“Ha! Isn’t my life wonderful? Fat man who knocked me up, put these Walmart bags in the Grand Am, won’t you?”
Because shoving pregnant teenage mothers from dysfunctional backgrounds into the limelight is always a great idea with absolutely zero potential for horrific backfire, Teen Mom star Amber Portwood allegedly attempted suicide this morning, according to a cooperative report between Star and RadarOnline which means absolutely none of this could’ve happened:
A source said Portwood, the mother of two-year-old tot Leah, was found just after noon on Tuesday. The source said Portwood later admitted to hospital staffers she had taken a cocktail of pills.
Portwood’s on-again, off-again boyfriend Gary Shirley became concerned about Portwood’s state of mind after having a phone conversation with her, the source told Star.
He sent his mom to check on her.
After being let into her home, according to the source, Portwood was discovered unconscious on a couch.
“It’s believed she may have taken an overdose of some kind of pill,” the source revealed. “She also may have tried to tie a piece of rope or string around her neck.”
If Amber Portwood did attempt suicide, we should blame Dr. Drew before we do anything else. I seriously can’t stress how important that is, so, goddamn, you suck at doctoring. Okay, now we can start pretending we’re shocked that Amber would selfishly leave a small child without a mother even though nobody thinks this isn’t the greatest gift she could’ve given her daughter short of tampering with the DNA test that proves Gary Shirley is her father. And just to give Amber something to live for, that ship still hasn’t sailed yet. I’m serious, kids have shitty memories. A. They never remember the way home when I make them drive, or B. that I don’t magically turn into a GPS after 18 beers.
Photos: Splash News