Michael Bay Is The Antichrist: A Review of ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’

August 8th, 2014 // 47 Comments
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2014

Last week, I missed a significant chunk of Guardians of The Galaxy thanks to pure death violently escaping my body. And yet what I did get to see in a fevered, anxious fugue was still light years beyond Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in every possible way. If Guardians was a throwback to classic 80s adventures like Star Wars, Raiders of The Lost Ark, Buckaroo Banzai, and The Last Starfighter, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a throwback to the piece of shit Transformers movie you just saw four weeks ago. It’s everything wrong with Hollywood right down to casting Whoopi Goldberg as a sassy black woman whose sole purpose is to not want to hear ’bout no karate kicking turtles and then literally disappearing for the rest of the movie. So right off the bat, yes, you can feel Michael Bay all over this thing. Touching it, caressing it, maybe asking if it wants to hang in the Jacuzzi later. You know, there could be a sequel if it plays it cards right…

Before I go any further, if you’re somehow expecting spoilers from a Michael Bay-produced Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, first, let me call you an idiot: You’re an idiot. Second, let me assure you there’s not a goddamn thing I could possibly spoil about this movie because it’s 140 minutes of formulaic “plot” and overly accessorized turtles smashing into shit during CGI action scenes that would’ve been embarrassing 10 years ago. Also, Megan Fox‘s butt:

And now for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles‘ horrible little secret: The Turtles? They’re not even the main characters. April O’Neil is. That’s right. The entire movie rests on Megan Fox’s shoulders. Megan Fox who’s never been an actress as much as a Barbie doll you pose in scenes depending on how much you want to focus on her breasts or ass. (In this movie’s case, the latter which is a bold choice and I genuinely respect Michael Bay’s puppet director for it.) So as that terrifying realization slowly dawns on you after 30 way-too-Turtle-light minutes, you get hit with the plot device that all four of them were her pets when she was a little girl. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were April O’Neil’s pet turtles. That’s some George Lucas shit. I would’ve been fully justified in burning down the movie theater at that moment, and frankly, I still might. The night is young. So we’re barely two paragraphs into this thing, and already I’ve told you the whole movie hinges on Megan Fox’s acting, and the Ninja Turtles were her pets/best friends that she fed pizza to when she was a little girl. The next move you should be making is writing a list of friends who can’t wait to see this movie – Or worse, already did and actually liked it. – and then systematically removing them from your life. Change your name if you have to.

So, anyway, some stuff happens. Michaelangelo makes jokes about fucking Megan Fox a lot because have I mentioned her butt? They show her butt a lot. Pizza Hut gets its money’s worth in a scene that might as well fire coupons out of the screen, and the Turtles still don’t use their ninja weapons for their intended purposes because apparently we still live in fear of parents groups from the 90s going apeshit over little Tommy hitting his brother with a pair of nunchuks. (True story: My Sunday school teacher growing up told us not to watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles because it’s Satanic. Her reasoning? God didn’t make turtles to eat pizza, so you really can’t argue with that logic.) Although, incidentally enough, one of the Turtles does throw a Foot soldier into the side of speeding subway essentially murdering him, so it was nice to see a nod to their comic roots where they encounter an enemy for the first time and then immediately stabbed the shit out of him. Case in point, here’s Shredder getting Katana’d in the pancreas in the very first issue:

Leonardo Stabbing Shredder

The cartoon robbed you, my friends. Robbed you.

From there… you know what? Fuck it. I’m not going to sit here rehashing the plot because it’s exactly the same as the first one from the 90s. The Turtles and April become friends. Blah blah blah hijinks. Cut to rooftop battle with Shredder where they all learn the power of teamwork and toss his as 40 stories to the pavement where the movie might as well tossed up the words “The End” but with a question mark a few seconds later. The only thing I will say is to expect a hilarious backlash from white people thanks to the Turtles’ new “urban” image. There’s no way FOX News isn’t going to lose its shit over that even though the person responsible is a Republican who ejaculates fighter jets and American flags. I’m not even joking. When you’re watching this thing, you can practically see Michael Bay turning his chair backwards and telling a room full of studio execs that he “raps” with teens all the time, so trust him, they all think they’re black until they get to college and start fucking pussy. “Like that Justin Bieber kid. That’s the kind of faggot we’re selling tickets to. Now where’s Megan? A bird shit on my sunroof.”

Side Note For Parents: Brief subway murder aside, the movie is actually pretty tame with mostly cartoon fighting and the kids in the theater laughed their dicks off because their brains aren’t fully developed. But if you haven’t taken yours to see Guardians yet, definitely do that instead. Or let them watch the way more awesome TMNT from 2007 which I’ll go to bat for any day of the week. Or even better, let them play outside in the yard with sharp sticks. Fresh air and building up a pain tolerance is good for them along with increasing their chances of survival in The Hunger Games. This is where you need to be ahead of the schools.

