‘Teen Mom’ Amber Continues to Win at Life

When we last left Teen Mom star Amber Portwood at the beginning of the month, child services had just let her have her daughter Leah back which only further proved their mission statement is, “If it came out of your uterus, we’ll you give another chance to kill it.” Since then, she’s managed to fuck up in ways that most normal human beings could never achieve without being birthed a full-blood Cyrus:

1. Amber started dating a self-proclaimed MMA fighter named Clinton Yunker who was apparently arrested earlier this year for beating a man who talked to his 19-year-old baby mama that Clinton left home alone every night while he drank himself stupid. As of last week, she was begging for him to come back. On MySpace.

2. Amber was pulled over yesterday morning after the cops thought she was drunk only to find out she was also driving on a suspended license. She ducked the DUI charges after police actually believed she was “having a reaction to her medication.” *writes that one down*

3. And it’s just been reported Amber assaulted Gary Shirley again Tuesday night because, in her defense, he’s kind of a big dumb lummox and the child wasn’t there.

Of course, all of this would be run-of-the-mill white trash hilarity if there wasn’t a toddler involved who’s already a ward of the state and will most likely end up in a foster home. On that note, I can’t help but think, what if there was some way she could’ve been kept out of such a hopeless situation? Some sort of, I dunno, medical procedure that would’ve stopped all this from happening. Abort the whole incident, if you will. We should probably look into that.

Photos: Splash News