? ‘Cause that’s how that reads, respectively.

  16. indibulous

    1. Iron Man (’nuff said)
    2. Captain America (shut up, you put Thor at #1)
    3. Avengers
    4. Incredible Hulk (though I was initially pissed at the Avengers re-cast, it really worked)
    5. Iron Man 2 (shit on it if you will, but Sam Rockwell and Mickey Rourke owned)
    6. Thor (sorry, but he learned his epic lesson in two days; even Anthony Hopkins couldn’t save this)

    • dooood

      so you didn’t like any of those x-men movies?
      fantastic four? sin city?
      what about the old superman n batman movies?

      i swear, kids these days have no idea there was any movies or music made before 1998

      • It sucks getting old, doesn’t it? Now get off my lawn :)

      • indibulous

        You’re an idiot. This is a ranking of Avengers movies. I also didn’t rank Citizen Cane, Shawshank Redemption, or The Godfather – because they’re not related to this conversation.

  17. El Jefe

    LMAO, I loved the movie completely and I want to thank Joss Whedon for making one of the best movies ever and he should be the only one to ever make Marvel movies from now on, but some people get butthurt about this shit like it is real life.

    If you are going to get pissed off about shit, get pissed off at Michael Bay who is a fucking disgrace and completely and totally fucked up The Transformers. He is the complete utter and total opposite of Joss Whedon. Whoever really made Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Crystal Skull should be publicly whipped also.

  18. Joaquin ingles

    I can’t believe anyone over 14 watched this shit. It’s all about Prometheus June 8th!

  19. Apparently a "Fag"

    “Dress like a fag”. You just lost this “fag”‘s readership.

    • D-chi

      I think Fish sees it as his job to offend every group possible.

    • Colin

      Well this fag thought it was hilarious. It’s pretty much what Cap was saying anyway. I thinks that’s the only point in the movie where I actually rolled my eyes. Also, grow a pair.

  20. Norteco664

    Tony Stark to Thor: “Hey, Point Break” best line in the whole movie hands down.

  21. This guy thinks u can’t have a great comic book movie unless its a gay pride fest (X-Men First Class) or crime noir novel (Dark Knight) . BTW, Thor only works because they simplified the shiet out of it/ Review Avengers’ http://bit.ly/IUm3wc

  22. OH, what esle were they supposed to do with Samuel Jackson?? Nobody came to see the Shaft remake. That shiet bombed at the box office.

    • dooood

      ‘fear and loathing’,’ kung pao’ & ‘team america’
      all bombed at the box office too and those movies are incredible.

      in contrast, ‘titanic’ ‘never say never’ (beiber) ‘charlie’s angels’
      & ‘the lizzie macguire movie’ were all hits at the box office.
      as were countless generic matthew McConaughey, kate hudson, tyler perry & jeniffer aniston diarrhea fests.

      so box office sales really isn’t the best way to evaluate a movie

  23. I love how everyone’s review boils down to “Hulk saves the third act”, Dark knight’s third act could have used a Hulk after the Spying on the Public plot, a Makavelian Joker, and the Harvey Dent Turn

    • dooood

      maybe if robin showed up grabbed professed his undying loyalty,
      gently massaged the bat nips and made sweet man love

      …. in the butt

  24. By the way, Fish… the Ebert jaw joke? Fucking hilarious.

  25. Cock Dr

    “an amazing exercise in setting low expectations”
    Hollywood has trained us well.
    This movie will be watched at home on a Netflix loan.
    Maybe.

  26. I really love the Nolan Batman movies. That being said, Avengers is a way better “comic book” movie. I want to see super powered beings pound the sheit out of everything (“puny god” = best villain beat-down ever). Hulk and Thor are NOT the most intelligent characters in the Marvel Universe – the beat up stuff. And I don’t need even more character development than we already got from the lead-up movies. I am very much looking forward to Dark Knight and it’s Oscar-level awesomeness but Avengers is the best movie-going experience I’ve had since I was forced to go see the original Raiders of the Lost Ark (knowing nothing about it) because Superman 2 was sold out.