Grade: F for Fuck You, Michael Bay.

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  1. P.T.S. Potential Trouble Source

    Thanks fish, I will go watch Guardians of the Galaxy again, (the turtles are her pets????) Jesus, Hollywood reeeeaaaally needs some new writers.

    • cc

      Hollywood needs an infusion of creativity across the board. They still make some good movies, but they churn out a startling quantity of crap at great expense.

    • Swearin

      Very rarely is it actually the writers’ fault. There are many decent-to-great writers out there, but they don’t get hired because the people really at fault, the producers and executives, only want mindless and incomprehensible shit. If a writer makes a good screenplay, it’s deemed “too smart” for audiences and the writer is forced to dumb it down or they’ll hire someone else who will

    • “the turtles are her pets????”
      This is where they insert some realism to the plot. Because I find it completely believable that Megan Fox only had friends that were captive turtles.

    • They’re her pets? That’s Michael Bay being pissy that the internet jumped down his throat for the “Turtles as aliens” idea isn’t it?

  2. D-chi

    So it’s as bad as I thought, only worse? Good, okay.

  3. I read that William Fichtner isn’t Shredder. Oh yeah, spoiler a..ahh fuck it. Was that Bay’s version of a Keyser Soze? It seems like he did it on purpose just to piss people off and they say “aha, fooled ya! Ya damn know-it-alls!”.

  4. buzz

    LOL….I actually thought a few years back when Fox was in the two Transformers movies that MB should just make it about Megan’s (preferably naked) ass running around…with robots.

    Megan Fox underneath Bumblebee’s hood in T1 or her sitting on that custom bike in T2 are still a couple of the hottest screencaps from any movie.

    Didn’t know he’d save idea and use for TMNT.

    • Short Round

      Actually, that’s exactly what he did. Transformers were a small part of the film. Basically comedic effect or explosions. It was mostly about LaBeouf stammering or screaming like a little girl while Fox’s tits bounced around in slow motion.

      • Dox

        I swear after watching the third movie with LeBeouf in it… I wanted to strangle him. I mean ffs, he’s spent the last… four years around 30 foot tall robots, that fire explosive energy weapons. You’d think they idiot would have learned how to handle a firearm, and do something useful other than stammering and whining like a little bitch.

        I swear I never thought I would demand character development in a freaking Transformers movie.

    • buzz

      I just got back from watching TMNT. It’s not that bad but it’s not that great either. It’s pretty much on par with all the other TMNT movies except for the one where they go back in time to Japan (that one was just bad).

      I don’t think Bay had much to do with the movie except adding his name to the poster and loaning the production his Transformers sound effects team- you can really hear the “Transformers” sounds in the scenes with truck going down the mountain.

      And for some reason the film got away with copying The Amazing Spider-Man’s mini-plot of “putting a chemical bomb on a building to release mutant creating chemicals on the people of NYC”. I swore I even saw a wide-shot of the bomb and tower it’s on taken directly from TAS-M movie.

      And for some reason, Hollywood won’t give up on that Super-Shredder crap. I always like him better when he was portrayed more like Darth Vader in samurai armor

  5. Yet another Hollywood remake/”reboot” of a good movie that didn’t need to happen.

  6. Short Round

    Realized I no longer expect or feel anything when it comes to Michael Bay movies. I just sigh, shrug and think, That’s Michael Bay. Maybe I built up an immunity.

  7. Dox

    I’ve always wondered….
    Why the masks?
    I mean, its a two legged, mutated turtle trained in the art of ninjitsu…. by a sewer rat.
    How in god’s name do you hide that behind a mask?

    As for the movie…. yeah, pretty much what I figured. Michael Bay comes from the George Lucas school of film making.
    Where screwing your childhood was pretty much the first three years, followed with the new addition of slow mo TnA shots and partial soaked attractive chicks, that spew nonsense when they talk.

    • CapNCrappin

      they literally made a joke about this in the trailer. Congratulations – Michael Bay’s humor is officially over your head.

  8. I knew this movie was going to suck donkey balls the moment I heard who was directing it and who was starring in it. Thankfully I was never going to waste my money on this shit.

    I had a friend in Primary school whose Mom wouldn’t let him watch the Smurfs because she thought it was demonic. The Smurfs, people.

  9. anonymous

    From what I hear TMNT has got the EXACT same villain plot as The Amazing Spider-Man which had a similar plot as Batman Begins.

    Basically, gas the entire city chemicals– make more bad guys and profit.

  10. I wonder if Michael Bay could talk her into doing some nudity.

  11. Maryland Manson

    i liked it. i’ll probably see it again. but-
    i cant wait for the unrated blu-ray version.
    that will be totally awesome!!

