Posts tagged "Suri Cruise"

Tom Cruise Hasn’t Seen Suri In A Year

Question: How is Tom Cruise not being around a bad thing?

By: The Superficial / April 7, 2015

Katie Holmes In A Bikini

Katie Holmes spent most of November looking like an even bigger saint after more details of her divorce from Tom Cruise were leaked to the press. Details like Scientology literally equates her with Hitler and will use every means at their disposal to stop her from committing a psychic holocaust or some stupid bullshit. So…

By: The Superficial / January 2, 2014

Happy Veterans Day! Tom Cruise Says Acting Is Just Like Serving In Afghanistan

Left to right, Sergeant Thomas Mapother, UAF Volleyball Brigade, with Private Johnathan Depp, 82nd Bolo Tie Division. While I watch elementary school kids (No Jacko.) sing a tribute to veterans this morning, here's Tom Cruise stepping in even more shit thanks to his $50 million lawsuit against In Touch. Which is what happens whenever Tom…

By: The Superficial / November 11, 2013

Tom Cruise Admits Katie Holmes Left Him Because of Scientology

"What am I doing? Not getting fisted by a futuristic exoskeleton that's for sure. E-meter?" Because Tom Cruise believes he's a levitating space Jesus, he occasionally finds himself in situations where he's certain he'll vanquish his enemies with an all-consuming pulsar of justice, but instead ends up looking a crazy person. Situations like suing In

By: The Superficial / November 8, 2013

Of Course Tom Cruise Won’t Press Charges Against These Sexy Eyes, He’s Not An Animal

On Sunday night, male model Jason Sullivan (above) got shithammered drunk and attempted to return home to Tom Cruise's neighbor house where he's been staying. And by attempted I mean he accidentally tried to enter the Fortress of Xenu where this pretty much happened: "Seriously, dudes, I totally live here, why are you being dick-…

By: The Superficial / October 30, 2012

Katie Holmes Has A Butt Now

Photo Boy posted this in yesterday's The Crap We Missed because I literally missed it, so here's more of Katie Holmes's new butt which proves the mind control pills Tom hid in her food slim as much as they completely dull the senses. And I just wrote the next recruitment campaign, didn't I? Goddammit. Sure,…

By: The Superficial / September 5, 2012

Katie Holmes Gave Interview One Day Before Filing For Divorce From Tom Cruise

Everyone's freaking out today over Katie Holmes giving an interview with C Magazine the day before she filed for divorce from Tom Cruise even though she really doesn't say anything revelatory outside of refusing to mention his name and chalking up having a kid with the largest movie star on the planet as "Eh." Via…

By: The Superficial / July 24, 2012

Tom Cruise Sped Through New York To Get Suri To A Helicopter? Oh… Oh, Shit

"They told me I have to thank you in advance for lifting the chopper in the air with your mind or I don't get paid." Tom Cruise was apparently involved in a high-speed chase through Manhattan while taking Suri to his private helicopter yesterday, yet everyone seems to be remarkably calm about Katie Holmes never…

By: The Superficial / July 19, 2012

Tom Cruise Controls The Suri Now

"So I know you're probably thinking I went and got you that puppy, but, wow, how do I put this? Your mom's got a lotta shit on me." Even though Katie Holmes got basically everything she wanted in the divorce settlement, there was no way she'd get Tom Cruise to agree to completely abandon Suri

By: The Superficial / July 17, 2012

Katie Holmes In Car Accident After Suri Didn’t Get A Puppy DAMIEN! CHANGE HER NAME TO DAMIEN!

Here's Katie Holmes telling Suri she can't have a puppy. Here's Katie Holmes' Mercedes after a garbage truck slammed into it hours later. And here's an article about the highest practitioners of Scientology possessing the power of telekinesis. I'm sure none of that's related. Photos: Bauer-Griffin, Splash News

By: The Superficial / July 17, 2012

So Katie Holmes Is Changing Suri’s Name Now

Probably because her name means "Daddy has lot of friends that are boys and if you see them taking showers together, give mommy two sleepy pills instead of one" in Xenu-ese, Katie Holmes is reportedly changing Suri Cruise's name because let's just assume her part of the divorce settlement reads, "Can do whatever she want…

By: The Superficial / July 12, 2012

Here’s How Gangster Katie Holmes Is

While Scientology tries to make Tom Cruise look like he wanted the divorce because he's a born-and-bred pussy-slayer that can't be tied down, reports based on reality continue to portray Katie Holmes's escape like the episode of The Wire it is. Bitch was using a burner! Via The LA Times: Katie Holmes set the wheel…

By: The Superficial / July 11, 2012

UPDATE: Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes Are BFFs Now

For the past 72 hours, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have been locked in divorce settlement talks, and you can tell things are going well for Tom because the two just released a cordial joint statement instead of Katie running down the street screaming, "He fucks dudes! He fucks dudes and puts pills in my…

By: The Superficial / July 9, 2012

Katie Holmes Is Scientology’s 9/11

It's been a week since Katie Holmes finally made her meticulously-planned escape from Tom Cruise, and in the aftermath has come a wave of information about Scientology which church officials are already working to downplay (If not erase altogether by complaining to Google) by claiming Katie just absolutely loved the gospel of L. Ron. She…

By: The Superficial / July 6, 2012

Tom Cruise Is Trying To Activate Suri’s Doomsday Protocol By Phone

"Ohmygod, what's this noise coming out of my mouth? Is that normal?" "It's laughter, Katie." "And people do this?" "All the time" ".... Do they sometimes throw up microchips?" "Whoa!" And now for another exciting installment in How Far Will Tom Cruise Go To Make Sure Katie Holmes Doesn't Escape With The Star Child of…

By: The Superficial / July 5, 2012

Katie Holmes Gets Nothing From Pre-Nup, Doesn’t Even Care Just Wants The Eff Out

Before we go back down Xenu's rabbit hole, let's just take a minute to marvel at Katie Holmes' acting skills. Here she is in her car after making her first public appearance for Project Runway yesterday where clearly she let her guard down for a moment and, understandably, looks like a tired woman who's aging…

By: The Superficial / July 3, 2012

Katie Holmes Left Tom Cruise Because Of Scientology? Noooooo

After writing a way too long review of Prometheus, the last thing I want to do is talk about aliens and religion combining in another nonsensical clusterfuck, but there's literally nothing going on besides Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes divorce which I'm not going to pretend wasn't goddamn Christmas day. So let's get into thi…

By: The Superficial / July 2, 2012

Katie Holmes Filed The Papers AND Wants Sole Custody of Suri. SHIT IS ON.

See how she's making her breasts clearly visible while hovering them close to Suri? Like garlic to a vampire. So remember about 45 minutes ago when I wrote that post about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes getting divorced and made a joke about her grabbing Suri and running for the goddamn hills. She grabbed Suri…

By: The Superficial / June 29, 2012

Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes Are Getting Divorced

Thanks to John Travolta spending the past 40 years puckering his anus at every single male masseuse on the planet making it ridiculously obvious that Scientology really is just a front for closeted gay men to pretend they're happily married to women, Katie Holmes has finally grabbed Suri and made a run for it before…

By: The Superficial / June 29, 2012

Katie Holmes’ Life Is Really Hard

Katie Holmes appears in the latest issue of Marie Claire where she talks about handling the day-to-day stress of being a "working mom." Because Katie Holmes works and raises her kid just like you, ladies. It's amazing she gets out of bed each morning. Via Celebuzz “As an actress who is also a mother, you…

By: The Superficial / October 19, 2011
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