Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Is Probably an Illuminati Poster Child

Ok, so maybe he’s not actually sacrificing goats or blowing old, rich white dudes in Eyes Wide Shut masks to get roles, but it is about to be a crazy ride for Joe Alwyn. After knowledge of Joe and Taylor Swift’s relationship went public this month, the 26-year-old actor is already being rumored to be Hollywoods next “it guy” for America to forcefully throat into submission (most likely resulting in rehab). Now that everyone knows he’s banging T. Swift, he’s moving from his hometown of London (where he still lives with his mom) to Los Angeles to get more film work be closer to Taylor Swift.

The guy’s first on-screen performance out of college was the title character in an Ang Lee movie for chrissake! It took Tom Hiddleson over a decade to become relevant stateside before their awkward, 3-month date that went on too long. He seems to be doing pretty well on the other side though after beating Swift at her own puppetmaster game.

I’m going to give Alwyn about a month of constant paparazzi trying to catch him walking outside with a boner before we start seeing subliminal cries for help on his Twitter, which is about to explode with “Swiffers” doing routine maintenance on their wet jets.