Last week, I missed a significant chunk of Guardians of The Galaxy thanks to pure death violently escaping my body. And yet what I did get to see in a fevered, anxious fugue was still light years beyond Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in every possible way. If Guardians was a throwback to classic 80s adventures like Star Wars, Raiders of The Lost Ark, Buckaroo Banzai, and The Last Starfighter, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a throwback to the piece of shit Transformers movie you just saw four weeks ago. It’s everything wrong with Hollywood right down to casting Whoopi Goldberg as a sassy black woman whose sole purpose is to not want to hear ’bout no karate kicking turtles and then literally disappearing for the rest of the movie. So right off the bat, yes, you can feel Michael Bay all over this thing. Touching it, caressing it, maybe asking if it wants to hang in the Jacuzzi later. You know, there could be a sequel if it plays it cards right…
Before I go any further, if you’re somehow expecting spoilers from a Michael Bay-produced Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, first, let me call you an idiot: You’re an idiot. Second, let me assure you there’s not a goddamn thing I could possibly spoil about this movie because it’s 140 minutes of formulaic “plot” and overly accessorized turtles smashing into shit during CGI action scenes that would’ve been embarrassing 10 years ago. Also, Megan Fox‘s butt:
And now for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles‘ horrible little secret: The Turtles? They’re not even the main characters. April O’Neil is. That’s right. The entire movie rests on Megan Fox’s shoulders. Megan Fox who’s never been an actress as much as a Barbie doll you pose in scenes depending on how much you want to focus on her breasts or ass. (In this movie’s case, the latter which is a bold choice and I genuinely respect Michael Bay’s puppet director for it.) So as that terrifying realization slowly dawns on you after 30 way-too-Turtle-light minutes, you get hit with the plot device that all four of them were her pets when she was a little girl. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were April O’Neil’s pet turtles. That’s some George Lucas shit. I would’ve been fully justified in burning down the movie theater at that moment, and frankly, I still might. The night is young. So we’re barely two paragraphs into this thing, and already I’ve told you the whole movie hinges on Megan Fox’s acting, and the Ninja Turtles were her pets/best friends that she fed pizza to when she was a little girl. The next move you should be making is writing a list of friends who can’t wait to see this movie – Or worse, already did and actually liked it. – and then systematically removing them from your life. Change your name if you have to.
So, anyway, some stuff happens. Michaelangelo makes jokes about fucking Megan Fox a lot because have I mentioned her butt? They show her butt a lot. Pizza Hut gets its money’s worth in a scene that might as well fire coupons out of the screen, and the Turtles still don’t use their ninja weapons for their intended purposes because apparently we still live in fear of parents groups from the 90s going apeshit over little Tommy hitting his brother with a pair of nunchuks. (True story: My Sunday school teacher growing up told us not to watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles because it’s Satanic. Her reasoning? God didn’t make turtles to eat pizza, so you really can’t argue with that logic.) Although, incidentally enough, one of the Turtles does throw a Foot soldier into the side of speeding subway essentially murdering him, so it was nice to see a nod to their comic roots where they encounter an enemy for the first time and then immediately stabbed the shit out of him. Case in point, here’s Shredder getting Katana’d in the pancreas in the very first issue:
The cartoon robbed you, my friends. Robbed you.
From there… you know what? Fuck it. I’m not going to sit here rehashing the plot because it’s exactly the same as the first one from the 90s. The Turtles and April become friends. Blah blah blah hijinks. Cut to rooftop battle with Shredder where they all learn the power of teamwork and toss his as 40 stories to the pavement where the movie might as well tossed up the words “The End” but with a question mark a few seconds later. The only thing I will say is to expect a hilarious backlash from white people thanks to the Turtles’ new “urban” image. There’s no way FOX News isn’t going to lose its shit over that even though the person responsible is a Republican who ejaculates fighter jets and American flags. I’m not even joking. When you’re watching this thing, you can practically see Michael Bay turning his chair backwards and telling a room full of studio execs that he “raps” with teens all the time, so trust him, they all think they’re black until they get to college and start fucking pussy. “Like that Justin Bieber kid. That’s the kind of faggot we’re selling tickets to. Now where’s Megan? A bird shit on my sunroof.”
Side Note For Parents: Brief subway murder aside, the movie is actually pretty tame with mostly cartoon fighting and the kids in the theater laughed their dicks off because their brains aren’t fully developed. But if you haven’t taken yours to see Guardians yet, definitely do that instead. Or let them watch the way more awesome TMNT from 2007 which I’ll go to bat for any day of the week. Or even better, let them play outside in the yard with sharp sticks. Fresh air and building up a pain tolerance is good for them along with increasing their chances of survival in The Hunger Games. This is where you need to be ahead of the schools.
Grade: F for Fuck You, Michael Bay.