TomKat Divorce

Tom Cruise Never Said He Was Surprised By Divorce, Tom Cruise Knows Everything

Earlier in the week, Tom Cruise was quoted as saying he was surprised by his divorce from Katie Holmes and that sometimes “life is a challenge” and you need to have a “sense of humor.” Which sound like safe, bland quotes about a not-too-recent divorce until you realize you’re dealing with a man whose religion…

The Superficial | April 11, 2013 - 10:39 am

Paul Haggis Confirms Scientology Was ‘Auditioning’ Girlfriends For Tom Cruise

“Before you send the first one over, does this angle make me look like I love vagina? Because I do, I love it. Even the tentacles.”

If you had nothing better to do this weekend, you probably caught the Vanity Fair piece touting their upcoming expose into the Church of Scientology’s failed attempts…

The Superficial | September 4, 2012 - 11:36 am

Katie Holmes Has No Idea What To Do With Herself

With Tom Cruise whisking Suri Cruise off to Disney World so he can secretly set her to ‘Matricide’ inside Space Mountain and his team of bodyguards no longer surrounding Katie Holmes so she doesn’t speak, think or come in contact with Thetan-contaminated surfaces, here she is yesterday with a shitload of free time on our…

The Superficial | August 1, 2012 - 2:28 pm

Katie Holmes Gave Interview One Day Before Filing For Divorce From Tom Cruise

Everyone’s freaking out today over Katie Holmes giving an interview with C Magazine the day before she filed for divorce from Tom Cruise even though she really doesn’t say anything revelatory outside of refusing to mention his name and chalking up having a kid with the largest movie star on the planet as “Eh.” Via…

The Superficial | July 24, 2012 - 1:05 pm

Tom Cruise Sped Through New York To Get Suri To A Helicopter? Oh… Oh, Shit

“They told me I have to thank you in advance for lifting the chopper in the air with your mind or I don’t get paid.”

Tom Cruise was apparently involved in a high-speed chase through Manhattan while taking Suri to his private helicopter yesterday, yet everyone seems to be remarkably calm about Katie

The Superficial | July 19, 2012 - 1:51 pm

Tom Cruise Controls The Suri Now

“So I know you’re probably thinking I went and got you that puppy, but, wow, how do I put this? Your mom’s got a lotta shit on me.”

Even though Katie Holmes got basically everything she wanted in the divorce settlement, there was no way she’d get Tom Cruise to agree to completely…

The Superficial | July 17, 2012 - 2:13 pm

Katie Holmes In Car Accident After Suri Didn’t Get A Puppy DAMIEN! CHANGE HER NAME TO DAMIEN!

Here’s Katie Holmes telling Suri she can’t have a puppy.
Here’s Katie Holmes’ Mercedes after a garbage truck slammed into it hours later.
And here’s an article about the highest practitioners of Scientology possessing the power of telekinesis.

I’m sure none of that’s related.

Photos: Bauer-Griffin, Splash News

The Superficial | July 17, 2012 - 10:29 am

So Katie Holmes Is Changing Suri’s Name Now

Probably because her name means “Daddy has lot of friends that are boys and if you see them taking showers together, give mommy two sleepy pills instead of one” in Xenu-ese, Katie Holmes is reportedly changing Suri Cruise’s name because let’s just assume her part of the divorce settlement reads, “Can do whatever she wants…

The Superficial | July 12, 2012 - 1:45 pm

Here’s How Gangster Katie Holmes Is

While Scientology tries to make Tom Cruise look like he wanted the divorce because he’s a born-and-bred pussy-slayer that can’t be tied down, reports based on reality continue to portray Katie Holmes’s escape like the episode of The Wire it is. Bitch was using a burner! Via The LA Times:

Katie Holmes set…

The Superficial | July 11, 2012 - 11:58 am

Tom Cruise Left Katie Holmes For Another Woman, What An Entirely Believable Narrative

“Tom Cruise, did you just ask me if I have a penis?”
“Haha, yeah…”

When Katie Holmes filed for divorce from Tom Cruise we were lead to believe she completely blind-sided him leaving him “devastated.” (Which she did by the way because this thing was like an escape from goddamn Alcatraz. More…

The Superficial | July 11, 2012 - 11:10 am

UPDATE: Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes Are BFFs Now

For the past 72 hours, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have been locked in divorce settlement talks, and you can tell things are going well for Tom because the two just released a cordial joint statement instead of Katie running down the street screaming, “He fucks dudes! He fucks dudes and puts pills in my…

The Superficial | July 9, 2012 - 12:45 pm

Katie Holmes Is Scientology’s 9/11

It’s been a week since Katie Holmes finally made her meticulously-planned escape from Tom Cruise, and in the aftermath has come a wave of information about Scientology which church officials are already working to downplay (If not erase altogether by complaining to Google) by claiming Katie just absolutely loved the gospel of L. Ron. She…

The Superficial | July 6, 2012 - 2:00 pm

Tom Cruise Is Trying To Activate Suri’s Doomsday Protocol By Phone

“Ohmygod, what’s this noise coming out of my mouth? Is that normal?”
“It’s laughter, Katie.”
“And people do this?”
“All the time”
“…. Do they sometimes throw up microchips?”

And now for another exciting installment in How Far Will Tom Cruise Go To Make Sure Katie Holmes

The Superficial | July 5, 2012 - 10:55 am

Katie Holmes Gets Nothing From Pre-Nup, Doesn’t Even Care Just Wants The Eff Out

Before we go back down Xenu’s rabbit hole, let’s just take a minute to marvel at Katie Holmes’ acting skills. Here she is in her car after making her first public appearance for Project Runway yesterday where clearly she let her guard down for a moment and, understandably, looks like a tired woman who’s aging…

The Superficial | July 3, 2012 - 11:44 am

Katie Holmes Left Tom Cruise Because Of Scientology? Noooooo

After writing a way too long review of Prometheus, the last thing I want to do is talk about aliens and religion combining in another nonsensical clusterfuck, but there’s literally nothing going on besides Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes divorce which I’m not going to pretend wasn’t goddamn Christmas day. So let’s get into this…

The Superficial | July 2, 2012 - 11:31 am

Katie Holmes Filed The Papers AND Wants Sole Custody of Suri. SHIT IS ON.

See how she’s making her breasts clearly visible while hovering them close to Suri? Like garlic to a vampire.

So remember about 45 minutes ago when I wrote that post about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes getting divorced and made a joke about her grabbing Suri and running for the goddamn hills. She…

The Superficial | June 29, 2012 - 2:28 pm

Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes Are Getting Divorced

Thanks to John Travolta spending the past 40 years puckering his anus at every single male masseuse on the planet making it ridiculously obvious that Scientology really is just a front for closeted gay men to pretend they’re happily married to women, Katie Holmes has finally grabbed Suri and made a run for it before…

The Superficial | June 29, 2012 - 1:31 pm