Katy Perry’s Boyfriend Wants To Crowdfund A Booty Onto Taylor Swift

Despite promising myself an ass hiatus after yesterday’s 2014 Buttella Festival, I still have precious SEO to milk into my mouth, so here’s Katy Perry’s boyfriend publicly insulting the spot where Taylor Swift’s butt should be:

As for why Diplo would do something like this, Katy Perry has big breasts and hates Taylor Swift, so it’s a miracle he didn’t murder her like a good boyfriend would’ve by now. (Call me.) In the meantime, Lorde has apparently come to Taylor’s defense with a comeback the Internet can’t trip over itself fast enough to praise:

Two things: 1. HOLY SHIT SIZE MATTERS?! *shoves everything off of desk, lays on it, breathes into paper bag* 2. That was it? She called his penis small? Lorde’s an (allegedly) 18-year-old award-winning, singer-songwriter, yet you’re all going to pat her on the back for an unoriginal comeback I could’ve – and have – said in my sleep? C’mon, Internet, you really need to start respecting yourself. This is just getting ridiculous now, and that’s coming from a guy who spent 24 hours shamelessly riding Kim Kardashian’s ass traffic. And is still doing it right now. Haha! Kill me.

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Photos: Getty, MPNC/AKM-GSI, Splash News