The 2014 Teen Choice Awards

August 11th, 2014 // 163 Comments
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Someone just spotted Kim Kardashian.

I’ve grown old enough where I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be a teenager and now hate them for their youthful vigor and freedom to make stupid choices with abandon. Case in point: I once drove an hour to the nearest Best Buy to buy Limp Bizkit’s Significant Other. A dystopian society where our emotions are administered by robots would’ve detected this weakness and laser beamed me in the dick, so keep that in mind. Anyway, to drive that stupid part home, here’s The 2014 Teen Choice Awards where Cancer Girlfriend (That’s the title. Shut up.) won everything and the Kardashians were invited as role models and not gag urinals. Which is why it’s time to stop hoping for moon bases and AIDS cures and set our sights on more realistic goals like advanced boob jiggling in video games. Which actually sounds awesome, and now I feel bad about those kids I shot on my yard. One of them might perfect CGI nipples.

Photos: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

superficial

  1. Demi Lovato Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    “Isn’t the entrance the other way?”
    “Yes, but we’re sneaking you through the back.”

  2. Kendall Jenner Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Kim is about 5’2″, making Kendall about 5’8″/5’9″. BTW, Kourtney is 5’0″, making Khloe…well, they haven’t reached the top yet.

  3. Taylor Swift Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Watch it. If you make eye contact with her, she will consider you her betrothed.

  4. Kylie Jenner Kendall Jennee Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    “We have been walking around for hours.Can you show us the way out?”

  5. Ariana Grande Teen Choice Awards
    Ralph
    Commented on this photo:

    Huge head, huge feet.

  6. Ariana Grande Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    “Help! The Kardashians are trying to assimilate me into their hive!”

  7. Kylie Jenner Teen Choice Awards
    Ralph
    Commented on this photo:

    Just the opposite…Big (long) body, little tiny head.

  8. Taylor Swift Teen Choice Awards
    Ralph
    Commented on this photo:

    Crazy Eyes.

  9. Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Ralph
    Commented on this photo:

    Who did she have to overrule to go out looking like this. Surely her ‘handlers” have better sense.

  10. Kendall Jenner Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    “We’re getting real sick of you stopping and posing every time you see a camera. Keep walking or get out of everybody’s way.”

  11. Jennifer Lopez Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s so scary, old age is afraid to touch her.

  12. Kylie Jenner Teen Choice Awards
    anonymous
    Commented on this photo:

    I bet as they get older the more the other Jenner turns legit model; the more this one goes slut.

  13. Taylor Swift Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    “Hey, he made eye contact with me. We will be so happy together…WaIt! Why is he looking at her? He used me! I will destroy him in song! He will regret the day he looked upon Taylo- … Hey, he made eye contact with me…”

  14. Jennifer Lopez Teen Choice Awards
    HamburgerPimp
    Commented on this photo:

    Her knees are weird.

  15. Ariana Grande Teen Choice Awards
    Mike Anger
    Commented on this photo:

    Awww … don’t she look so sweet in momma’s shoes? Who’s a big girl, huh? Who’s a big girl?

  16. Selena Gomez Teen Choice Awards
    Donatello
    Commented on this photo:

    “Kids, five more minutes, then I’m going. Taylor, ask your friends if anyone needs a ride. Five more minutes. I mean it! I’ll go without you!”

  17. Jennifer Lopez Teen Choice Awards
    Mike Anger
    Commented on this photo:

    “See? I’m young and desirable too!”

  18. Kendall Jenner Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Mike Anger
    Commented on this photo:

    “How dare you, sir! I am already spoken for! By an Arabian gentleman whom I will meet tonight at 10PM in room 3008.”

  19. Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Mike Anger
    Commented on this photo:

    Get shovels and buckets! We can roll it back to the water! Clear its air passage!

  20. Kylie Jenner Kendall Jennee Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    If teens are choosing this, then the teens are defective. We need to dump this batch and start over.

  21. Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    zyklonb
    Commented on this photo:

    Hey look, a hippo dressed as a zebra!

  22. Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Fancy Face
    Commented on this photo:

    Why in the 9 hells is KK there?! She’s 100000 years too old. Unless she’s looking for a potential cash cow for North West, well then, carry on Mrs. Kardashian.

  23. Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    MoreMariaNow!!
    Commented on this photo:

    This would have been a perfect time to nuke this place, it would probably help save billions of lives!!

  24. Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    MoreMariaNow!!
    Commented on this photo:

    Why THE FUCK are there so many pictures of this fatass whore bitch?!?!??!?!

  25. Bella Thorne Teen Choice Awards
    J.J.
    Commented on this photo:

    [ Insert penis joke here ]

  26. Kylie Jenner Kendall Jennee Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    anonymous
    Commented on this photo:

    LOL Stupid ass Kim just had to show up onstage at a kid’s awards show. Even her sisters thought better of it and stayed home.

  27. Taylor Swift Teen Choice Awards
    dontkillthemessenger
    Commented on this photo:

    I think I could bang the annoying out of her, but I’ve never had sex for 96 straight hours.

  28. Ariana Grande Teen Choice Awards
    tlmck
    Commented on this photo:

    90 pounds of hair, and 10 pounds of girl.

  29. Jennifer Lopez Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Sweet Jeebers and Hoe-Lee Shite! Hard to believe those are 45 year old legs…

  30. Kylie Jenner Kendall Jennee Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Those aren’t surfboards – they’re pantyshields.

  31. Kylie Jenner Teen Choice Awards
    Mike Hunt
    Commented on this photo:

    Oink Oink! This dirty little fuck pig has already taken miles of black dick and she’s not even legal yet. Can’t wait to listen to her oink and squeal in the inevitable sex tape with whatever rapper is popular in 1 year.

  32. Taylor Swift Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    I’ve never thought much of this skinny bitch, but 6 photos in of her I am hooked, she looks fng HOT!

  33. Bella Thorne Teen Choice Awards
    CtF
    Commented on this photo:

    Concave thighs are so in right now.

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