The 2014 Teen Choice Awards

August 11th, 2014 // 163 Comments
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Someone just spotted Kim Kardashian.

I’ve grown old enough where I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be a teenager and now hate them for their youthful vigor and freedom to make stupid choices with abandon. Case in point: I once drove an hour to the nearest Best Buy to buy Limp Bizkit’s Significant Other. A dystopian society where our emotions are administered by robots would’ve detected this weakness and laser beamed me in the dick, so keep that in mind. Anyway, to drive that stupid part home, here’s The 2014 Teen Choice Awards where Cancer Girlfriend (That’s the title. Shut up.) won everything and the Kardashians were invited as role models and not gag urinals. Which is why it’s time to stop hoping for moon bases and AIDS cures and set our sights on more realistic goals like advanced boob jiggling in video games. Which actually sounds awesome, and now I feel bad about those kids I shot on my yard. One of them might perfect CGI nipples.

Photos: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet, Getty, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

superficial

  1. Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    MOO

  2. Jennifer Lopez Teen Choice Awards
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    That ain’t no teenager.

  3. Bella Thorne Teen Choice Awards
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    Photoshoppers, start your engines!

  4. Kylie Jenner Kendall Jennee Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    They were a lock to win the “Most popular whores” category.

  5. Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Horizontal zebra stripes across the gunt.=best choice ever.

  6. Taylor Swift Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    “Clingy psycho” has never looked so good.

  7. Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Teenagers have youth to blame their agonizing fashion mistakes on, what’s HER excuse? Is there nothing but funhouse mirrors there at the West compound?

  8. Selena Gomez Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Please forgive the tired look on her face. It’s past her bedtime.

  9. Ariana Grande Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s really cute. “Problem” is a pretty hot song.

    • JC

      She’s easy on the eyes, but goddamn that speaking voice. Nothing a ball gag won’t fix, but still, it amazes me that her parents didn’t try to drown her in the bathtub the moment she started speaking.

      • buzz

        Nothing wrong with her actual voice. It’s when she does that Cat voice that she sounds like fingernails on a chalkboard.

        Girl can’t dance though but she looks good just doing her wooden stepping.

  10. Nina Dobrev Teen Choice Awards
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    She’s a’ight.

  11. Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Black and white pattern? Really? Now we know she reads this website.

  12. Bella Thorne Teen Choice Awards
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    Nice job hiding that air vent in just the right spot, pervy set up guy. You’re doing god’s work.

  13. Jennifer Lopez Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Hunting for a new boyfriend , I see.

  14. Demi Lovato Teen Choice Awards
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    Chubbs.

  15. Taylor Swift Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    That push-up bra is working overtime.

  16. Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    … What the hell is she doing there?
    Does her famewhoring truly knows no bond that she must force herself on kids?

    Think of the children! THE CHILDREN!!!!

  17. LOL @Fish – you seriously drove A FREAKIN’ HOUR to buy “Significant Other”? Really!?

    Brother… There’s really things you should keep secret.

  18. Kendall Jenner Teen Choice Awards
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    She’s got a serious case of bitch face.

  19. Kylie Jenner Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    This one is going to be such a fucking train wreck. You can see it all over her face.

  20. Selena Gomez Teen Choice Awards
    creemygoodness
    Commented on this photo:

    This has clearly been photoshopped. The thought bubble should be empty.

  21. Bella Thorne Teen Choice Awards
    Short Round
    Commented on this photo:

    If there is a mouth to career ratio she shall be very successful.

  22. Nina Dobrev Teen Choice Awards
    o'chunt
    Commented on this photo:

    Best legs in the business currently. Damn.

  23. Kylie Jenner Kendall Jennee Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    I can just imagine the conversation between 2 sharks as they look up to these women sitting atop their surfboards:
    “Is that a whale dick?”
    ” I think it is… Balls and all..”

  24. Kylie Jenner Kendall Jennee Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Short Round
    Commented on this photo:

    Is this a brood of Kardashians? Or a flock? What’s the word?… A herd. Definitely a herd!

    • Heard of what?
      Kardashians.
      Of course I’ve heard of Kardashians.
      No, idiot, a Kardashian herd.
      What the fuck do I care what the Kardashians heard? I have no secrets from the Kardashians.

