‘Teen Mom’ Amber Continues to Win at Life

December 16th, 2010 // 97 Comments

When we last left Teen Mom star Amber Portwood at the beginning of the month, child services had just let her have her daughter Leah back which only further proved their mission statement is, “If it came out of your uterus, we’ll you give another chance to kill it.” Since then, she’s managed to fuck up in ways that most normal human beings could never achieve without being birthed a full-blood Cyrus:

1. Amber started dating a self-proclaimed MMA fighter named Clinton Yunker who was apparently arrested earlier this year for beating a man who talked to his 19-year-old baby mama that Clinton left home alone every night while he drank himself stupid. As of last week, she was begging for him to come back. On MySpace.

2. Amber was pulled over yesterday morning after the cops thought she was drunk only to find out she was also driving on a suspended license. She ducked the DUI charges after police actually believed she was “having a reaction to her medication.” *writes that one down*

3. And it’s just been reported Amber assaulted Gary Shirley again Tuesday night because, in her defense, he’s kind of a big dumb lummox and the child wasn’t there.

Of course, all of this would be run-of-the-mill white trash hilarity if there wasn’t a toddler involved who’s already a ward of the state and will most likely end up in a foster home. On that note, I can’t help but think, what if there was some way she could’ve been kept out of such a hopeless situation? Some sort of, I dunno, medical procedure that would’ve stopped all this from happening. Abort the whole incident, if you will. We should probably look into that.

Photos: Splash News


  1. GDubaUBush

    You can take the trash out of the trailer but you can’t take out the trailor trash.

  2. Ksurfiws

    Silly Fish. You only kill the baby when THE BABY is retarded, not the parents.

    • Pangulin

      I think Fish was on to something but it’s really difficult to abort a person that is physically old enough to have a child of their own. At least I assume he was talking about aborting Amber, not her child.

  3. She looks like the offspring of Jennifer Aniston and a Garbage Pail Kid.

  4. Facebook me

    She has time for some really BAD hair extensions with 10 inches of root, but ZERO time for parenting classes.

    Stupid bitch. Sadly the kid will end up a product for their environment.

  5. lol

    she thinks she’s hot. wut a piece of shit.

  6. GravyLeg

    Sterilization would be a better idea but yeah…. OK.

  7. Oprah is a shaved Gorilla

    she makes me sick.

  8. popo

    Um, she’s also rumored to be pregnant again, so… biggest win of them all? what’s that you were saying about abortion? we need to get this bitch some pamphlets.

  9. Teem Mom Amber Portwood
    Commented on this photo:

    It’s a shame Amber’s mother didn’t have that inclination

  10. Compound9

    Someone needs to slap the hell our of whomever supposedly raised that shit.

    And shes fucking ugly. Does she know you aren’t supposed to use all the make-up at once?

    She is the reason im pro choice.

  11. Teem Mom Amber Portwood
    Commented on this photo:

    I didn’t know Orville Redenbacher was an MMA fighter.

  12. Teem Mom Amber Portwood
    Commented on this photo:

    Thank you for making my day a little funnier, Superficial.

    Off-beat question: Ever thought of writing for The Soup? I don’t know what you make on this gig, but you’re funny, The Soup’s funny, and hey, I figured I’d ask. Every show needs more penis jokes (though we’d lose out on your clever use of hyperlinks).

  13. GDubaUBush

    You would need a whole lot of Jack Daniels before tapping that

    • Pangulin

      There isn’t enough JD at the distillery to make me drunk enough to tap that, even if it also was wearing 3 bags! Beat the livin’ shit out of it maybe but tap it… hell no! The guy with the glass pipe or the one in the Santa hat are better looking than she is!

  14. Smaug

    who is this crotch fruit tree, and why does anyone give a fuck about her?

  15. Teem Mom Amber Portwood
    Commented on this photo:

    The Mischievous Dog

    A DOG used to run up quietly to the heels of everyone he met, and
    to bite them without notice. His master suspended a bell about
    his neck so that the Dog might give notice of his presence
    wherever he went. Thinking it a mark of distinction, the Dog
    grew proud of his bell and went tinkling it all over the
    marketplace. One day an old hound said to him: Why do you make
    such an exhibition of yourself? That bell that you carry is not,
    believe me, any order of merit, but on the contrary a mark of
    disgrace, a public notice to all men to avoid you as an ill
    mannered dog.”

    Notoriety is often mistaken for fame.

