Taylor Swift has a history of writing songs about her exes (See: Mayer, John “Douchecanoe”), but she’s never written an entire concept album about one which is how I chose to read this Us Weekly article about Jake Gyllenhaal who dumped her for being “too young.” Haha! Gays. You say the darndest things.
“She’s haunted by that relationship,” a source tells Us, adding that Gyllenhaal, 31, “totally screwed with her mind.”
And, naturally, the unlucky-in-love singer (who has penned angry, sad songs about exes Joe Jonas, John Mayer and others) has indeed devoted anguished tunes about the Source Code hunk on her upcoming new album.
Thanks to promising Taylor we’d make a bunch of questionably homophobic gay jokes about Jake Gyllenhaal – She also wanted us to say he rapes children in a Penn State shower room which we, surprisingly, weren’t cool with. Beats us. – The Superficial has obtained the full track listing for her upcoming album, “I Wanted To Marry You, But All You Wanted Was Man-Pussy.”
1. Intro (Jake’s Man-Love Melody)
2. When You Talk To A Girl, Have The Heart To Touch Her Vagina
3. The Valet Mistook Your Dick For The Gear Shift, Huh?
4. Boys Don’t Cry After Sex Yet Your Tears Filled My Pillow. (For Real, You Flooded Them.)
5. Man-Pussy Breakdown
6. Domo Arigato, Mr. Gay-Boto
7. So We’re Just Going To Eat Ice Cream This Whole Relationship?
8. And Never Return My Calls
9. And Tell Us Weekly We Broke Up, Real Fucking Cute
10. Oh, You Want To Give It One More Shot? SQUEEEE!!
11. Tears Again
12. Outro (Guess Who’s Making Me Double-Platinum, Homo in B Flat)
Bonus Track: Hey, John Mayer, Your Son Says “Hi”