Taylor Swift Wrote An Entire Album About Jake Gyllenhaal

January 27th, 2012 // 62 Comments
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Taylor Swift has a history of writing songs about her exes (See: Mayer, John “Douchecanoe”), but she’s never written an entire concept album about one which is how I chose to read this Us Weekly article about Jake Gyllenhaal who dumped her for being “too young.” Haha! Gays. You say the darndest things.

“She’s haunted by that relationship,” a source tells Us, adding that Gyllenhaal, 31, “totally screwed with her mind.”
And, naturally, the unlucky-in-love singer (who has penned angry, sad songs about exes Joe Jonas, John Mayer and others) has indeed devoted anguished tunes about the Source Code hunk on her upcoming new album.

Thanks to promising Taylor we’d make a bunch of questionably homophobic gay jokes about Jake Gyllenhaal – She also wanted us to say he rapes children in a Penn State shower room which we, surprisingly, weren’t cool with. Beats us. – The Superficial has obtained the full track listing for her upcoming album, “I Wanted To Marry You, But All You Wanted Was Man-Pussy.”

1. Intro (Jake’s Man-Love Melody)
2. When You Talk To A Girl, Have The Heart To Touch Her Vagina
3. The Valet Mistook Your Dick For The Gear Shift, Huh?
4. Boys Don’t Cry After Sex Yet Your Tears Filled My Pillow. (For Real, You Flooded Them.)
5. Man-Pussy Breakdown
6. Domo Arigato, Mr. Gay-Boto
7. So We’re Just Going To Eat Ice Cream This Whole Relationship?
8. And Never Return My Calls
9. And Tell Us Weekly We Broke Up, Real Fucking Cute
10. Oh, You Want To Give It One More Shot? SQUEEEE!!
11. Tears Again
12. Outro (Guess Who’s Making Me Double-Platinum, Homo in B Flat)

Bonus Track: Hey, John Mayer, Your Son Says “Hi”

Photos: Bauer-Griffin, Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN

superficial

  1. Richard

    First

  2. Don’t forget “Midnight Stalking (your window is as cold as your heart)”.

  3. she’s amazing and you all are stupid a$$holes

  4. Nathiest

    It’s about SELENA GOMEZ!!! You naive fools!

  5. Johnny P!

    I’m glad her label convinced her to drop the track: “Why Do Your Farts Smell Like Boners?” to avoid those contentious Parental Advisory stickers on her CDs. It’s just not her image.

  6. So, she wrote a bunch a crappy break-up songs about a guy she was dating for a month. Nope, can’t imagine why Jake would want to walk away from that kind of immature crazy.

    • BE

      That what makes her an “artiste” – she must spread her pain out for all of us to hear…

    • Kallum

      Taylor being “too young” is guy code for “won’t give it up” in which case why stay if there’s no chance of real intimacy. Or she gives it up soo sweet and is so quick to allow guys like Jake and John, Wolfboy, etc. to go balls deep that they just hit it and quit it. Which do you think is more plausible? Anyone? Anyone?

      • brainlessfanzugh

        but how do u really know ? maybe she already did give up this gurl sings all about her exes nothing more or less and the titles of the songs are just crappy if u tell me and wich parent in their damn mind what their kid listin to a song with vag.ina in it ? this girl is kinda sad but back at your :code: how do u know again lol dont speak for her if u dont really know her britney said she was a virg1n and was she was nope so stop talking for celebs that can talk for her self shes making music boutg her pain and what not a girl is only mad after giving up her goodies to some1 she really loves why dislike a ex if u never did something intimate with him anyway? so yea she gave it away i think some exes ago.. and jake was right she is too young because only real woman will act mature about it that is something taylor isnt doing(dot)

  7. REFUCKINGDUNDANT. She needs to put on some fucking big girl pants and find something else to sing about for once. Good grief.

    • Brooke

      Nooo kidding! I have never heard a song from beginning to end by this girl, but it seems all she ever does is bitch and groan about how guys don’t stick around. She often dates older guys known to be playboys and can’t understand why she isn’t that special good girl who makes bad boys have a change of heart. If you date older bad boys, expect to be tossed to the curb… Or better yet, move on before they catch you off-guard. Most of my relationships with these kinds of guys lasted a week or two, which is ENOUGH. Get your kicks and get out.

