Chelsea Handler Says Taylor Swift Is A Virgin

March 7th, 2013 // 61 Comments
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In a surprisingly generous move, Jennifer Aniston gave Chelsea Handler a break from calling Angelina Jolie a demon long enough for her to call Taylor Swift a virgin who doesn’t put out and that’s why guys leave her. Future feminists will truly look back on this day and go, “Right here. Right here where’s they almost nailed it. Except, God, that hair.” Via Us Weekly:

“My theory about Taylor Swift is that she’s a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she’s like, ‘I’m not gonna do it.’ And they’re like, ‘Oh, well, forget it. Then I don’t want to date you,’” Handler imagined. “Every guy thinks they’re going to devirginize her, and they’re not. She’s never going to get devirginized, ever, ever, ever, ever.”

What’s incredible is that a woman said this and it actually makes sense because think about it. All of these guys did things that only non-famous dudes have to do to get girls in the sack. Jake Gyllenhaal brought her to Thanksgiving dinner, John Mayer pretended he wasn’t going to bang other women and Harry Styles.. was British? Okay, so those might’ve been bad examples, but the point is they all bolted after a few weeks when the sexy time never happened. And for those of you wondering, when is the right time to have sex with a boy you just started dating? Immediately. Get it over with as quickly possible. He gets the only thing he’s after (sex), and you get the only thing you’re after (an easily manipulated puppet who’ll do anything for just the promise of that sex). In fact, genuinely content yourself with the fact that that’s the most anyone should ever expect out of any relationship and you’ll not only live a happier life, but also save a shit-ton of money by either not having an unnecessary wedding or kids or whatever horseshit romantic comedies made you think you need to be “in love.” Is Taylor Swift writing this all down? Because I could be talking about famous breasts right now.

Photos: Getty, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN

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  1. Inner Retard

    They say some people don’t grow up they just get older. Reading this takes me back to high school. Except, these retards have their own money instead of their parents’.

  2. Are we men really “easily manipulated puppets who’ll do anything for just the promise of sex”? Anything? Don’t we draw the line somewhere? Wouldn’t we put our foot down at, say, sitting through the latest Twilight movie just to get some action? Gosh, you’d really gotta be desperate to do a thing like that.

  3. The irony of a cum slut calling out another woman as being a forever virgin is funny. How’d that “Women’s Movement” work out for ya?

    Bella Abzug must be spinning in her grave.

  4. Anonymous

    I would sit through the latest Twilight movie to devirginize Taylor Swift. But it’s because I want to help her, and I’m willing to sacrifice to do it.

    Yeah…I’m basically a super hero.

    • Inner Retard

      I tried to watch for 5 minutes and had a conniption. I guarantee after the entire movie you’d be gouging your own eyes out screaming WE HAVE NO RIGHT TO MESS WITH THE LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE!!!

  5. Nate

    By a guy. But trust me she’s lost her v-card back in high school.

  6. Jill

    I guarantee Chelsea Handler is absolutely correct on this. Wow, never thought I’d say that.

    • karlito

      i’ve been saying that forever. she wants to be the “it” girl and be the cute little princess as well but in the real world people have sex and she is either wants to wait for the right guy or she’s disgusted by the thought of slapping happys together.

  7. Benny

    I would love to have Taylor wrap her long legs around me while I go to work on her. I bet she has a killer ass to go along with her small yet pert boobies. She is perfect.

    • john

      she did have perfect small breasts. but sadly she has gotten implants. pictures of her boob job scar are easy to find. so sad, she had a perfect body, now she’s just another fake-boobed fake chick.

  8. In a fucked up way this actually makes a lot of sense.

  9. Deacon Jones

    Weren’t we just talking about backstabbing bitches yesterday?

  10. LA Juice (@alajuice)

    Things I don’t understand in descending order:

    1. Why Chelsea handler is a celebrity.
    2. Why Chelsea Handler is a celebrity.
    3. Why Chelsea Handler is a celebrity.
    4. Why we care what a 50 year old, geriatric scrotum sucking harpy says about a teenager.
    5. . Why Chelsea Handler is a celebrity.

  11. Taylor Swift Academy Of Country Music Awards
    JC
    Commented on this photo:

    “And you’re never….ever….ever….gonna break my hymen!”

  12. Taylor Swift Academy Of Country Music Awards
    DaddyMack
    Commented on this photo:

    She needs to get busted by a BBC

  13. Taylor Swift Academy Of Country Music Awards
    BiJenni
    Commented on this photo:

    Ohhhhh!!!! I’d do her in a lezzie heartbeat!!!!

  14. Just want to remind everyone that anal is not sex to Christians. Just tossing that out there…

  15. Rdude

    Well, at least this shows what women are good for in Chelsea’s world.. either they put out, or you leave ‘em.

    Mayhaps Chelsea just gave us more insight into her own psyche than Taylor’s.

    That said, I wouldn’t go near Taylor Swift with a 10 foot pole. Not with her history.

  16. This chick is not a virgin. She’s a maneater. You really think John Mayer would spend even 30 minutes with a woman who wasn’t putting out? Yeah, right.

    There are so many women out there willing to have sex with those guys. Why would they ever waste time on Taylor if she wasn’t giving up that ass. Guys like that would be able to figure out pretty quickly if a girl was down to fuck or not.

  17. anonym

    If she won’t give up the pussy, I’d be very happy to do her in the asshole.

