Teen Mom Amber Attempted Suicide

June 14th, 2011 // 94 Comments

“Ha! Isn’t my life wonderful? Fat man who knocked me up, put these Walmart bags in the Grand Am, won’t you?”

Because shoving pregnant teenage mothers from dysfunctional backgrounds into the limelight is always a great idea with absolutely zero potential for horrific backfire, Teen Mom star Amber Portwood allegedly attempted suicide this morning, according to a cooperative report between Star and RadarOnline which means absolutely none of this could’ve happened:

A source said Portwood, the mother of two-year-old tot Leah, was found just after noon on Tuesday. The source said Portwood later admitted to hospital staffers she had taken a cocktail of pills.
Portwood’s on-again, off-again boyfriend Gary Shirley became concerned about Portwood’s state of mind after having a phone conversation with her, the source told Star.
He sent his mom to check on her.
After being let into her home, according to the source, Portwood was discovered unconscious on a couch.
“It’s believed she may have taken an overdose of some kind of pill,” the source revealed. “She also may have tried to tie a piece of rope or string around her neck.”

If Amber Portwood did attempt suicide, we should blame Dr. Drew before we do anything else. I seriously can’t stress how important that is, so, goddamn, you suck at doctoring. Okay, now we can start pretending we’re shocked that Amber would selfishly leave a small child without a mother even though nobody thinks this isn’t the greatest gift she could’ve given her daughter short of tampering with the DNA test that proves Gary Shirley is her father. And just to give Amber something to live for, that ship still hasn’t sailed yet. I’m serious, kids have shitty memories. A. They never remember the way home when I make them drive, or B. that I don’t magically turn into a GPS after 18 beers.

Photos: Splash News


  1. My Left Nut

    Damn, where’s Kevorkian when you need him!

  2. BklynGibbs

    as in all things, this pig can’t do anything right.

  3. Abby Normal

    At risk of overstating the obvious, if she seriously wanted to die she’d let Gary be on top for once.

  4. slim

    what… did they stop making twinkies?

  5. Teen Mom Amber Portwood Suicide Attempt
    Commented on this photo:

    If at first you don’t succeed…

  6. Teen Mom Amber Portwood Suicide Attempt
    Commented on this photo:

    if i woke up one day and realized i’d had sex with this…i’d want to kill myself too

  7. i think she’s sexy. but if she’s that upset she needs an actual doctor not some tv douche

  8. Harmie

    The wart on her hand told her to do it.

    • Big_Mike

      That’s a herpes bubble

    • Brooke

      I couldn’t tell if it was a wart or if kids are piercing their hands now. Like those ugly little studs that from a distance look like zits or warts on someone’s upper lip or cheek…

      I’m sure they’ll figure out how to semi-safely pierce hands eventually. Cue Jesus joke?

    • Tori

      it’s a piercing.. she got them on both hands

  9. Frank Burns

    That is what can happen when you leave the bottle of pills to close to the bag of pork rinds.

    p.s. – wtf is that on her hand?

  10. Daisy

    That’s so sad. Poor girl. :[

  11. Dude of Dudes

    That zit on her hand is like the Eye of Sauron.

  12. Gary probably put the bottle of pills next to her, when he rolled off of her panting and sweaty, and realized she wasn’t breathing as he wiped himself off with a kitchen sponge.

    This visual brought to you by McFeely Smackup, your source for internet heebie jeebies.

  13. captain obvious

    a few more whoppers and that should do it…

  14. Teen Mom Amber Portwood Suicide Attempt
    Commented on this photo:

    Aw, but they look so happy together.

    I guess they spotted the camera.

  15. Cerra

    Uhh, did anyone notice the giant herpe on her hand?!

  16. dontlooknow

    If indeed, this DID happen, it was most likely out of shame for bonking that fat slob of a K-Fed clone.

  17. Teen Mom Amber Portwood Suicide Attempt
    Commented on this photo:

    This is exactly how he looked after he heard the news.

  18. Big_Mike

    Too bad the Miss Piggy-Renee Zelwegger love child didn’t succeed!

  19. Teen Mom Amber Portwood Suicide Attempt
    Commented on this photo:

    So they shop at Walmart and leave in their new duds? classssyyyy

  20. Richard McBeef

    Her suicide attempt was thwarted when a team marine biologists and concerned citizens were able to roll her back into the water.

  21. Teen Mom Amber Portwood Suicide Attempt
    Commented on this photo:

    OOOOps Tarjayyyy

  22. Moo

    Poor Amber!!
    Suciede is never the answer/:

  23. D-chi

    Off-topic, but her dress is so cute and I’m glad she’s not dead.

  24. Venom

    I was going to say she was too fat for the razor to cut through her wrist, but apparently it was pills so scratch that.

    • The Critical Crassness

      Geez Venom you’re slipping…She was so fat she could not calculate the right dosage to kill.