  16. beastman

    The Mischievous Dog

    A DOG used to run up quietly to the heels of everyone he met, and
    to bite them without notice. His master suspended a bell about
    his neck so that the Dog might give notice of his presence
    wherever he went. Thinking it a mark of distinction, the Dog
    grew proud of his bell and went tinkling it all over the
    marketplace. One day an old hound said to him: Why do you make
    such an exhibition of yourself? That bell that you carry is not,
    believe me, any order of merit, but on the contrary a mark of
    disgrace, a public notice to all men to avoid you as an ill
    mannered dog.”

    Notoriety is often mistaken for fame.

  17. Freedumb ain't free

    Myspace? People still use that shit?

  18. Lady Blah Blah

    When Warhol said that in the future everyone would be famous for 15 minutes, I bet he didn’t imagine that “everyone” would include trailer trash failures of evolution like this oinker.

    • castallare

      I mean, if you want to get technical, Warhol was about exposing the shady underbelly of society (a lot like John Waters, actually) so, if you want to get intellectual about it, yeah; he probably did think his statement would apply to this idiot.

      • Lady Blah Blah

        Yeah, you’re right. The shady underbelly of society indeed. But Amber makes Water stars the egg lady and Divine look regal, and she makes Warhol’s would-be assassin Valerie Solanas look normal.

    • castallare


      And, might I say what a treat it is to have exchanged such intelligent discourse with another fan of TheSuperfish. (No, seriously, it’s nice to subtly disagree with someone’s comment and have them come back with a respectful, educated response. It’s a Christmas miracle!)

  19. Km

    I totally agree that this bitch sucks, should never have reproduced, & she makes me angry. But it’s sad that you just suggested abortion of a girl that’s already 2 years old. Really- that’s pretty mean.

    • Tigerh8r

      Agreed. I’ve always been pro choice but that comment disturbed me and actually made me rethink my position on the issue. It’s not the baby’s fault that mom is a POS. If somebody has to die to make someone’s life better then give the one who hasn’t already made an ass of themselves the advantage. Maybe the baby can be adopted and actually be worth a darn. Somebody call Brangelina!

  20. Aggie

    But silly Fish, abortion is wrong! It is soooo much better for everyone to have another unwanted child on earth, being raised by total white trash morons, thus ensuring the trailer park will never be empty. THAT is what God wants. (The Pope told me so)

    • Kirk Cameron's Abortion Doctor

      See, the Christians need some sort of entertainment. They love to force knocked up teens to have babies, then they can follow them around w/ cameras, mock them & feel superior about being “saved.”

      Isn’t that right, you self-righteous Christians pricks?

  21. Teem Mom Amber Portwood
    Peter Pantsless
    Commented on this photo:

    An MMA fighter? If that guy ran into Georges St Pierre he’d shit his pants and offer to blow him.

  22. Teem Mom Amber Portwood
    Commented on this photo:

    i honestly thought he was using a cane in that picture, and then I noticed it was just a stupid lanyard.

  23. castallare

    You know, we could always stop looking at pictures of her, which would make the paparazzi stop trailing her in hopes to sell images of her, which would mean that the media would shift it’s focus from her, which, in turn, would put her back in the obscure, shitty lifestyle of which she seems oblivious she is a product and a perpetuator (new word alert), so we can go back to talking about people who at least have some merit or talent behind their fame and stop the vicious cycle of white trash nobodies doing awful things only to be rewarded with fame and money… Yeah! Let’s do it! Who’s with me?

    • Rather Dashing

      *crickets chirping*

    • Pangulin

      You could take this one step further.If everyone stopped watching shit like the show,”Teen Mom”, that spawned this idiot’s celebrity, along with shows that gave us abominations like Spencer and Heidi,et al. from “The Hills”, then MTV would go back to programming music videos and the world would be a much better place without the “reality” TV crap it currently is producing.

      • Peter

        Or we could all stop reading this website and buying Star magazine. It’s consumers like us that drive demand.

  24. Dankin

    So Fish, you wouldnt even give the kid a chance, you’d kill it right from the get-go, eh? Nice. At least in foster care the kid has a fighting chance, shithead. I realize this site is about being politically incorrect and all that bullshit but that pisses me off. Maybe your mom should have aborted you since all you amounted to in life is a blogger that makes unfunny jokes are other people’s expense.

    • Nancy

      (insert shit about YOU STUPID CONSERVATIVE BIBLE-READER here)

    • Billy Seatsniffer

      Dankin, if you’re not adopting or raising foster kids right now then I cordially invite you to go fuck yourself.

      • Peter

        Right, because you’re not allowed to have an opinion on a matter unless you’re personally involved in it? Good thing only people who live in Israel have an opinion on Palestine. Good thing only people currently in the military have an opinion on the war in Iraq. Douche.

