Taylor Swift has a history of writing songs about her exes (See: Mayer, John “Douchecanoe”), but she’s never written an entire concept album about one which is how I chose to read this Us Weekly article about Jake Gyllenhaal who dumped her for being “too young.” Haha! Gays. You say the darndest things.
“She’s haunted by that relationship,” a source tells Us, adding that Gyllenhaal, 31, “totally screwed with her mind.”
And, naturally, the unlucky-in-love singer (who has penned angry, sad songs about exes Joe Jonas, John Mayer and others) has indeed devoted anguished tunes about the Source Code hunk on her upcoming new album.
Thanks to promising Taylor we’d make a bunch of questionably homophobic gay jokes about Jake Gyllenhaal – She also wanted us to say he rapes children in a Penn State shower room which we, surprisingly, weren’t cool with. Beats us. – The Superficial has obtained the full track listing for her upcoming album, “I Wanted To Marry You, But All You Wanted Was Man-Pussy.”
1. Intro (Jake’s Man-Love Melody)
2. When You Talk To A Girl, Have The Heart To Touch Her Vagina
3. The Valet Mistook Your Dick For The Gear Shift, Huh?
4. Boys Don’t Cry After Sex Yet Your Tears Filled My Pillow. (For Real, You Flooded Them.)
5. Man-Pussy Breakdown
6. Domo Arigato, Mr. Gay-Boto
7. So We’re Just Going To Eat Ice Cream This Whole Relationship?
8. And Never Return My Calls
9. And Tell Us Weekly We Broke Up, Real Fucking Cute
10. Oh, You Want To Give It One More Shot? SQUEEEE!!
11. Tears Again
12. Outro (Guess Who’s Making Me Double-Platinum, Homo in B Flat)
Bonus Track: Hey, John Mayer, Your Son Says “Hi”
Photos: Bauer-Griffin, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN
Richard | January 27, 2012 at 10:41 am
First
LDiggitty | January 27, 2012 at 10:42 am
Don’t forget “Midnight Stalking (your window is as cold as your heart)”.
Renata Lagomarsino Martinez | January 27, 2012 at 10:51 am
she’s amazing and you all are stupid a$$holes
Iveski | January 27, 2012 at 9:38 pm
I’ll disagree with you on two points… she’s not amazing, and I’m not stupid.
Mr Gay Boto | January 28, 2012 at 9:20 pm
But you do admit to being an asshole?
Nathiest | January 27, 2012 at 11:09 am
It’s about SELENA GOMEZ!!! You naive fools!
Johnny P! | January 27, 2012 at 11:11 am
I’m glad her label convinced her to drop the track: “Why Do Your Farts Smell Like Boners?” to avoid those contentious Parental Advisory stickers on her CDs. It’s just not her image.
Uncle Phil | January 27, 2012 at 11:14 am
So, she wrote a bunch a crappy break-up songs about a guy she was dating for a month. Nope, can’t imagine why Jake would want to walk away from that kind of immature crazy.
BE | January 30, 2012 at 11:42 am
That what makes her an “artiste” – she must spread her pain out for all of us to hear…
Komodo | January 27, 2012 at 11:20 am
REFUCKINGDUNDANT. She needs to put on some fucking big girl pants and find something else to sing about for once. Good grief.
Brooke | January 27, 2012 at 10:37 pm
Nooo kidding! I have never heard a song from beginning to end by this girl, but it seems all she ever does is bitch and groan about how guys don’t stick around. She often dates older guys known to be playboys and can’t understand why she isn’t that special good girl who makes bad boys have a change of heart. If you date older bad boys, expect to be tossed to the curb… Or better yet, move on before they catch you off-guard. Most of my relationships with these kinds of guys lasted a week or two, which is ENOUGH. Get your kicks and get out.
Eric | January 27, 2012 at 11:24 am
Didn’t Superglue re-write their warning label to include “DO NOT PUT PRODUCT ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND’S JUNK” with her in mind?
Dick | January 27, 2012 at 12:34 pm
FTFY: DO NOT PUT JUNK NEAR BOYFRIEND’S ASSHOLE
cc | January 27, 2012 at 11:30 am
I wouldn’t mind finding someone this super-needy once in a while. She’d be so malleable there’s probably almost nothing you couldn’t convince her to do sexually.
