I don’t know much about the Anna Chapman spy story, and apparently neither does Wikipedia, but based solely on this spread in Maxim Russia could it really have been that bad? I mean, the Cold War ended 20 years ago. Unless the Russians are secretly developing a more delicious vodka, I don’t think we have anything to worry about. Which is why I volunteer myself to make Anna my mail-order bride because everyone knows all their women are available for that sort of thing. Not to mention these situations almost always end in hysterical recordings. Trust me, it’ll be fun.
ME: You’re gonna get karate-sexed by a pack of Orientals walkin’ round with those fakers.
ANNA: You are terrible, terrible man.
ME: Oh, I’ll give you terrible. *squeaking sound*
ANNA: Why you are pressing genitals against patio door?
ME: (Just keep narrating like I told you, baby.) I GIVE AND I GIVE AND I GIVE…
ANNA: I am, how you say, uncomfortable with this. *turns off recorder*
ME: Quick, handjob me before the Jews burn the house down and make it look like I did it!