Posts tagged "Sports"

Katy Perry’s Breasts Must Be Contained To Protect Football

Judging by her Pepsi Halftime Show press conference, I wouldn't bet on seeing Katy Perry's breasts during the Super Bowl because football is a holy temple that must be protected.

By: The Superficial / January 30, 2015

Tells Us About Your Balls, Tom Brady, Tells Us Everything About Them

While addressing Deflategate, Tom Brady explains the process of his balls and how he has no idea how his balls got deflated because he's very protective of his balls and only like his balls a certain way.

By: The Superficial / January 23, 2015

Kurt Busch: ‘My Ex-Girlfriend’s An Assassin, So I Had To Hit Her’

Back in November, NASCAR driver Kurt Busch's now ex-girlfriend Patricia Driscoll accused him of violently beating her after losing a race in Dover and secured a no-contact order from a judge. Via Deadpsin: He was verbally abusive to her and said he wished he had a gun so that he could kill himself," the document…

By: The Superficial / January 14, 2015

Floyd Mayweather Jr. Witnesses A Murder/Suicide, Goes To Clippers Game

Yesterday morning, rapper Earl Hayes shot his wife Stephanie Moseley then himself over an alleged affair with Trey Songz which already is fucked up by itself. Except apparently he did it while FaceTime-ing - not just talking on the phone - with Floyd Mayweather Jr. who heard everything. TMZ reports: Sources tell us ... rapper…

By: The Superficial / December 9, 2014

Jose Canseco Selling Gun That Shot His Finger Off

Yesterday, we learned that Jose Canseco's finger fell off during a poker tournament which is generally what happens after you explode it off your body with a bullet then try to reattach it with a few stitches, and I'm not even a real doctor. And now's the part where you come in because he's selling…

By: The Superficial / November 18, 2014

Jose Canseco’s Finger Fell Off At A Poker Game

A few weeks back, Jose Canseco managed to do the impossible by shooting his finger off and bringing together both sides of the gun control argument to laugh at his stupidity. Even more amazingly, I learned from gun nuts that, "It went off while I was cleaning it!" almost always means "I was playing with…

By: The Superficial / November 17, 2014

In Response To Adrian Peterson’s Super Dad Tweet

The “whooping” – as Peterson put it when interviewed by police – occurred in Spring, Texas, in May. Peterson’s son had pushed another one of Peterson’s children off of a motorbike video game. As punishment, Peterson grabbed a tree branch – which he consistently referred to as a “switch” – removed the leaves and struck

By: The Superficial / November 10, 2014

Jose Canseco Shot His Finger Off

"Come into my world, flower. If you can handle it." There's an even more sick and disturbing Honey Boo Boo update coming up, so before I darken everybody's soul with that (The Superficial: I'mma Put My Pain In You), let's laugh at an idiot shooting his own finger off because natural selection is hilarious. TMZ…

By: The Superficial / October 29, 2014

Blake Griffin’s Parting Shot On Donald Sterling

I'm aware this isn't Blake Griffin, but goddamnit I love this picture. Posted by Photo Boy While Fish was away last year serving a brief stint after being found in Jon Hamm's dresser posing as an athletic supporter, I was fortunate enough to single-handedly cover the whole Donald Sterling-is-the-core-of-Satan's asshole-seriously-the-part-right-where-the-shit-begins-story, which I concluded by applauding

By: Photo Boy / October 17, 2014

‘Football Is A Flat Circle’

If there are two things in life I never want to see together - even in the middle of a McConnaissance - it's actors talking about how great they are and football. Except here's Matthew McConaughey giving a pep talk to the University of Texas Longhorns where he basically tells them that the only reaso…

By: The Superficial / October 2, 2014

Michael Phelps Arrested For DUI

Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps was arrested this morning for DUI after driving almost 40 mph over the speed limit while almost twice the legal limit. TMZ reports: Our sources tell us ... the USA Olympic legend was pulled over around 1:40 AM in his white Land Rover. We're told he bombed his field sobriety test…

By: The Superficial / September 30, 2014

Bill Simmons Suspended For 3 Weeks After Calling Roger Goodell A ‘Liar’

Despite being buried deep in the NFL's butthole (Sensing a theme today?), ESPN "Outside The Lines" published an extensive report detailing just how far the NFL and the Baltimore Ravens went to minimize Ray Rice knocking his fiance out in an elevator before dragging her body half out across the floor. They practically bent the…

By: The Superficial / September 25, 2014

Derek Jeter: ‘First, You Eat My Butthole Then You Get The Gift Basket’

One of my most favorite things I've learned from my all years on the site is that Derek Jeter gives women gift baskets full of Yankees memorabilia after he's done banging them. It's a story that not only fills me with hope, but lifts my spirits when this world doesn't make any sense. Except now…

By: The Superficial / September 22, 2014

Jonathan Dwyer Is Today’s Woman And Child-Beating NFL Player

The NFL had just finished sweeping Adrian Peterson under the rug yesterday when barely a few hours later Jonathan Dwyer was arrested for allegedly assaulting his wife (twice) and 18-month-old son because it was only a matter of time before Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson formed their own fucked-up Voltron. TMZ Sports reports: According to…

By: The Superficial / September 18, 2014

Adrian Peterson Suspended From Minnesota Vikings Indefinitely

The Minnesota Vikings thought they could squeeze Adrian Peterson into at least one game and score a win this Sunday before they'd be forced to cut him from the team in because some hippie-dippie types don't understand good old fashioned southern whooppings and the intrinsic value of beating kids so they turn into violent, hulking…

By: The Superficial / September 17, 2014

Adrian Peterson Allegedly Beat Another Kid

"See, Mike, your mistake was using dogs. Now kids? Kids are where the good whoopin's at. Not only is that shit legal, but mothafucka's will actually go on TV and defend your ass." "For real?" "Google Charles Barkley, son." Because Adrian Peterson's parents understood the value of good, old-fashioned southern whoopings, he not only grew…

By: The Superficial / September 16, 2014

Rihanna To CBS: ‘F*ck You For Pulling My Song’

In light of the Ray Rice incident, CBS decided to pull "Run This Town" from Thursday Night Football because Rihanna was the victim of domestic violence, so let's make her feel ashamed to have her music broadcast before the sacred and holy communion of NFL football. Except now they want to play her song thi…

By: The Superficial / September 16, 2014

On Adrian Peterson And ‘Whooping’ Kids

[Ed. Note: As I was writing this post, the Minnesota Vikings announced Adrian Peterson will be playing this Sunday because the NFL hates women and children as much as you do. They do interrupt a lot of games. - SW] Because the Ray Rice elevator video wasn't enough to remind everyone that the NFL ha…

By: The Superficial / September 15, 2014

Ray Rice Knocks Out Fiance In Elevator Video The NFL Definitely Saw

When Ray Rice was suspended for only two games after video surfaced of him dragging his then-fiance, now wife (Yeah...) out of an Atlantic City casino elevator, most reasonable people went, "Uh, WTF?" even as the NFL tried to downplay the severity of what happened to cause a woman to be unconscious and distancing Roger

By: The Superficial / September 8, 2014

Chrissy Teigen Got Drunk At A Dodgers Game, Still Pitched Better Than 50 Cent

Here's a drunk - by her own admission - Chrissy Teigen at last night's Dodgers game where she still managed to throw a better first pitch than 50 Cent did. And by better I mean it sort of went over the plate before she rolled around in the grass with Bonnie Cook then took picture…

By: The Superficial / August 6, 2014
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