‘Teen Mom’ Amber and The Fat Dude With a Tail Are Getting Married

February 28th, 2011 // 110 Comments

Presumably to pitch their own reality show considering just last week she was pregnant with a baby that literally anybody could’ve been the father of, Amber Portwood and Gary Shirley were spotted shopping for a “promise ring” over the weekend at Kay Jewelers. Of course, the whole thing would’ve looked less staged if Gary didn’t stop every five seconds to look at the paparazzi and make sure they were taking all those pictures they promised. I’m amazed there’s not a shot of him winking before attempting to get down on one knee and careening into a display case. “Get those cameras ready, boys- OH GOD NO!”


“I’m okay! I’m okay. My daughter broke the fall. You alright, sweetie? Sweetie? Shake your head if you can hear daddy. …. We’re not going to Gamestop are we? THIS IS BULLSHIT.

Photos: Splash News


  1. Teen Mom Amber Portwood
    Commented on this photo:

    sweet ass

  2. GrandDragon

    The back of his neck will haunt my dreams for a month. looks like a pack of wieners with a toupee on it.

  3. Well, he won’t have to worry about losing his ring. When he isn’t wearing it on his finger, he can just wear it on his coccyx.

  4. Excellent, they’re doign the right thing. That and marriage counseling.
    Keep the pics comin of her ass tho i fuckin love it lol

  5. Marceelf

    Nothing keeps a woman out of jail like marriage.

  6. Teen Mom Amber Portwood
    Commented on this photo:

    those are some seriously sexy thighs. can she take another pregnancy to term without looking like kelly clarkson?

  7. GrandDragon

    Are those the same jeans as the infamous plumbers ass picture?

    I’m betting he only wears the one pair of pants, like Homer Simpson.

  8. Teen Mom Amber Portwood
    Commented on this photo:

    So, that’s a spatula she’s cleaning the snow off with…

  9. So, is the microsocope there to find his wang or her self-respect? I don’t get it…

  10. Teen Mom Amber Portwood
    Commented on this photo:

    Nothing clears off snow like a spatula with fresh grease on it.

  11. Wotwot

    I hope they don’t have kids!

  12. Teen Mom Amber Portwood
    Honest Abe
    Commented on this photo:

    She may be a pig, but her ass actually looked good in her recent naked photos!!

  13. Teen Mom Amber Portwood
    Commented on this photo:

    this cunt looks like her farts could gag a diarrhea enthusiast!

  14. Teen Mom Amber Portwood Gary Shirley
    Honest Abe
    Commented on this photo:

    Hard to believe, but her ass looked pretty sweet in her recent naked pics!

  15. Billy Idol said it best “It’s a nice day for white (trash) wedding”. Listen carefully, it’s in there.

    • mine was a shotgun wedding too, shit happens. what’s important is doing right by the kids–and getting counseling so they don’t fight so much. cos all couples do.

      • Funny how people always say they’re getting married to “do right by the kids”, then subject the kids to a decade or so of fighting before they get divorced and traumatize the kids even more. When it comes divorce time, suddenly “doing right by the kids” is the last thing on the list.

      • yeah but not making the effort is shortchanging that kid from the beginning. sure fighting aint good to watch but most kids would rather watch two parents fight here or there than have only one parent

      • Alexandra

        dudeatdudedotdude, you are very wrong on that assumption. In fact I am willing to bet that many children of disfunctional families would disagree with you.

        My parents were married for over 25 years, and they spent many of those years fighting between hurling emotional and verbal abuse at themselves and me. It was a living nightmare I wouldn’t wish on anyone. When my mother finally grew a pair and walked out on my dad when I was 20, only then was she able to work on improving her own life. My dad did the same. They actually became much better people when they split up. Divorce proved to be a positive experience for the both of them, because they were finally able to work out their own problems and emotional baggage by themselves.

        Was it worth all that to have two parents? No. Hell no. I would rather have been with one happy parent, and raised in a loving environment, than to have to go through what I did because it was “important to have two parents.” It’s bullsh1t and anyone who doesn’t think so needs a reality check. Your attitude is one from the 50s, not from the 21st century.

        I hope you never have to experience what I did.

  16. mel

    this cunt looks like her farts could gag a diarrhea enthusiast.

  17. slappy magoo

    I hope their wedding band will find room to set up their gear at the DQ Chill n’ Grill. Space there can get pretty tight.