  27. yatz

    I’ve been waiting for this movie for almost 43 years (41 years of un-focused yearning, 2 years of nail-biting and day-counting); and now, when the minute has finally arrived – DENIED!! Turns out it will be playing in Israel in 3D only… Now I have to wait till it’s out on DVD and stea…download it from the web for home viewing. Fuck Hollywood, fuck greedy distributors and FUCK Iran! Bombing will commence within the next few days.

  28. Bringbackbabalu

    OMG, can’t read anymore of it. Who the fuck even cares about Batman, the last one was TERRIBLE. I’d rather watch the Green Lantern or Hornet or whatever the fuck it was back to back than watch a second of that garbage.

    2nd, that was the best Bruce Banner, if you don’t count Hoot!

    3rd, after reading this review, I can tell how useless you really are!

    • Although I loved last Batman, I agree with you re: Hornet and Lantern – fanboys now are just too jaded and spoiled. Just show the love for ANY comic movie (except Elektra and Catwoman – they sucked).

  29. ktulu

    Inother words fish you are one of those sad Batman fans running around trying to decry this hit cuz your precious franchise has just been shown for the snooze fest it is

  30. Avengers Captions Captain America Thor Set Photos
    mbcl
    Commented on this photo:

    “Say hello to my little friend !”

  31. Loki

    not only am i adopted, but i am also somewhat dimly lit upstairs.

  32. Avengers Captions Captain America Thor Set Photos
    j/k
    Commented on this photo:

    Comic-Con was in Jersey this year?

  33. BHALL

    Alright I’m not going into the world of details of where you’re off base but I will say that you are way off base on most of your criticisms but alas you’re too arrogant to admit that. Will The Dark Knight Rises be a better movie, absolutely. Will it make more money and be more fun, fuck no, it’s going to be too dark to do that.

    In essence, your review is about 90% right and about 10% utter horse shit. You need to stop these reviews. Oh, and yes, I to have touched a vagina yet I can still see horseshit in a review when I see it.

    I do love the site though…KCCO

  34. alex

    Okay first off, you haven’t fucking seen the new Batman movie, right? So if you’re going to write legitimate film reviews, try to maintain at least a minimum of professionalism. Feel free to use the necessary words to convey your point (i.e. dick jokes and cancer jokes) but don’t compare this movie with a trailer. Fucking Anne Hathaway is fucking Selina Kyle. (I reserve the right to fuck Chris Nolan in the ear if she fucks this movie up….she could seriously be Jar Jar Binks in black leather)

    And as for this, “Honestly, I still think X-Men: First Class was a better movie mostly because it was more of a compelling character study of Professor X and Magneto” you can eat a dick. “Character study”? You want character development, go watch the first five fucking movies.

    This movie was gold. It wasn’t over the top serious and it didn’t make a fool of itself (i.e. campy or laughing AT itself), which is more that I could have hoped for from an ensemble Avengers movie with so many big name stars.

    Your review appears to be contrarian just to be contrarian but I enjoyed it nonetheless.

  35. So the Captain America speeches bothered you but the repeated, hammy, second grade logic of Batman muttering “the city needs a white knight…” topped by the hemmorrhoidal cherry of “fuck Jim Caveziel, bitches, this is passion of the Batman and now, for no compelling reason at all I will take the blame of killing Two Hung and become a pariah!” didn’t?

    Curious. Still…Heath Ledger, dude. He died at just the right time to make that movie a classic. Too bad nobody cares if Bane shacks up with an Olsen.

  36. Avengers Captions Captain America Thor Set Photos
    DeucePickle
    Commented on this photo:

    I actually liked The Incredible Hulk more than Captain America.
    I would have liked Thor a lot more if the movie would have set more in Asgard instead of having to watch a damn love story in New Mexico where Thor has no powers.