  25. Demi Lovato Teen Choice Awards
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s gone full dyke.

  26. Demi Lovato Teen Choice Awards
    brick
    Commented on this photo:

    Cool to see Orange is the New Black was represented as well!

  27. Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Walter Peck
    Commented on this photo:

    Where is a pride of lions when you need one?

  28. Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    Wow, she looks like she cant fit through doorways anymore

  29. Taylor Swift Teen Choice Awards
    Short Round
    Commented on this photo:

    Oh-oh. She’s wearing green. Don’t know what it means on other girls but on her any color means, RUN AWAY!

  30. Kylie Jenner Kendall Jennee Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Visible
    Commented on this photo:

    Kardashians being honored at the Teen Choice Awards?

    America is fucking doomed.

  31. Kylie Jenner Kendall Jennee Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Kim is so gross.

  32. Selena Gomez Teen Choice Awards
    Short Round
    Commented on this photo:

    Something tells me her look will go from Way-Too-Young to Way-Too-Old by skipping that 25-40 look of OK.

  33. Ariana Grande Teen Choice Awards
    Short Round
    Commented on this photo:

    Looks a bit like a young Jessica Alba.

  34. Kylie Jenner Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    She always looks so trashy and snobby. With those much-too-big fake talons on her fingers it’s like she is playing dress-up.

  35. Nina Dobrev Teen Choice Awards
    Short Round
    Commented on this photo:

    Is she slowly floating away?

  36. Selena Gomez Teen Choice Awards
    woman logic
    Commented on this photo:

    What the fuck could you actually fit in that shitty little purse that you couldnt just as easily stick in your goddamn pocket thus having to carry nothing at all in your hands…

  37. Selena Gomez Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    glaringly unremarkable

  38. Kylie Jenner Teen Choice Awards
    Visible
    Commented on this photo:

    shes the hottest one, or should I say the hot one.

  39. Jennifer Lopez Teen Choice Awards
    Short Round
    Commented on this photo:

    Every underage party needs a chaperone.

  40. Taylor Swift Teen Choice Awards
    Short Round
    Commented on this photo:

    I spy with my little eye… the target of my next break up song.

  41. Bella Thorne Teen Choice Awards
    Short Round
    Commented on this photo:

    I know she’s 17 but here she could be anywhere from 25-30 and I’d believe it.

  42. Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Did not know they let in pigs to award shows.

  43. Kylie Jenner Kendall Jennee Kim Kardashian Teen Choice Awards
    Joe Blow
    Commented on this photo:

    Talk about missed opportunities. Where’s a cluster bomb when you need one?

  44. Jennifer Lopez Teen Choice Awards
    Short Round
    Commented on this photo:

    Made the same face when I turned 30. An expression of panic mixed with sad realization.

  45. Ariana Grande Teen Choice Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    What a strange looking body on that.

  46. Kylie Jenner Teen Choice Awards
    Cletus
    Commented on this photo:

    Apparently the Kardashian/Jenner kunts and Bella Throne were the only ones there.

  47. Nina Dobrev Teen Choice Awards
    Michael
    Commented on this photo:

    She and Ariana Grande are the only talented celebs at this gala. I would list Bella Thorne, but she’s got a long way to go.

    And I’ll second o’chunt’s comment about her legs. I’d fuckin’ eat them alive.

  48. Kendall Jenner Teen Choice Awards
    Short Round
    Commented on this photo:

    I’m confused. Which one applies to her? She’s no fox. Definitely no teen’s choice. Well, she is dumb as a shoe and will probably make her way in Hollywood is by rubbing oil on producers. I guess 2 out of 4 ain’t bad.

  49. Kendall Jenner Teen Choice Awards
    Swearin
    Commented on this photo:

    Wait, I saw this movie; wasn’t she chasing Saoirse Ronan down to destroy the renegade alien spirit inside her?

  50. Demi Lovato Teen Choice Awards
    Short Round
    Commented on this photo:

    I dare you to look at this picture with ‘Weird Al Yankovic – I’m Fat’ playing!

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