Chelsea Handler Says Taylor Swift Is A Virgin

In a surprisingly generous move, Jennifer Aniston gave Chelsea Handler a break from calling Angelina Jolie a demon long enough for her to call Taylor Swift a virgin who doesn’t put out and that’s why guys leave her. Future feminists will truly look back on this day and go, “Right here. Right here where’s they almost nailed it. Except, God, that hair.” Via Us Weekly:

“My theory about Taylor Swift is that she’s a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she’s like, ‘I’m not gonna do it.’ And they’re like, ‘Oh, well, forget it. Then I don’t want to date you,'” Handler imagined. “Every guy thinks they’re going to devirginize her, and they’re not. She’s never going to get devirginized, ever, ever, ever, ever.”

What’s incredible is that a woman said this and it actually makes sense because think about it. All of these guys did things that only non-famous dudes have to do to get girls in the sack. Jake Gyllenhaal brought her to Thanksgiving dinner, John Mayer pretended he wasn’t going to bang other women and Harry Styles.. was British? Okay, so those might’ve been bad examples, but the point is they all bolted after a few weeks when the sexy time never happened. And for those of you wondering, when is the right time to have sex with a boy you just started dating? Immediately. Get it over with as quickly possible. He gets the only thing he’s after (sex), and you get the only thing you’re after (an easily manipulated puppet who’ll do anything for just the promise of that sex). In fact, genuinely content yourself with the fact that that’s the most anyone should ever expect out of any relationship and you’ll not only live a happier life, but also save a shit-ton of money by either not having an unnecessary wedding or kids or whatever horseshit romantic comedies made you think you need to be “in love.” Is Taylor Swift writing this all down? Because I could be talking about famous breasts right now.

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