‘Teen Mom’ Amber and The Fat Dude With a Tail Are Getting Married

February 28th, 2011 // 110 Comments

Presumably to pitch their own reality show considering just last week she was pregnant with a baby that literally anybody could’ve been the father of, Amber Portwood and Gary Shirley were spotted shopping for a “promise ring” over the weekend at Kay Jewelers. Of course, the whole thing would’ve looked less staged if Gary didn’t stop every five seconds to look at the paparazzi and make sure they were taking all those pictures they promised. I’m amazed there’s not a shot of him winking before attempting to get down on one knee and careening into a display case. “Get those cameras ready, boys- OH GOD NO!”


“I’m okay! I’m okay. My daughter broke the fall. You alright, sweetie? Sweetie? Shake your head if you can hear daddy. …. We’re not going to Gamestop are we? THIS IS BULLSHIT.

Photos: Splash News


  1. Teen Mom Amber Portwood
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Frank Zappa said that the most common element in the universe wasn’t hydrogen, it was stupidity.
    We here on the SW daily witness this great truth.

  2. youcandieNOW

    Great idea FATASS! Give her another ring to punch you upside the head with.

  3. almightyyoshi

    Is it just me, or did anyone else hear the quotes in Chris Farley’s voice?

  4. Teen Mom Amber Portwood
    Commented on this photo:

    lmfao. is this serious? shes actually using a spatchula to take snow off her car?

  5. So random people of Walmart are getting reality shows now…

  6. The Related Posts tags to this tale of 2 whales saga are hilarious.

  7. me

    this Sick & Lazy american was already a problem child before he was born………

  8. LEB

    IMO, if you press charges against abuse and/or battery and then you MARRY your abuser, all charges should be dropped and convictions expunged. You’d think Gary Shirley would have more sense than to marry a bipolar psycho media whore. Seriously.

  9. Rhialto

    If there’re after about 10 weeks still not the slightest and simplest result then the results will never be there.

  10. jay

    It really bothers me that people these days can become rich and successful solely by being dumb, lazy, abusive, abnoxious and promiscuous. Apparantly one doesn’t even need talent to succeed anymore. Maybe we should all quit our jobs and act like fame whores. Or sit on our asses smoking crack and collecting welfare. Either way, there’s really no difference.

  11. Rhialto

    Two times waiting for nothing like a jackass=BIG NO.

  12. Teen Mom Amber Portwood
    Commented on this photo:

    just looking at this bitch with her spatula makes me feel white trash.. and i know people that drink pabst blue ribbon! ;(

  13. Teen Mom Amber Portwood
    Commented on this photo:

    i wanted to make a really horrible joke about creatively using kitchen tools and scraping things *cough home abortions cough* but i just couldnt bring myself to do it *cough even though she should never have been legally allowed to be a parent cough*

  14. Ill Rough you just the way you are

    The entrepreneurial side of me says; make a piggy bank replica of Garry’s head for sales, which I think would be HUGE business wise. But that dude might turn around and sue me for stealing his “likeness”. Like there’s someone out there with a smaller head. Another great idea up in smoke.

  15. Ill Rough you just the way you are

    lol Ruin it…

  16. Ill Rough you just the way you are


  17. Ill Rough you just the way you are
  18. MoLiscious

    Why is she cleaning her car off with a spatula?

  19. Teen Mom Amber Portwood Gary Shirley
    Commented on this photo:

    Well I know where this is going.
    Marriage for fame
    Kids for fame.
    Abort for fame.
    Divorce for fame.
    Washed up porn-star ‘Amber Snake-eater’ fame.
    Die fame.


  20. Remember bobbing for apples at birthday parties, and how you always had to push the apple up against the side of the tub so you could bite into it, because otherwise you didn’t have any leverage and it would just roll away?

    I think that’s what their sex must be like.

  21. Teen Mom Amber Portwood
    Commented on this photo:


  22. XYZ

    Candidates for eugenics.

  23. Teen Mom Amber Portwood Gary Shirley
    Commented on this photo:

    remember how amber told Gary he wasn’t asking her to marry him correctly. SHe made him look like a real ass. here he is again being STUPID gary. Or should I say STUPID< STUPID Gary. Please don't give them a show of their own. She deserves Jail time, not spotlight time. For what she did to him on camera, no less off camera, she doesn't deserve his friendship, no less to be married. What a big joke. And the network does a show out of this, they should be taken to court for allowing this abuse to go on in the first place.

  24. MrsDanHumphrey

    Spencer and Heidi in their true form.

  25. Teen Mom Amber Portwood Gary Shirley
    Commented on this photo:

    That’s tail? I thought that was back hair. This ugly bitch can’t do any better anyway so she might as well marry her baby daddy. The kid is still gonna be fucked up in the head regardless.

  26. Teen Mom Amber Portwood Gary Shirley
    Commented on this photo:

    Kay Jewelers. Probably located in a mall next to the food court. Amber Portwood is a poster child for the phrase; “money can’t buy you class, sweetheart.”

  27. Teen Mom Amber Portwood Gary Shirley
    Commented on this photo:

    INBREDS … freekin INBREDS – makin’ more ARRRRGGH

  28. Teen Mom Amber Portwood
    Commented on this photo:

    Why is she cleaning the snow off her car with a kitchen spatula?

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