  12. Cock Dr

    Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles
    I hope not having children safely insulates me from ever seeing this product.
    Megan Fox has a nice butt butt it’s not enough to carry any movie. A four minute music video or lingerie ad is about as far as it can push it’s powers.

  13. Michael

    I agree with Fish. 2007′s TMNT wasn’t much to brag about, but I think it was a little better. Plus, Sarah Michelle Gellar as April O’Neil was genius casting, and more than just a great idea on paper. I think Jessica Stroup would’ve made a far better April, but I guess that whole situation with Megan Fox and Michael Bay had to force Fox into the role.

  14. Michael

    By the way, Johnny Knoxville was disaster casting at its finest. The guy from Jackass as Leonardo? His voice is perfect, but boy, he would’ve been a far better Michelangelo, although Noel Fisher did awesome.

    The sad part of this whole endeavor? If there’s a sequel, expect it to be an awful DTV follow-up.

  15. Michael

    Also, I don’t like that Megan Fox is taking herself seriously. I heard something about religion and scientology on one post. Didn’t she say she was the polar opposite of Angelina Jolie? Methinks marrying – and having kids with – Brian Austin Greene went and fucked her up worse than we could imagine.

  16. Swearin

    I saw Megan Fox on Conan the other night and everything she said made me want to punch things; just the worst cliche of a spacey, entitled Hollywood actress you can imagine. And she said she had to campaign and “fought hard” for the role…oh really? How hard did you have to fight for the T & A role in a movie about CGI mutant turtles produced by the guy you’ve known personally for at least 7 years?

  17. Urban image? So the turtles are black? That’s cool. I’m waiting for someone to reboot them as female Turtles next. Jemima, Crocker, Lee, and Butterworth.

  18. The direct to video sequel will star their cousins, Benecio (Del Toro), Leonardo (Dicaprio), Arsenio (Hall) and Antonio (Banderas). It’ll have no budget for cgi, so it’ll just be those four actors in green body paint and eye masks

  19. CapNCrappin

    Why the hell is there a review for this turd and not Guardians of the Galaxy? You wrote one about Thor 2 FFS.

    • I gotta second the Captain here. I’ve already seen GotG and will be going again tomorrow, but I always enjoy your reviews anyway Fish.

    • srsly

      wheres the funny in reviewing galaxy of the guardians?

    • Getting sick in the middle of GoTG seriously fucked me last week considering it’s always a time crunching debacle to do those things (At least two hours for movie, another three to four to write review.) especially with Photo Boy being off.

      I’m trying to figure out a way to review GoTG that makes sense considering its a week out and everyone knows it’s the raccoon’s balls. However, I am mulling a review of Amazing Spider-Man 2 (which came out during the one week I take a vacation each year) when it hits Blu-ray with a fucking quickness on the 19th and, by all accounts, apparently ground the franchise to a halt. So stay tuned for both of those, or just one, or none at all because I’m mysterious that way.

  20. dooker

    Pathetic review trying to justify the michael bay and megan fox hate that’s going around from self-proclaimed cineasts. He could do shindlers list and it would be hated just because of his earlier work. That is no movie criticism, that’s bullshit.

    i’ve always been a huge TMNT fan since my earliest childhood about 25+ years ago and while i am able to understand and agree that the backround story being altered is huge bullshit, the movie was pretty fucking great anyways.

    All the critic points that were thrown around back when the trailers came out were proven wrong. The turtles having lips is totally irrelevant and the whole turtle interaction captured the well known style almost perfectly.

    Just pathetic and i sincerly hope that people don’t give two fucks about reviews like this and go watch the movie to see for themselfes.

  21. NutSlut

    While I’m always in favour of softcore pornography, I – like most of the people here – wait in earnest for the day when everyone completely loses all sense of sanity and reason, and the rights holders pass the Turtles franchise over to Guillermo del Toro.

  22. Edward Munch

    Michael Bay is a Jew. If you haven’t been keeping up with the news, they run an apartheid state that no one can complain about or else the Jews won’t let their economy grow. So watch what you say or the Fed will jack up interest rates and destroy both Wall St and Main St. Or, we could just dismantle the Fed, put the central bank in the charge of the Dept of the interior so whenever the Fed government pays back interest, the Sec of the Interior will use that money to repair our infrastructure.

  23. RichPort

    This movie sucked so much ass it wasn’t filmed so much as feltched…

  24. Let me play devil’s advocate. If you order shit, and the man delivers shit, and you got your shit, then what’s the problem? We can go on all day about his lack of artistic ability, excessive jump-cut editing, CGI bullshit, the showcasing hot T&A girls he’s trying to bang… but at the end of the day, we’re just complaining about the smell of shit, when we should just leave the bathroom. A quote from Michael Bay in response to his critics, “I make movies for teenage boys. Oh, dear, what a crime.”

  25. OptimusButt

    Michael Bay and Megan’s Fox’s butt together again in sweet harmony.

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