    I imagine it’s very tight back there.

  18. anonym

    and going in the poopchute still leaves her a virgin, if she wants to stay that way

  19. Cock Dr

    This would explain a lot, but I ain’t buying it.
    She probably just a lousy lay and is annoying as hell to be around.

    • I think you nailed it. She comes across as super annoying.

    • Kim W.

      I think you’re partly right, but I also think there’s more to it than just that. Both Taylor’s parents worked in the financal sector, had summer homes at the beach, and raised horses for a hobby; and Talor herself had close to ten years private voice lessons.
      I suspect in addition to not only being a lousy lay she also thinks most of those around her are beneath her.

    • Dr. JFever

      I’ve always thought she would be like that Miss Delaware. Cute to look at but a dead fish.

  20. I’m thinking maybe she’s not a virgin, but all the guys who have bedded her got fed up with the bruises her bony body was leaving all over them. Looked like they were getting mugged every night. Too bad, ‘cuz otherwise she’s a doll.

  21. BBB

    Being a virgin is not a bad thing, I don’t know why Chelsea is trying to make it seem like that. Nevertheless, I don’t think she’s right (and I don’t like Taylor Swift) and I also don’t think she’s funny in general.

  22. Taylor Swift Academy Of Country Music Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    “My tickle taco smells like gummy bears, and unicorn tears.”

  23. Sounds like somebody has to enable her sex programming routine. A system reset should do it.

  24. against medical advice

    She tells guys ” I have an X date rule”, Then , when they get to within spitting distance of the number , she revises it because she doesn’t think that men can count easily

  25. Just wanted to say that I read this blog ever. fucking. day. and this has to be among one of my favorite posts on this site. Not cause I give a shit about Taylor Swift, but because not only is it cleverly and comically written (like almost every single post on this site) but because it punches you in the tit with some truth at the end.

    Yes, I AM going through relationship hell right now. Thanks for asking.

  26. I think she gives it up quickly but is really bad at sex. Some woman can look incredible but just aren’t good sexually. Case in point is Jennifer Aniston, Halle Berry, and now Taylor Swift.

  27. suitor #4

    it makes PERFECT sense.

  28. JMG

    Virgin, Maybe in the A?s

  29. LOLright

    maybe it’s just my dirty mind, but every time i hear “flew me to places i’ve never been” i always wonder, did he fuck the shit out of her or something? i mean, she has been to a lot of places

  30. Big Jack

    I don’t care what people say I think Taylor is awesome. She’s talented, spiritual, beautiful, rich, and a Virgin. Dam…what more can a man ask for?

  31. Gotta love that drunk ass bitch Handler. Taylor Swift finally stomped her foot one hissy fit too far with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler. The backlash is on.

  32. Benjamin

    It’s not a bad theory but I think that Taylor Swift is actually a lesbian. Of course that’s not a bad thing at all and honestly who the fuck cares but I just don’t get a heterosexual vibe from her. She doesn’t look like she has ever been fucked really hard by a dude before. And she CLEARLY doesn’t like men. I mean it’s so fucking OBVIOUS at this point that she’s gay.
    And she needs help writing those songs (she has co-writers for most of her songs which is a fact) because she obviously never had those relationships in the first place. Also she’s not very talented but that’s beside the point. She’s a liar. A closeted men hating prude lesbian with a feminist agenda. Her stupid career is one gigantic marketing ploy that portrays men like assholes. Like everyone else’s career in the mainstream “music” scene. One ploy after another to feed rich evil fucks. There is no integrity in the mainstream music world. You would have to be mentally challenged or be a halfwit to believe that.
    The only reason she didn’t come out yet is because she’s a Christian. That and she needs to make more money of course. So she keeps this machine going until she has enough money.
    It’s fucking FASCINATING what they do with these fucked up untalented 15 minute people in the American lamestream celebrity “culture” though.

  33. Blah

    This article is really poorly written. What happened to real journalism?

    • Kurt

      What exactly did you expect? A piece on television talk show hosts that delves into the mechanisms and pure insanity of show business that uses superficially pretty Americans that have bad childhood memories and Napoleon complexes as puppets to hook you on television screens and feed you meaningless entertainment or a poem in the mould of Sappho on passion, love, sexuality, despair and envy between celebrities?

      This is an Internet page where mutants post pictures of overpaid female celebs in bikinis that other mutants like you and me jerk off to.

      It’s called “The Superficial” and not “Profound Thoughts” for a good reason you fucking ape. Real journalism is obviously still alive and well and it’s obviously not happening here.

  34. The age difference between Taylor Swift and Jake / John probably has a lot to do with the relationships not lasting. And HEAVEN FORBID if she was a virgin – anyone who sees that as something to make fun of probably has a lot of guilt associated with their own track record. I don’t think too many virgins look back at a past relationship and say “man, I wish I had slept with that a$$h()e” P.S. Annoying or not, virgin or not, “talented” or not – Taylor Swift IS beautiful!

  35. Marzera

    She’s a virgin? Shocker, her relationships don’t last long.

  36. TS can’t handle that dick. I

  37. Fred Flintsone

    Well of course. That’s why she goes through so many celebrity boyfriends who can just as easily get it from someone else. PS someone give that girl a sandwich.

  38. CLAUDIA

    SHES A PUTA WITH A BIG HAIRY BUSH

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