Gary Shirley’s 11-Hour Stripper Bender

Teen Mom Amber Portwood attempted suicide earlier this summer after she thought baby daddy Gary Shirley was going to curl up his butt-tail and stop smothering her to death with his sex. She’s since checked herself into rehab leaving Gary completely to his own devices and responsible for their young daughter, so naturally, he went on a $5,000 11-hour stripper bender to get his head right. Except here’s the genius of it: Because they’ll do anything for money – Strangely not laundry though, I’ve tried. – he got the strippers to take pictures with him then turned around and sold them to TMZ. Which means, at minimum, Gary made his money back, or God forbid, profited from having tits in his face for 11 hours, so congratulations, you now live in a world where white trash with a vestigial penis who doesn’t know how condoms work is more baller than all of us.

Got any of those pills left, Amber? I’ll take 30.

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