  18. Teen Mom Amber Portwood Gary Shirley
    Commented on this photo:

    Amber: “You did not just ask if we can pay for this with food stamps?!”

  19. Teen Mom Amber Portwood
    Senor Trout
    Commented on this photo:

    ‘That was the deal…I get a ring, I cook him an engine block omelet, weather be damned.’

  20. Gerbil in my Butt

    Awwww … how sweet! Talk about being made for eachother.

  21. Teen Mom Amber Portwood
    Commented on this photo:

    Is she really using a spatula to clean snow off a car? People that stupid shouldn’t be allowed to live.

  22. TomFrank

    Please spare us the Hillary Duff-style post-proposal blow job pictures.

  23. Khloe and Lamar are getting a show now, too.
    The world has given up.

  24. Deacon Jones

    Somewhere, a male jeans designer who thought they finally “made it” is silently weeping on a couch in the fetal position.

  25. Jimbo

    Hehehehe look at all the shinny rocks momma.. I want to play with them…..

  26. She’s smiling because marriage is her ticket to never having to dig under that fat gunt again on BJ night.

    • ellen

      Ehh I dunno – he looks like he’d be all balls – and you can’t blow an inverted penis

    • Snickers

      I dunno, I think digging might be a good idea here… the more she swallows, the less of her we’ll see. Remember the whole Teen Mom thing?

  27. I got a good feeling about these two.

  28. God, that girl looks like she could suck-start a Harley.

  29. Actually, this was an elaborate distraction ploy. Lohan walked out with a fist sized diamond and all anybody could do was stare at the freak show.

  30. Jeremy

    Institutionalized sterilization, NOW!

  31. so this is a real life version if “Mike & Molly” became white trash.

  32. HumpinFrog

    When fatboy finds out she’s using his Ronco flap jack wonder flipper to scrape ice off the car, there’s goin’ be trouble. Big trouble. Hungry Jack trouble.

  33. Talk about The Tail wagging The Dog.

  34. Teen Mom Amber Portwood
    Commented on this photo:

    It’s the same spatula she applies her makeup with.

  35. Savalas

    It isn’t “married”. It’s “hitched n shit”

    And it’s not “are getting”. It’s “done got”

  36. Looks like he left a few of his future kids on the pocket of his dungarees.

  37. Rhialto

    I’d barely know them but congrats.

  38. jay

    If there were ever a pro-abortion campaign say ‘hello’ to the 1st spokespersons.

  39. sobrietyisacrutch

    What exactly is a “promise ring”? I promise to maybe marry you? I promise to try to be faithful? I promise not to eat all your fries?

    • Cock Dr

      “I promise to turn all the lights out before I undress.”

    • shitty

      I promise I don’t want to marry you, although I won’t tell you *that* – so here I dropped some cash to buy some time before you start asking again

  40. Bucky Barnes

    That guy is actually emaciated by Hoosier standards. Guidelines from the Indiana Department of Health state that 90 percent body fat should be the goal for all Indiana residents, even if they have to drastically reduce their food intake to a meager 15,000 calories daily.

  41. Hard to look at that picture when you realize her post-coital routine must involve cleaning back fat from under her nails.

  42. jumpin_j

    “Shopping for a “promise ring” ? WTF is the promise? Not to throw up on each other when they realize what they’ve done?

  43. Really, doesn’t the tail just give her something to hold onto while she’s reaming him with a strap-on?

  44. Teen Mom Amber Portwood
    Commented on this photo:

    Looks like someone told her the “rocks’ they were shopping for aren’t for snorting.

  45. Teen Mom Amber Portwood
    Commented on this photo:

    Cause clearly this is something that should be reproducing. *leaves country*

  46. Bucky Barnes

    They’re shopping for a microscope? Wow, that must be some small penis…

  47. Teen Mom Amber Portwood
    Commented on this photo:

    Is this worthless piglet attempting to look sexy?

  48. Teen Mom Amber Portwood
    Commented on this photo:


    I hope this pig drops off the face of the earth, why does America even care about this down syndrome faced cunt enough to put her fatass on tv? What has she contributed to society, other than popping a kid out of her zit covered vagina at a young age?

  49. KS

    I didn’t read through all the comments but did anyone notice she was cleaning snow off her car with a SPATULA?! A spatula. Better that than the kid I guess.

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