  25. Ismoss

    Abort it, oh hahaha aint you the funny one. To bad your momma didnt look into that. Never mind the hundred others “choices” she had leading up to her getting knocked up. Much better to have killed it in the womb then to let her kill it after its born.

  26. RoboZombie

    THIS moon-faced cow should have been aborted!

  27. McFeely Smackup

    This is as sure a reason to support post-birth abortion as I could ever make up myself. This kid should never have been born. It’s never going to have a decent life. It’s just going to grow up neglected, hated, in poverty and spreading misery everywhere it goes. Trash rolls down hill, it’s just going to be generation after generation until someone breaks the chain.

    And just to be clear, I’m talking about needing to abort Amber, not her baby.

  28. moiyls

    No, I wasn’t thinking of abortion,
    I really REALLY wish that the government made Vasectomies Free of charge, and in some cases mandatory,
    Imagine if the Government gave 1000 dollars for you to get one, I know at least 67 percent of the readers of the superficial would do it, totally makes sense, I dont know why they dont
    some people are not meant to have kids, some ass hole moron idiot people dont deserve to even live, but thats another subject, I think vasectomies and whatever the fuck they do to girls should be free

    • Mortimer Duke

      Women, you fucking mental giant would have a tubal ligation. Which is the tying off of the fallopian tubes. More commonly known as having your tubes tied.

  29. Mortimer Duke

    All that and shes a looker too!

  30. grobpilot

    “Mama Fratelli” should be sticking hands into VitaMix’s anytime now (I give credit to another respondent who posts here for the Goonies reference. Couldn’t be more accurate)

  31. Teem Mom Amber Portwood
    Commented on this photo:

    Anyone else think that dude looks like McLovin??

  32. I’d adopt her kid just so I would know it is in a loving home with responsible parents.

  33. Teem Mom Amber Portwood
    Commented on this photo:

    hard to see the chick is beside him….thought he had some sort of fucked up ponytail

  34. Yoda

    Hell yeahs, she should have stuck a wire coat hanger up there, but since she already shit it out, not much we can do but retroactively abort the mother, and then, maybe then, the poor kid will have a fighting chance. All you have to do is look at this white trash train wreck and you realize that abortion is a beautiful thing.

    We can only pray that her new boyfriend will give her the Ryan Jenkins treatment.

  35. Scabby Dick

    I would like nothing better than to have her spread her cheeks over my face and take a massive dump in my mouth, after she’s feasted on chili.

  36. id fuck her without protection lol

  37. What a Dumbass

    Why is the bitch still allowed to breathe air? She’s a perfect poster child for state forced sterilization.

  38. Rod Dankster

    Wow this bitch is a real looker.

  39. Peter

    Yes, because killing the child is the only way to keep it safe. Sound logic, sir.

    I hope not too many other people “adopt” that reasoning for their own.

  40. Teem Mom Amber Portwood
    Commented on this photo:

    @sara, Yup – you are spot on. I swear that’s McLov’in.

  41. barry

    Looks like a young Kloe Kardashian. Fat face and all

  42. i’m not usually one to make fun of the way a person looks, but what the FUCK is up with that chick’s face? has she got acromegaly? is she the illegitimate love-child of Rondo Hatton and Robert Z’Dar? it looks WEIRD!!! Round, but sorta indented. And there’s so much makeup on it. She’s got a face like a cake that fell in the middle. Or a biscuit with a dent. I don’t understand how a face like her’s could enable her to become a teen mom in the first place. sheesh…

  43. Teem Mom Amber Portwood
    Alex Mindcrime
    Commented on this photo:

    MMA fighter?More like McLovin.

  44. Teem Mom Amber Portwood
    Commented on this photo:

    wow, she is hideous. I remember seeing this face almost every episode of Teen Mom.

  45. Christiana

    Wow Amber. Wow.

  46. wim

    ……….she hates it to be seen as “LOSER”, folks!!

  47. fuu

    yep, adoption is never a sensible option. ever. shouldn’t even be considered.

    (jk. and it’s comments like you made at the bottom of your post that make me more determined to stop reading your stupid website.)

  48. Brenda

    Finally people who think as I do!! Totally agree that certain people should be sterilized. Also agree that there are people who are meant to have kids and others who are not meant for it at all. That’s why I don’t have any. And here’s an idea, if you don’t like fish why don’t you go elsewhere?

  49. Teem Mom Amber Portwood
    Commented on this photo:

    Kill it before it breeds.

    Oh, wait…

  50. Phred

    Teh kill it before it breeds.

    Oh, teh wait.

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