Simon Cowell


More Simon Cowell stories

Simon Cowell Ain’t Marrying Shit, Regroups In Mezghan Hussainy’s Vagina

If there was ever one photograph that encompasses what it’s like to date Simon Cowell, it’s this one. “That blowjob was absolutely dreadful. Ohmygod, are you still in the car?”

Despite Lauren Silverman telling everyone Simon Cowell’s going to make an honest woman out of her, he has absolutely no plans to, and… More »

So Who Wants To See The Nipples On The Married Woman Simon Cowell Knocked Up?

If part of Lauren Silverman’s plan was to get knocked up by Simon Cowell and then have everyone see her nipples through her shirt, that part’s going awesome. If the other part was to still get a ton of money out of Simon’s best friend who she’s still married to on top of the money… More »

Simon Cowell Knocked Up His Best Friend’s Wife

So Simon Cowell apparently knocked up Lauren Silverman the estranged, yet technically still married wife to Simon’s best friend Andrew Silverman. Because if there’s one thing the British love it’s the sweet tang of incest. “And rape!” says Jame Bond. “The sweet tang of rape. I say that in my first book. True story.” UsMore »

Britney Spears Will Save Amanda Bynes

I feel good about this already.

Britney Spears doesn’t know what day of the week it is, but she is under a conservatorship for being crazy, so that’s enough to come up with a story about her trying to help Amanda Bynes which I’m going to repeat for the sole purpose of making… More »

Simon Cowell’s Banging Carmen Electra

The last time we checked in on Simon Cowell’s love life, he was being robbed by a one-night stand after a series of failed relationships where women wouldn’t stay with his money while he perpetually cheated on them. (Dames, amirite?) So after that the only logical step is to just start hiring prostitutes. Or CarmenMore »

And Now Back To America’s Royalty: BERTNEY!

I’ve often wondered how they manage to coax Britney Spears onto a red carpet without fried chicken hanging in the background, and today I found out the answer: Jason Trawick arrives to each event with a puppy hidden in his jacket which means every single one of these faces is, “Be good and ah getta… More »

Bertney’s Mama & Papa Won That Dang Ol’ Court Case ‘Gainst That There Mooslim Fella (Not Obama)

After attempting to paint himself as a walking rehab clinic/management team that helped Britney Spears kick a fictional meth habit, Sam Lutfi saw his lawsuit against Bertney and her parents completely thrown out yesterday which is usually what happens when you’re completely full of shit. TMZ reports:

Lutfi had filed a lawsuit –… More »

Here’s Every Single Crazy Face Bertney Made At The ‘X Factor’ Premiere

Fun Fact: Shortly after Britney Spears just walked right off set during her first episode of X Factor, Simon Cowell secretly suffered a nervous breakdown that forced him to disappear for three weeks. Now imagine being in those shoes and coming back to see each and every one of these faces you paid $15 million… More »

Bertney Can Do Whateva She Wants On TV, Y’all

“‘Em boys ain’t even cookin’ mah chick’n right. Jayden! Light the grill with mama’s cigarettes. Cig. A. Rettes. Her special smoke candy. There ya go.”

Last week we found out that despite receiving $15 million and more importantly an entire dressing room converted into a redneck smorgasbord, Britney Spears walked off during the… More »

Bertney’s Gon’ Be On TV, Y’All! And She Done Brought Her Britches

Proving his voluminous man-boobs possess a dark bitch-tit magic that can bend men’s minds to his will, Simon Cowell successfully talked Britney Spears’ dad and her fiance into accepting $15 million that she’ll never see a dime of to be a judge on the second season of X-Factor along with Demi Lovato because who doesn’t… More »

Simon Cowell’s Penis Is Hemorrhaging Money

“The name’s Boob, Man Boob. Double-O Bitch-tits.”

Simon Cowell has more money stashed in his sweater cows than most industrialized nations, so naturally he has sex with lots of women because deep down they’re just looking for a nice guy with a sense of humor. Except you’ll be surprised to learn that one… More »

Britney Spears Is Getting $15 Million To Be An ‘X-Factor’ Judge. Britney Spears.

“But daddy, those furnch fries were down there for me.”

Britney Spears can’t even get married without her husband being named her co-conservator because according to the state of California, she technically shouldn’t even brush her own teeth without a helmet and two spotters. So of course it makes sense that Simon CowellMore »

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