  37. easy ps3 trophies

    I take pleasure in, cause I found just what I used to be looking for. You have ended my four day long hunt! God Bless you man. Have a great day. Bye

  38. Jake

    GET OFF THE DARK KNIGHTS DICK!!

    Batman’s greatest power is inherited wealth! How is that not thew lamest super power ever? Guy can’t even talk right.

  39. Circuit Rodeo

    Johansson is completely miscast. Every time I saw her I was laughing my head off. Especially, when she was loading her toy gun next to The Hulk, Iron Man and Thor. At least give her an M4 or MP5. I agree X-Men is a more mature movie. But, while not a classic as a simply fun film this was good.

  40. Avengers Captions Captain America Thor Set Photos
    Crissy
    Commented on this photo:

    Couldnt they find geekier dudes to play superheroes?

  41. EricLr

    Every time I picture this movie in my head, I imagine Hulk and Thor doing all the fighting–while Hawkeye pings the bad buy with ineffective arrows, Scarlet Johanson flashes her tits, Captain America stands there waiting for someone to need him to throw his shield, and Iron Man just circles overhead like a retard.

  42. Oogidyboogidy

    Losers. You’ve all got it wrong.

    I think “Son of the Mask” is probably the most underrated superhero movie ever made. And it also had the best portrayal of the Norse Pantheon ever put to film. “The Avengers” Loki is just a pansy compared to the Loki of “Son of the Mask.”

  43. Actually…

    …Dark Knight is like the art chick with the fine angular features and ebon hair who makes you drink chi tea and admire her art from detritus after watching a double feature of Gummo and Donnie Darko and before whispering “not so hard” into your ear during three AM missionary sex.

    The Avengers is like the girl with sandy blonde hair and freckles who plays on the volleyball team and gives you a handjob in the theater while you watch Crank before taking you to her place for body shots and a demonstration of how her interest in sports has gifted her with the unique skill set to make reverse cowgirl a life changing experience.

    • BrokeMyChairFalling

      Fell. Off. My. Chair. Laughing. Kudos to you for such a perfect analogy. BTW, I’ve done both (in my mind).

  44. Dan's friend

    Thanos.. ’nuff said.

  45. Dan's friend

    Excelsior!

  46. Darebear

    I think you mean an over-hyped craft beer served to you by post coitus Christopher Nolan after he has finished making love to his own over-developed sense of how smart he is (really smart).

  47. The Royal Penis

    How sad is it that the best actor in this movie was an computer generated freak show?

  48. I usually agree with everything this site says, simply because it’s hilarious and hilarious people are always right. Except on this one! I think The Avengers is the best superhero movie, and I’ve seen them all. ALL! e_e The Hulk was by far the best in this though, I don’t know why they put Iron Man at the front of all the posters.

  49. CranAppleSnapple

    Ban the bullies and stalkers please, Fish.

  50. Teleholic

    Fish, are you familiar with Joss’s other work? (Buffy, Angel, Firefly, Dollhouse, Dr. Horrible, Cabin in the Woods (also with Chris Hemsworth))

    I ask because I’m wondering if your perspective is different from someone who is. This guy’s never done wrong in my book so I may be looking at this movie with a different lens– I thought it was more well-done than the individual movies that made it up. Synergy. I loved that it could have gone oh so wrong in oh so many different ways and didn’t. I loved that ScarJo was more than just eye candy like she was in IM2. I loved that they fleshed the characters out and made them human, fighting and quibbling but putting the tension aside when they needed to work together, and being vulnerable, and reacting to things like humans do, getting mad at each other yet pulling together through loss. The hallmarks of Whedon were all there for me, including the witty banter; I can’t count the number of times my entire theater laughed out loud.

    Do you think your unfamiliarity with Whedon as a writer gives you a different set of expectations that might’ve given you a different perspective on the movie as a whole?

Leave A Comment