Taylor Swift Is A Time-Traveling Satan Worshipper

May 13th, 2013 // 34 Comments

If the Internet’s primary purpose is porn, it’s secondary purpose is.. well, probably cat photos. But after that it’s finding old pictures of people who look like current celebrities and then accusing them of being vampires. So keeping with that tradition, via Buzzfeed here’s Taylor Swift when she appeared on a 1990 episode of Sally Jessy Raphael as Satanist Zeena LaVey. And while there isn’t any video, just assume “Zeena” talked about her new spell that can make any man fall in love with her forever and how that couldn’t possibly ever backfire.

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, Splash News, WENN


  1. I’ll convert to Satanism if I get to have someone who looks like her.

    • Dude, if you convert to Satanism, you can have all the girls that look like her.

    • tlmck

      You’ll get no competition from me. I prefer my girls un-embalmed.

    • emma watson's Vagina

      you do not need to convert to Satanism to get a girl like that. Satanism is usually divided into non-theistic Satanism and theistic Satanism. LaVey belongs to the former which is basically a hedonistic Humanist religion or even closer to a dark form of Buddhist . pretty much they are for the self and indulgence. if you are a Christian fundie then you might need to convert to something else. it need not be non-theistic Satanism. but that would help.

  2. something something, trouble when she walked in, something something.

    i stole your low hanging fruit.

  3. Ria

    Here’s some footage of her. It’s not SJR, but, you know, whatever.


  4. Sitin

    That explains why she is ” NOT ” a country singer! Merely a young lady making up songs & they don’t fit any music category!

  5. ThisWillHurt

    “Taylor? Yeah, I remember her. The chick worshiped me. No, literally, she WORSHIPED me. But she wouldn’t put out, its was really frustrating. I was like ‘You say you love me, why can’t I have a little?’ And she wouldn’t bend (pun intended), so I kicked her to the curb. Next thing I know, she’s got this song about never ever ever getting back together! What the fuck is that? That shit was between us, and you put it in a song? And what is this ‘never ever ever’ shit? Are you fucking twelve? No adult says ‘never ever ever’ anything! Jesus!”

  6. Click the buzzfeed link and she’s sitting next to Perez Hilton and Jennifer Lawrence.

  7. emma watson's Vagina

    for those looking to convert here is the nine satanic statements

    from The Satanic Bible, ©1969

    by Anton Szandor LaVey

    1. Satan represents indulgence instead of abstinence!

    2. Satan represents vital existence instead of spiritual pipe dreams!

    3. Satan represents undefiled wisdom instead of hypocritical self-deceit!

    4. Satan represents kindness to those who deserve it instead of love wasted on ingrates!

    5. Satan represents vengeance instead of turning the other cheek!

    6. Satan represents responsibility to the responsible instead of concern for psychic vampires!

    7. Satan represents man as just another animal, sometimes better, more often worse than those that walk on all-fours, who, because of his “divine spiritual and intellectual development,” has become the most vicious animal of all!

    8. Satan represents all of the so-called sins, as they all lead to physical, mental, or emotional gratification!

    9. Satan has been the best friend the Church has ever had, as He has kept it in business all these years!

  8. Frank Burns

    As further research, I got Swift’s latest album and played it backwards. Horrible, screechy, anguished sounds of the tormented undead came from the speakers, taunting me to self-immolate my way to damnation. After barely escaping the onslaught, I then realized my CD player doesn’t play songs backwards.

  9. Nooo, Taylor Swift looks like a gelfling

  10. The Master will be pleased.

  11. Tinka

    I laughed at the cat photo comment probably way more than I should have.

  12. Brandosphoto

    um, that’s Zeena Lavey….Anton Lavey’s daughter…..

  13. Taylor Swift The Brit Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Miss La Vey also has a passing resemblance, similar name and shared devilish intentions with Debra LaFave, a school teacher convicted of having sex with one of her students.

  14. The thing is, these women could not be more different. For one, Taylor Swift talks like a 12 year old, and Zeena talks like a hardened empty shell of a woman who has seen people eat babies. They do, however, have one thing in common…

    Everyone knows Taylor Swift is in the illuminati — possibly working as a sex slave — and the illuminati are well-known Satan worshipers.

  15. Satanism is just as valid as Christianity. Both worship imaginary creatures. I’m a unicornist.

  16. lawn

    It should have been obvious. How else would you explain her fame?

  17. Al Michaels

    I’m old, I know, but I remember watching that episode, that’s Anton LaVey’s wife.

  18. Al

    You severely dropped the ball,according to Wiki, Taylor was born in 1989 making her 1 when this 1990 SJR episode aired.

  19. butt

    somebody wrote a track about t swift looking like zeena the satanist: https://soundcloud.com/dennismpls/zeena-lavey-satanist

Leave A Comment