JC | January 27, 2012 at 11:56 am
Hell, I’d marry her. That way, after I’d sexually debased her in every way I could think of, I could divorce her and take half of her money.
Randal(l) | January 27, 2012 at 12:44 pm
Use urban dictionary as your calendar. Donkey Punch Wednesdays has a good ring to it.
Dee | January 30, 2012 at 1:20 pm
Then funny part is if any of youd actually found a girl that committed to you, you’d fall in love and would never take advantage of her. Lol you WISH a girl would do that.
cc | January 27, 2012 at 3:01 pm
Randal(l), I was thinking of ‘You Knead Cookie Dough While I Knead Your Ass’ weekends.
whim | January 27, 2012 at 11:40 am
mark these words: SHE NEVER HAD MORE SUCCESS, folks!!
CranAppleSnapple | January 29, 2012 at 5:08 pm
No one here understands you, Forrest. How you talk, why you talk, whether or not you are a robot. But it’s AWFUL.
Mandy | January 27, 2012 at 12:14 pm
I was amazed to find out she is in her 20′s.
I’m not trying to be a bitch. She seems like a nice girl and all. I’ve seen her interviews, she sounds sweet. But listening to her albums is like listening to a song version of a 12 year old’s diary. At first I thought maybe the song’s were written for her and she just sings them – but she writes all of them too.
I don’t know, maybe I’m too ‘mature” for my age (23), but I just find that odd for a 20-year old.
Dan | January 27, 2012 at 12:46 pm
Mandy,
She sounds like all the 20 something women I know… they all seem to love to have constant crisis, but maybe I just don’t know any mature 20 year olds.
Actually it makes it hard to find someone to date who isn’t crazy.
Mandy | January 27, 2012 at 5:10 pm
I think the chicks you know are just crazy. I’ve never heard a 20 year old complain this much about a 2 month relationship.
BE | January 30, 2012 at 11:52 am
Women and men are different.
Alas, everything out there is delusionally saying that they are the same. Look at all the crazy trash that’s presented as role models. Seriously, Kris Jenner should be slapped for presenting herself as any kind of mother other than the one that goes with f****r!
The “crazy” factor starts because young women try and behave like men. The very few older women that would set themselves up for that kind of beating are generally in deep analysis. They lose it because they start to feel like an overused Kleenex.
‘Times may have changed, but people haven’t.
BE | January 30, 2012 at 12:12 pm
Maybe you’re “looking” in the wrong places. Avoid the ones who think “Sex and the City” is a “how to” manual. Then try volunteering for some sort of charity that you’re interested in and see who you find there.
Women who have it together are often involved in things other than cocktails, getting laid and just hanging out.
(Note that the infamous tramps such as KK and Hilton ONLY show up for such things because there’s a photo op)
cc | January 27, 2012 at 1:35 pm
She’s like the country version of Avril…every could be called some variation of ‘I am pissed at my boyfriend’.
Clarence Beeks | January 27, 2012 at 12:26 pm
She should stop trying to turn gay men straight. Then maybe she won’t be disappointed.
Randal(l) | January 27, 2012 at 12:42 pm
you forgot the secret unlisted track “Cumfarts”
I like how she jumps from cock to cock and is still able to pull off being the innocent girl who was so hurt however many years ago that she was pegging whats his name. all of us secret tramps around the world salute you.
Susan | January 27, 2012 at 8:37 pm
Thank you Paris Hilton!
Burger King Bathroom | January 27, 2012 at 12:48 pm
I think she just saw Say Anything for the first time.
That’ll never be me, that’ll never be me. That’ll never be, never be me. NO… NO, NEVER, NEVER, EVER. And don’t you EVER THINK IT.
Cristina | January 27, 2012 at 12:50 pm
Jake is gay, no? What a PR planned mess this will be. If you believe for a second they had a real relationship…take a fork and stick it in your eye
Donald Trump | January 27, 2012 at 12:52 pm
If she would stop falling in love with gay men – she might do much better.
Juaquin ingles | January 27, 2012 at 1:10 pm
Great, it’s Rat Girl again. I wish she’d just retire off her News of the Weird royalties and gtfo.
Savalas | January 27, 2012 at 1:20 pm
Track 18: A hummed rendition of the shower theme from “Psycho”
Taylor's Uterus | January 27, 2012 at 1:24 pm
If she would just let me rim her ass…all would be right with the world.
