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Jessica Simpson’s Breasts Won The White House Correspondents’ Dinner

In honor of Bill Clinton, we’re going to get in and out of the White House Correspondents’ Dinner as soon as I figure out where its vagina is so I can stash this cigar. (Also, Barack Obama didn’t make with the weekly handjobs so I’d denounce Jesus Christ as my personal lord and savior. That’s… More »

Jessica Simpson Isn’t Even Hiding It (UPDATE: And Now We Know Why)

Here’s Jessica Simpson in New York this morning – still wearing the same top and pants from the weekend (Net worth: $1 billion) – where she’s entirely given up trying to hide her stomach that experts now say is six months pregnant. Of course, she’s probably only three-to-four, but this wouldn’t be a Jessica Simpson… More »

I Wonder How Jessica Simpson Will React to Tony Romo’s Wedding…

The Timeline:

May 28, 2011Tony Romo marries Candice Crawford in Dallas, TX. Three-tier cupcake stands are involved.
May 29, 2011People magazine announces the wedding.
May 31, 2011Jessica Simpson turns up at Chili’s.

Jesus, it’s like clockwork. If I were Swiss, I’d have a… More »

Tony Romo Got Engaged

“Take me to butter. And step on it.”

While news of an engagement was falsely reported a year ago in what I can only assume was an effort to inflate Rocky Road futures, Tony Romo officially proposed to his girlfriend Candice Crawford yesterday, according to Us Magazine:

Dating since September 2009,… More »

So That’s Why Tony Romo’s So Brittle…

I’m from Texas, I like everything fried, which is the really unfortunate thing. My relationship with food? I want it when I’m sad. When I’m happy, I don’t think much about it. But I do like to go out on a date for a good dining experience. It’s important not to say, ‘I can’t have… More »

Tiger Woods f-cked Jessica Simpson

Because Star Magazine remembered there’s a picture of Tiger Woods and Jessica Simpson together, here’s a story about them having sex behind Tony Romo’s back:

Just days before Jessica’s split with Tony Romo, she had a sizzling meeting with the fallen golf star at the AT&T National Pro-Am golf tournament in Bethesda, Md.
More »

Jessica Simpson is going to eat the world

So remember last year when Jessica Simpson blew up over the holidays leading the whole world to believe she ate Santa Clause? Imagine that same scenario but adding Tony Romo getting engaged to Candice Crawford. Yeah…

I’ll be forging documents naming me the rightful owner of Ben & Jerry’s if anyone needs… More »

Jessica Simpson’s weight mocked by FOX NFL

Burger King and FOX essentially teamed up to harpoon, I mean lampoon, Jessica Simpson’s weight in a skit that ran on this past weekend’s FOX NFL Sunday. You can scope out the video after the jump then decide what you hate more: Horribly written fat jokes or people who blatantly videotape their TV screens… More »

Tony Romo finds replacement for Jessica Simpson

Tony Romo is dating 22-year-old Miss Missouri 2008 Candice Crawford who also happens to be the sister of Gossip Girl star Chace Crawford. So you know he’s not going to do anything about it except aloofly look into the camera. Us Magazine reports:

“She’s not happy that it’s out [in the media], but… More »

Jennifer Aniston’s headlights are on and other news

- Jon & Kate Plus 8 is still beloved by TLC. Then again, who doesn’t love exploitation dollars? That shit’s the best. [Just Jared]

- Tony Romo was “emotionally cheating” for months. Really? We’re going to use complex terms for a situation involving Jessica Simpson? Why not? [Celebslam]

- Rachelle Lefevre gets… More »

Jessica Simpson’s Diet of Vengeance

Since getting curbed by Tony Romo on her 29th birthday, Jessica Simpson has decided to seek revenge by getting her ass back in shape because apparently it was Tony who kept shoving her full of Ben & Jerry’s. Yeah, TonyOK! Magazine reports:

“Right after Tony ended things, Jessica said, ‘I want my… More »

Jessica Simpson banned from Tony Romo’s house

Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo won’t be friends anytime soon. She’s currently persona non grata at his home in Dallas, according to Us Weekly:

The Dallas Cowboys quarterback instructed security to keep Simpson out of his gated community.
A sign at the entrance reads: “RED ALERT!!! TONY ROMO HAS MADE SOME CHANGES TO… More »

Jessica Simpson’s family wishes she was more like Ashlee

Now she’s working out. Seen here leaving her trainer’s house on Monday, Jessica Simpson’s family is concerned for her emotional well-being after her recent break-up with Tony Romo, according to People:

So far, Simpson has been coping with the split by living a low-key life and seeking solace with her parents, who “encourage… More »

Jessica Simpson is ‘sad and confused’

Apparently Jessica Simpson’s break up with Tony Romo came out of nowhere and she had no clue anything was wrong, according to People:

“Jessica was really blindsided,” says a Simpson family friend. “She’s sad, mad, and confused. Her emotions are all over the place.”
“Dating her comes along with her celebrity and… More »

Jessica Simpson’s dad ruined her relationship with Tony Romo. Again.

First it was reports that John Mayer was still texting Jessica Simpson, now it seems Papa Joe was annoying the shit out of Tony Romo again causing him to bolt, according to FOX News:

Another inside source said that Jessica’s manager/father Joe Simpson’s meddling ways most likely took its toll on the relationship,… More »

Channing Tatum in GQ and other news

- Tony Romo ditched Jessica Simpson because John Mayer was still texting her. Unless John Mayer was slicing off Tony’s hands before they touched Jessica breasts, he might have overreacted a bit. [Lainey Gossip]

- Megan Fox is pursuing Rain while using Brian Austin Green’s penis as a safety net which, let’s be… More »

Jessica Simpson is single

Jessica Simpson and longtime boyfriend Tony Romo called it quits on Thursday, the day before Jessica’s 29th birthday, according to People:

“She is heartbroken,” says the source. “She loves Tony. But it’s been difficult lately. He’s busy with his career and she’s getting ready to shoot her show (The Price of Beauty). They… More »

Jessica Simpson isn’t entirely frightening me anymore

- Jessica Simpson has not eaten Tony Romo yet. Just keeping everybody updated. [Lainey Gossip]

- Emilie de Ravin (LOST) is divorcing her husband just in time to star in a movie with Robert Pattinson. Hopefully they remember not to get pregnant on the island. [Just Jared]

- Paris Hilton’s first BFF… More »

Rihanna can’t quit Chris Brown

- Rihanna still texting Chris Brown. Jesus. Now I want to punch her. But I won’t because I’m a gentleman – which is why I hired a hooker to do it. Go get her, Boots! [Celebslam]

- Robert Downey, Jr. attends premiere of The Soloist with Jamie Foxx. Oh, so that’s why he said… More »

Jessica Simpson goes out to eat with daddy

- Jessica Simpson had a nice family evening with Papa Joe, Tony Romo and Ashlee. And by nice I mean her breasts only got touched twice by Joe, and the first time he honestly thought they were dinner rolls. No foolin’. [Lainey Gossip]

- Scarlett Johannson encourages women to eat just like her which… More »

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