The 2014 Teen Choice Awards

August 11th, 2014 // 163 Comments
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Someone just spotted Kim Kardashian.

I’ve grown old enough where I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be a teenager and now hate them for their youthful vigor and freedom to make stupid choices with abandon. Case in point: I once drove an hour to the nearest Best Buy to buy Limp Bizkit’s Significant Other. A dystopian society where our emotions are administered by robots would’ve detected this weakness and laser beamed me in the dick, so keep that in mind. Anyway, to drive that stupid part home, here’s The 2014 Teen Choice Awards where Cancer Girlfriend (That’s the title. Shut up.) won everything and the Kardashians were invited as role models and not gag urinals. Which is why it’s time to stop hoping for moon bases and AIDS cures and set our sights on more realistic goals like advanced boob jiggling in video games. Which actually sounds awesome, and now I feel bad about those kids I shot on my yard. One of them might perfect CGI nipples.

Photos: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

superficial

  1. Swearin

    Remember the late 90′s when there was a glut of young blonde, mostly-white pop stars dominating the music industry? Between Ariana Grande, Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato and probably others I haven’t heard of yet, I feel like Latinas are the new blonde white girls

  2. Kendall Jenner Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Short Round
    Commented on this photo:

    Why do I think the only thing the guy behind her can say is, I’m Groot!

  3. Ian Somerhalder Ariana Grande Teen Choice Awards
    Short Round
    Commented on this photo:

    Heard the expression “suck face” before but ‘ve never seen anyone mean it literally.

  4. Bella Thorne Teen Choice Awards
    PassingTrue
    Commented on this photo:

    Only 17, only 17…

  5. Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    It’s not like “Fattest Ass” is really a choice based award.

  6. Taylor Swift Teen Choice Awards
    PassingTrue
    Commented on this photo:

    Pretty and sparkly.

  7. Jennifer Lopez Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    A hundred and thirteen?

  8. Bella Thorne Teen Choice Awards
    PassingTrue
    Commented on this photo:

    This could breathe new life into square dancing.

  9. Taylor Swift Teen Choice Awards
    PassingTrue
    Commented on this photo:

    She eats what she kills. I’m okay with that.

  10. Bella Thorne Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    I would have thought Kris would have trademarked the Kardashian greeting.

  11. Kylie Jenner Kendall Jennee Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    PassingTrue
    Commented on this photo:

    They couldn’t find Abbey Road with a TomTom.

  12. Bella Thorne Teen Choice Awards
    AteIsEnough
    Commented on this photo:

    Is she looking at me?

  13. Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    PassingTrue
    Commented on this photo:

    Dear god no.

  14. Taylor Swift Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    i’d jizz in her hair.

  15. Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    The Zebra says: “Moooo”

  16. Demi Lovato Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    I’d bet $100 this bitch is singing the Kit Kat candy bar song

  17. Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Miley Cyrusis aslut
    Commented on this photo:

    If a Zebra mated with a mated with a Water Buffalo, this is what their offspring would look like…

  18. Kendall Jenner Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Miley Cyrusis aslut
    Commented on this photo:

    @ Short Round…that is all she can say, too.

  19. Ariana Grande Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Jeannette McCurdy wasn’t there?

  20. Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    If teenage girls want to idolize a thirty-something woman with a giant ass, they should just spend more time with their mom.

  21. Demi Lovato Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    “Yes maam, the buffet is right this way.”

  22. Ariana Grande Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Too young. Too thin. Skirt too short. Perfect.

  23. Selena Gomez Teen Choice Awards
    dave smith
    Commented on this photo:

    she just does it for me. I think she looks remarkable even in a simple outfit like this.

  24. Kendall Jenner Teen Choice Awards
    dave smith
    Commented on this photo:

    she looks bad here. and the outfit is horrible.

  25. Bella Thorne Teen Choice Awards
    buzz
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s starting to look like younger Dianna Agron to me.

  26. Kylie Jenner Kendall Jennee Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    GTFO ! cOWS DON’T SURF!

  27. Taylor Swift Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Why am I not surprised it is exactly like a dress you would put on Barbie?

  28. Kylie Jenner Teen Choice Awards
    Robb7
    Commented on this photo:

    This little piglet has the potential to embarrass that entire fucked-up family in ways their pimp mother never thought possible.

  29. Jennifer Lopez Teen Choice Awards
    Robb7
    Commented on this photo:

    Did her Depends just overflow?!

  30. Bella Thorne Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Faye Reagan’s non porn sister?

  31. Nina Dobrev Teen Choice Awards
    buzz
    Commented on this photo:

    Hottest chick on TV. But her show is stupid as hell.

    There were recent pics of her wearing the hell of some daisy dukes. So hot.

    • Michael

      “Vampire Diaries” is certainly no “True Blood”, but it’s not as bad as we’re being led on to believe.

      I sure hope “Let’s Be Cops” is a good film. Damon Wayans Jr. rules as far as I’m concerned.

  32. Taylor Swift Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Definitely “Basic Instinct” Batshit Crazy stare!

  33. Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    buzz
    Commented on this photo:

    So that’s what a zonkey (Part ass/Part zebra) loos like.

  34. Bella Thorne Teen Choice Awards
    Ian B
    Commented on this photo:

    …and make sure you look directly into their eyes when you’re putting it in your mouth.

  35. Kylie Jenner Teen Choice Awards
    Robb7
    Commented on this photo:

    Brilliant — but I think this one’s on the fast track and she’ll reach her “Big Ang” peak in ten years! Mama’s got farm animals lined up for her future.

  36. Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    YaYa
    Commented on this photo:

    One of these photos is not like the other….

    • If she were a nice person, we[‘d all be raving about her edgy garment selection. But since she’s a putrid twat, she looks like a fucking clown. A clown with a huge ass and big tits, but a clown nonetheless.

  37. Jennifer Lopez Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    And my next teenage boyfriend is……..

  38. Bella Thorne Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    The Force is strong with this one.

  39. Bella Thorne Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    “Now, you’re ALL going to HELL!!!!”

  40. Jennifer Lopez Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    was she a chaperon at the “Teen Awards”? otherwise, why is granny here?

  41. Bella Thorne Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    What are all you people talking about? She isn’t eating a Snickers Bar.

  42. Selena Gomez Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    What? No Bieber? Could this be an indication that she has finally dumped him for good? Or maybe he is just afraid to fuck her while she’s menstruating…

  43. Jennifer Lopez Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    J-Lo looks so much hotter than Kim K. that it’s ridiculous. And J-Lo is 12 years older.

  44. Demi Lovato Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    I kind of feel sad for this chick. Didn’t she have some sort of emotional issues at one point? And it seems she’s always trying to make a comeback and always falls just a little bit short. Plus I think she’d be a fun roll in the hay.

  45. Taylor Swift Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Beautiful face. Scrawny (but nicely shaped) body. Overall, not unpleasant to look at. Easy to dance to if one is a teenager, a hillbilly, or both. I give her an 82.

  46. Kylie Jenner Kendall Jennee Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    If those Jenner girls ever develop larger breasts, they’re going to look incredible.

  47. Kylie Jenner Kendall Jennee Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    “Hey Kim, this might be the first time you received something long, hard and white.”
    “I don’t get it.”

  48. Bella Thorne Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Someday I’d like to poke that Thorne. Or maybe the Thorne could poke me. Now there’s an interesting thought…

  49. Jennifer Lopez Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    The only reason she is there is to invite kids to her gingerbread house.

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