Fletch | January 27, 2012 at 1:37 pm
No wonder she can’t keep a fucking relationship; bitch is mentally 10 years old.
Urbanspaceman | January 27, 2012 at 2:02 pm
Great song titles! Has she learned to sing yet?
Crammit | January 27, 2012 at 2:06 pm
The title for this post should be “Taylor Swift has too much fucking time on her hands”
hate myself and want to die | January 27, 2012 at 3:04 pm
a douche-canoe is far different than a douche-cano
Dreg | January 27, 2012 at 3:26 pm
Maybe she can just get into a relationship with Jennifer Love Hewitt, and we can kill two birds with one stone.
The Royal Penis | January 27, 2012 at 3:58 pm
Girls, take notice. When your “man” wants you to do anal you either get with the program or hit the door.
tiredbaby boomer | January 27, 2012 at 4:11 pm
Maybe she will reconsider and throw this mess in the trash…where it most probably belongs.
Dawmiien | January 27, 2012 at 4:21 pm
I find her super hot and she won’t write an album about you if you don’t break up with her. So don’t date her unless you’re hearing wedding bells. Mess around and have 14 year old girls singing about your scumbag ass; you’ll never be able to go to the mall again.
dontkillthemessenger | January 27, 2012 at 4:57 pm
She’s really annoying. I think I’m on Kanye’s side now.
Bonky | January 27, 2012 at 6:28 pm
Oh, come on. Who was the beard in that “relationship” ?
Mama Pinkus | January 27, 2012 at 7:15 pm
This gal is super-creepy
Susan | January 27, 2012 at 8:33 pm
Too pretty, too cute, too hot, too blond, and, yes, too talented. Be this a warning to all of you mean men out there, she has an evil streak, so don’t be dumping anything on the Queen of Country Rock n’ Roll. This beautiful young woman gives back 10 fold what you guys dish out, and you’ll never hear the end of it, 24/7 on all the cool country music stations. How I wish I could do that, too.
Iveski | January 27, 2012 at 9:44 pm
Whoa, whoa, whoa… he “…totally screwed with her mind”? Stop making Jake Gyllenhaal sound like some kind of Svengali.
enoughalready | January 27, 2012 at 10:48 pm
maybe someday she’ll get some real-life experience and stfu about her whiny crush breakups. is she still fourteen?
Joe | January 28, 2012 at 6:33 am
Jake was scared of her. She is obviously so much bigger star than he is. Plus she is a powerful business woman. Could be very intimidating. Probably too much for jakey-poo to handle. Did he not complain that paparazzi was too much?
artemis | January 29, 2012 at 9:33 am
Taylor is a bigger star? Jake was nominated for an Oscar and has 25 films on his CV. He has opened movies on his own. I doubt he was intimidated, but I agree that Swifty calling the paps for attention whoring opportunities all the time was probably too much for him.
Mike | January 28, 2012 at 9:59 am
The only reason this thing is famous is because of all of the “bearding” duties she’s done. Joe Jonas, That kid from those vampire movies, and Jakey Gayenhall. She dated these guys in order to gain favor with studios and record companies. The bitchy lyrics are only icing on the cake because they make these queens sound like womanizers, which women secretly love. It’s a win-win.
Sam | January 28, 2012 at 8:06 pm
Does anyone else find her incredibly boring? I don’t care about her music…but man she looks sooooo boring in every photo she’s in. Zero personality and unmemorable sense of fashion. Like you’d fall asleep talking to her. At least she’s pretty I guess.
Dee | January 30, 2012 at 1:25 pm
Okay she needs to just get the fuck over all of it already. Whiny bitch,
Kadie | January 30, 2012 at 10:39 pm
She just needs to stfu. Why do people even like her? Her songs are all the same fairytale princess sh*t and she really isnt all that attractive. She’s kind of weird looking in a way.
Ava | January 31, 2012 at 12:46 am
I personally like Taylor Swift because her music is about her personal issues. It doesn’t necessarily have to agree with everyone’s life but she makes it her own. You don’t like her and her music? It’s okay. I’m sure not everyone likes your favourite artist too and that’s okay, right? So what if she writes about a relationship that lasted for only a few months? Some people fall in love in a short time. Some people don’t. Some people get their head screwed up by a short fling and some don’t. She’s not the only singer out there so calm down and stop the hate. Listen to others instead and read the news about them. No need to waste your time hating, Okay? Okay.