Teen Mom Amber Attempted Suicide

June 14th, 2011 // 94 Comments

“Ha! Isn’t my life wonderful? Fat man who knocked me up, put these Walmart bags in the Grand Am, won’t you?”

Because shoving pregnant teenage mothers from dysfunctional backgrounds into the limelight is always a great idea with absolutely zero potential for horrific backfire, Teen Mom star Amber Portwood allegedly attempted suicide this morning, according to a cooperative report between Star and RadarOnline which means absolutely none of this could’ve happened:

A source said Portwood, the mother of two-year-old tot Leah, was found just after noon on Tuesday. The source said Portwood later admitted to hospital staffers she had taken a cocktail of pills.
Portwood’s on-again, off-again boyfriend Gary Shirley became concerned about Portwood’s state of mind after having a phone conversation with her, the source told Star.
He sent his mom to check on her.
After being let into her home, according to the source, Portwood was discovered unconscious on a couch.
“It’s believed she may have taken an overdose of some kind of pill,” the source revealed. “She also may have tried to tie a piece of rope or string around her neck.”

If Amber Portwood did attempt suicide, we should blame Dr. Drew before we do anything else. I seriously can’t stress how important that is, so, goddamn, you suck at doctoring. Okay, now we can start pretending we’re shocked that Amber would selfishly leave a small child without a mother even though nobody thinks this isn’t the greatest gift she could’ve given her daughter short of tampering with the DNA test that proves Gary Shirley is her father. And just to give Amber something to live for, that ship still hasn’t sailed yet. I’m serious, kids have shitty memories. A. They never remember the way home when I make them drive, or B. that I don’t magically turn into a GPS after 18 beers.

Photos: Splash News


  1. Teen Mom Amber Portwood Suicide Attempt
    Commented on this photo:

    Leann Rimes and Eddie Cibrian, post affair publicity.

  2. kayk

    I think even if she did kill herself MTV would still just shoot her carcase to milk another season.
    oddly enough, that might make me start watching MTV again.

  3. kelsey

    she looks like fat chinese girl.

  4. YUCKY!

    What a stupid selfish pig! I feel so bad for her daughter. Why do people like her breed?

    • Generally because they’re completely unskilled and therefore chronically unemployed, so they generally have no money, which means they can’t afford to do anything but fuck, and birth control ain’t free. Wait, was that a rhetorical question?

  5. chaburchak

    In that picture she looks like a glammed up Natalie from THE FACTS OF LIFE…

  6. Teen Mom Amber Portwood Suicide Attempt
    Commented on this photo:

    Fixing a button on his collar wont take anyone’s attention away from that big ass gravy stain…and it was his best shirt too. Gotta get dressed up for Walmart.

  7. Teen Mom Amber Portwood Suicide Attempt
    Commented on this photo:

    ‘weight limit of these heels: 200 lbs’


  8. Teen Mom Amber Portwood Suicide Attempt
    Commented on this photo:

    “Shiiit day got dem peanut butter pretzels here??”

  9. the captain

    an pathetic & ugly american needs attention the way owen wilson did?
    it’s simple: ATTEMPT SUICIDE, folks!!

  10. slappy magoo

    No, not her I loved her when she was married to Eddie Van Halen…

    Oh…that’s NOT Valerie Bertinelli?

  11. Karen

    I’m so happy to know she might die soon. ..i love knowing shes weak. ..haha . ..hopefully she and heidi montag. …do die in a sad way. ..we wont care!

  12. bob

    Try and try again, she is a disgrace to humanity, and would do this world a huge favor. Amber just remember you have to go vertical not horizontal!!!!!!!!!!!!

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