‘Teen Mom’ Amber Continues to Win at Life

December 16th, 2010 // 97 Comments

When we last left Teen Mom star Amber Portwood at the beginning of the month, child services had just let her have her daughter Leah back which only further proved their mission statement is, “If it came out of your uterus, we’ll you give another chance to kill it.” Since then, she’s managed to fuck up in ways that most normal human beings could never achieve without being birthed a full-blood Cyrus:

1. Amber started dating a self-proclaimed MMA fighter named Clinton Yunker who was apparently arrested earlier this year for beating a man who talked to his 19-year-old baby mama that Clinton left home alone every night while he drank himself stupid. As of last week, she was begging for him to come back. On MySpace.

2. Amber was pulled over yesterday morning after the cops thought she was drunk only to find out she was also driving on a suspended license. She ducked the DUI charges after police actually believed she was “having a reaction to her medication.” *writes that one down*

3. And it’s just been reported Amber assaulted Gary Shirley again Tuesday night because, in her defense, he’s kind of a big dumb lummox and the child wasn’t there.

Of course, all of this would be run-of-the-mill white trash hilarity if there wasn’t a toddler involved who’s already a ward of the state and will most likely end up in a foster home. On that note, I can’t help but think, what if there was some way she could’ve been kept out of such a hopeless situation? Some sort of, I dunno, medical procedure that would’ve stopped all this from happening. Abort the whole incident, if you will. We should probably look into that.

Photos: Splash News


  1. Barney Frank_swallows

    Too bad your mom didn’t believe in abortion.

  2. Shaunie

    Jeez! That fat chick Natalie from the Facts of Life hasn’t aged a bit!

  3. jojo

    She looks like someone wiped their ass and used it for her face. Smear.

  4. b

    I had about enough of you.

  5. Stephanie

    I’m child free and pro choice. Sterilization gets into eugenics, that really riles people up. Does anyone else see the Essure ad for permanent sterilization at the bottom of this page?? LMAO Amber should look into it.

  6. It’s like she’s trying to audition for The Biggest Loser without understanding what the show is actually about…

  7. Joy

    I hope you were talking about the MOM being aborted or something cause it’s not the baby’s fault. I do not believe in abortion. It would have been better if she were adopted by people who actually care….

  8. Teem Mom Amber Portwood
    Commented on this photo:

    Mc Lovin could whoop this cheesedoodles ass.

  9. real

    My husband and I just got approved to do foster care and plan to adopt 2 kids through the foster care system. Those of you who act like those kids are trash or deserve to be aborted…you literally made me cry. Every baby matters and deserves a chance. I am Christian. (gasp) I am conservative. (gasp) And I actually do things to help those who no one else wants to help rather than talking about how they don’t deserve to live. And it feels amazing. There are lots of other ways to help, too. Go volunteer with childrens shelters or childrens homes in your area. The kids are awesome. Knowing that someone cares about them can have an enormous impact in their lives. So you can spend an hour a week playing basketball with great kids, showing them you care, or you can post horrible comments on the superficial about kids that should have been aborted even though they’re already born. Which legacy do you really want to leave?

  10. Teem Mom Amber Portwood
    Quincy Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    That boyfriend, Gary Shirley, has to be the ugliest fat blob of nothing I’ve ever seen. And yes, the whole issue should have been aborted at the start. God only knows what kind of family this girl has toa allow this to happen.

  11. phoebs

    I mean…at least she’s not a fat ass anymore.

  12. Teem Mom Amber Portwood
    Commented on this photo:

    Why are her lips the same color as her face?? She needs help picking out lipstick. Foundation does not double as a lipstick.

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