Please Stop Looking Hot, Taylor Swift, You’re A Terrible Person And A Cancer

Taylor Swift is a petty and vindictive 23-year-old who young girls look up to as a role model, so naturally she teaches them to over-dramatize every interaction with men and stew in a jealous broth of hate for each and every break-up so they constantly act hysterically, if not bitchily at minimum. And yet her body is amazing and I just want to have lots and lots of sex with it until I’ve ignored her personality disorder for so long it’s now become a ticking time-bomb of emotion that will probably get a bunch of my shit broken, so clearly I have to vanish without a trace. Does that make a bad person? Because, in my defense, mysteries are romantic. “Oh, where could my boyfriend be? Time to sleuth!” I’m always hearing women say.

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