  8. Didn’t Superglue re-write their warning label to include “DO NOT PUT PRODUCT ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND’S JUNK” with her in mind?

  9. cc

    I wouldn’t mind finding someone this super-needy once in a while. She’d be so malleable there’s probably almost nothing you couldn’t convince her to do sexually.

    • JC

      Hell, I’d marry her. That way, after I’d sexually debased her in every way I could think of, I could divorce her and take half of her money.

      • Randal(l)

        Use urban dictionary as your calendar. Donkey Punch Wednesdays has a good ring to it.

      • Dee

        Then funny part is if any of youd actually found a girl that committed to you, you’d fall in love and would never take advantage of her. Lol you WISH a girl would do that.

    • cc

      Randal(l), I was thinking of ‘You Knead Cookie Dough While I Knead Your Ass’ weekends.

  10. whim

    mark these words: SHE NEVER HAD MORE SUCCESS, folks!!

    • CranAppleSnapple

      No one here understands you, Forrest. How you talk, why you talk, whether or not you are a robot. But it’s AWFUL.

  11. Taylor Swift Billboard Women in Music Event
    Commented on this photo:

    That’s a good picture of her. Would it be weird if I printed it out and put my picture over the black guy’s picture and pretended I was looking at her ass?

  12. Mandy

    I was amazed to find out she is in her 20′s.

    I’m not trying to be a bitch. She seems like a nice girl and all. I’ve seen her interviews, she sounds sweet. But listening to her albums is like listening to a song version of a 12 year old’s diary. At first I thought maybe the song’s were written for her and she just sings them – but she writes all of them too.
    I don’t know, maybe I’m too ‘mature” for my age (23), but I just find that odd for a 20-year old.

    • Dan

      Mandy,

      She sounds like all the 20 something women I know… they all seem to love to have constant crisis, but maybe I just don’t know any mature 20 year olds.

      Actually it makes it hard to find someone to date who isn’t crazy.

      • Mandy

        I think the chicks you know are just crazy. I’ve never heard a 20 year old complain this much about a 2 month relationship.

      • BE

        Women and men are different.

        Alas, everything out there is delusionally saying that they are the same. Look at all the crazy trash that’s presented as role models. Seriously, Kris Jenner should be slapped for presenting herself as any kind of mother other than the one that goes with f****r!

        The “crazy” factor starts because young women try and behave like men. The very few older women that would set themselves up for that kind of beating are generally in deep analysis. They lose it because they start to feel like an overused Kleenex.

        ‘Times may have changed, but people haven’t.

      • BE

        Maybe you’re “looking” in the wrong places. Avoid the ones who think “Sex and the City” is a “how to” manual. Then try volunteering for some sort of charity that you’re interested in and see who you find there.

        Women who have it together are often involved in things other than cocktails, getting laid and just hanging out.
        (Note that the infamous tramps such as KK and Hilton ONLY show up for such things because there’s a photo op)

    • cc

      She’s like the country version of Avril…every could be called some variation of ‘I am pissed at my boyfriend’.

  13. Clarence Beeks

    She should stop trying to turn gay men straight. Then maybe she won’t be disappointed.

  14. Randal(l)

    you forgot the secret unlisted track “Cumfarts”

    I like how she jumps from cock to cock and is still able to pull off being the innocent girl who was so hurt however many years ago that she was pegging whats his name. all of us secret tramps around the world salute you.

  15. Burger King Bathroom

    I think she just saw Say Anything for the first time.

    That’ll never be me, that’ll never be me. That’ll never be, never be me. NO… NO, NEVER, NEVER, EVER. And don’t you EVER THINK IT.

  16. Cristina

    Jake is gay, no? What a PR planned mess this will be. If you believe for a second they had a real relationship…take a fork and stick it in your eye

  17. Donald Trump

    If she would stop falling in love with gay men – she might do much better.

  18. Juaquin ingles

    Great, it’s Rat Girl again. I wish she’d just retire off her News of the Weird royalties and gtfo.