  25. I don’t understand “attempted” suicide. It’s not like it’s that hard to acquire a firearm in the US. She doesn’t need to make a cry for help… we already know she needs lots.

  26. hambone

    What is this “Teen Mom” show? Is it like a “Cops” prequel?

  27. Why can’t she be good at this ONE thing…if not child rearing, then at least THIS.

  28. Teen Mom Amber Portwood Suicide Attempt
    Commented on this photo:

    What the fuck is that thing growing on her hand? It’s bigger than her ring!

  29. Teen Mom Amber Portwood Suicide Attempt
    Commented on this photo:

    Hah. Epic fail. By the way, is that a pimple or herpes on her hand? You think with all the money MTV shells out to these failures, they could at least afford soap.

  30. youcandieNOW

    Unconcious on the couch with a bottle of pills nearby you say? It was Tuesday at noon so I don’t know how they could tell the difference. Better luck next time, Amber. Try putting a shotgun in your mouth like it’s a meatloaf from Cracker Barrel.

  31. kimmykimkim

    What a desperate plea for attention. If you really wanna kill yourself, buy a gun. They most definitely sell them at her closest Walmart. Then put the gun in ur mouth n pull the trigger. You don’t even have to know how to use it. Or give yourself an air embolism or something. Or better yet, get your fat ass some professional help. Sweet baby Jesus!

  32. S'up Bitches!

    If at first you don’t succeed……..

    • mel

      whoops! sorry, i copied your comment. should have read down further. anyhow, this cunt looks like she smells worse than kim kardashian’s ass and while i’ve never watched that ridiculous show from what i’ve read about her, i fucking hate her. she as a pig face that screams to be beaten with a crowbar.

  33. rough sexy

    Uh-oh someone been reading her own press again.

    The masses almost got successful.

    You sure the noose wasn’t to tie Garry in the backyard?

  34. MLVC

    The worst thing about this headline is the word “attemped.” This means it did not work…better luck next time cunt.

  35. Thongwoman

    Attention Whore Alert

  36. Thongwoman

    She’s actually worth more dead. Her children would certainly be better off. Steaming cunt.

  37. Kamrynne

    WTF!!!!!!! How do you fuck up “attempted suicide” either you do it !! Or you don’t
    Clearly the “pills” were mistaken for tic tacs or m&m’s due to the coloring…..

  38. Teen Mom Amber Portwood Suicide Attempt
    Commented on this photo:

    Now that Amber is out of the way, this man is going to get so much poontang, his beard is going to look like a glazed donut.

  39. Michael

    Mae Whitman is hotter than this slag.

  40. This was totally my favoritest Very Special episode of The Facts of Life. You hang in there, Natalie!

  41. Thongwoman

    You don’t. People who want to die do so quietly and away from anyone who could stop them. Otherwise, it’s just attention-whoring. A fat slob of an unfeminine woman who is uneducated and disgusting having the NERVE to attention-whore and get recognition for nothing but slapping her pathetic genitalia with some oompah loompah.

  42. Thongwoman

    LOVE that fucking wart on her hand.

  43. kara

    if she was ‘dying’ on a couch, & the dude’s mom was ‘let in’, who the fuck let her in? was someone else just there chillin while that girl was ‘dying’ on the couch? wtf? that story was written by an idiot.

    • TomFrank

      Agreed. That line, “after being let into her home” raises all sorts of red flags about the veracity of this story.

  44. V

    Why should you blame Dr drew? lol he’s not on staff 24/7 and he doesn’t treat her regularly. He just hosts the reunion shows. Blame MTV.

  45. Teen Mom Amber Portwood Suicide Attempt
    Double D
    Commented on this photo:

    Technically, reducing your diet to 1800 calories per day isn’t “attempting suicide.”

  46. Rachel

    Not condoning the way these teen moms act (prob why they couldn’t practice safe sex to begin with) but as a nurse working in L&D- MTV needs to STOP glorifying teen pregnancy. I swear, in the last 2-3 years it has really become scary. Used to see 3-8% teen population, now almost 15% (here at 3rd busiest hospital in TX)
    Young ignorance should not be praised & given a reality show for publicity and ad revenue. This is the moral fabric of our communities and our country. Ughhh gawd it’s embarrassing sometimes to see how far “the American public” will let the almighty dollar corporate agenda go before they step in and speak up.

  47. Shawn

    Apparently she sucks at life and trying to end her life.

  48. Chops

    Pardon me but what the fuck with the plague-boil on her hand? Is God smiting her for the… Everything?

  49. How

    Obviously she really cares about her kid…

    Selfish fuck.

  50. Erica

    Dr.drew doesn’t do miracles. He’s a fantastic doctor actually. It’s up to the people to find help, do the help and cure themselves. You people want miracles? You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help. All I’m saying is dont blame the doctor., instead blame the patient.

    • Venom

      The world would be a better place if Dr. Drew would just let most of these losers kill themselves.
      I am being dead serious.
      Some are worth saving, but most are just wastes of time.

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