Tara Reid was almost married last year, but that guy eventually sobered up long enough to realize he hadn’t proposed to a pile of Silly Putty like he always dreamed of and swiftly corrected course. Enter Danish businessman Michael Lilleund who I’m just going to assume lost all five senses in a horrible coke-snorting accident. Us Magazine reports:
Hours after becoming engaged to Danish businessman Michael Lilleund, the 35-year-old tied the knot in Greece Saturday.
“I just got engaged!” she tweeted. Just hours later, she informed her followers that she wasted no time walking down the aisle. “Just got married in Greece. I love being a wife.”
While I’ve always suspected half of Denmark’s population is secretly filled with cheese and the other with apricot causing heated conflicts and civil unrest, when I see the words “Danish businessman,” I tend to imagine someone with at least enough money to afford a wife whose vagina isn’t a piece of chewed up gum stapled to a Whoopee cushion. Then again, I’ve always been a bit of a racist that way.
MICHAEL: So, darling, how do we, uh, how do we have sex?
TARA: Hold on, I’m still filling this oven mitt full with lube. Can you pull my old vagina off? But not the duct tape! Sorry, should’ve been more specific. Gonna need it to slap this bad boy on- oh, fuck, the thumb’s leaking. Quick, I’ll just hold it! I love you!
(Exactly how that works.)
UPDATE: So apparently Tara didn’t marry this guy, but for the record, all that eerily accurate sex stuff still happened.
Photos: Getty, WENN