  19. Savalas

    Track 18: A hummed rendition of the shower theme from “Psycho”

  20. Taylor's Uterus

    If she would just let me rim her ass…all would be right with the world.

  21. No wonder she can’t keep a fucking relationship; bitch is mentally 10 years old.

  22. Urbanspaceman

    Great song titles! Has she learned to sing yet?

  23. Crammit

    The title for this post should be “Taylor Swift has too much fucking time on her hands”

  24. hate myself and want to die

    a douche-canoe is far different than a douche-cano

  25. Maybe she can just get into a relationship with Jennifer Love Hewitt, and we can kill two birds with one stone.

  26. The Royal Penis

    Girls, take notice. When your “man” wants you to do anal you either get with the program or hit the door.

  27. tiredbaby boomer

    Maybe she will reconsider and throw this mess in the trash…where it most probably belongs.

  28. I find her super hot and she won’t write an album about you if you don’t break up with her. So don’t date her unless you’re hearing wedding bells. Mess around and have 14 year old girls singing about your scumbag ass; you’ll never be able to go to the mall again.

  29. dontkillthemessenger

    She’s really annoying. I think I’m on Kanye’s side now.

  30. Bonky

    Oh, come on. Who was the beard in that “relationship” ?

  31. Mama Pinkus

    This gal is super-creepy

  32. Susan

    Too pretty, too cute, too hot, too blond, and, yes, too talented. Be this a warning to all of you mean men out there, she has an evil streak, so don’t be dumping anything on the Queen of Country Rock n’ Roll. This beautiful young woman gives back 10 fold what you guys dish out, and you’ll never hear the end of it, 24/7 on all the cool country music stations. How I wish I could do that, too.

  33. Whoa, whoa, whoa… he “…totally screwed with her mind”? Stop making Jake Gyllenhaal sound like some kind of Svengali.

  34. enoughalready

    maybe someday she’ll get some real-life experience and stfu about her whiny crush breakups. is she still fourteen?

  35. Joe

    Jake was scared of her. She is obviously so much bigger star than he is. Plus she is a powerful business woman. Could be very intimidating. Probably too much for jakey-poo to handle. Did he not complain that paparazzi was too much?

    • artemis

      Taylor is a bigger star? Jake was nominated for an Oscar and has 25 films on his CV. He has opened movies on his own. I doubt he was intimidated, but I agree that Swifty calling the paps for attention whoring opportunities all the time was probably too much for him.

  36. Mike

    The only reason this thing is famous is because of all of the “bearding” duties she’s done. Joe Jonas, That kid from those vampire movies, and Jakey Gayenhall. She dated these guys in order to gain favor with studios and record companies. The bitchy lyrics are only icing on the cake because they make these queens sound like womanizers, which women secretly love. It’s a win-win.

  37. Sam

    Does anyone else find her incredibly boring? I don’t care about her music…but man she looks sooooo boring in every photo she’s in. Zero personality and unmemorable sense of fashion. Like you’d fall asleep talking to her. At least she’s pretty I guess.

  38. Dee

    Okay she needs to just get the fuck over all of it already. Whiny bitch,

  39. Kadie

    She just needs to stfu. Why do people even like her? Her songs are all the same fairytale princess sh*t and she really isnt all that attractive. She’s kind of weird looking in a way.

  40. Ava

    I personally like Taylor Swift because her music is about her personal issues. It doesn’t necessarily have to agree with everyone’s life but she makes it her own. You don’t like her and her music? It’s okay. I’m sure not everyone likes your favourite artist too and that’s okay, right? So what if she writes about a relationship that lasted for only a few months? Some people fall in love in a short time. Some people don’t. Some people get their head screwed up by a short fling and some don’t. She’s not the only singer out there so calm down and stop the hate. Listen to others instead and read the news about them. No need to waste your time hating, Okay? Okay.

  41. Taylor Swift Billboard Women in Music Event
    steve chavez
    Commented on this photo:

    this bitch gets uglier everyday damn

  42. I Know, right? How stupid! A kid who actually writes her own songs and plays her own music and has the guts to express her feelings! The nerve! Because when you were all her age and had your heart broken…you got over it in ten minutes and wrote novels and pissed rainbows.

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