Posts tagged "NFL"

Katy Perry’s Breasts Must Be Contained To Protect Football

Judging by her Pepsi Halftime Show press conference, I wouldn't bet on seeing Katy Perry's breasts during the Super Bowl because football is a holy temple that must be protected.
By: The Superficial / January 30, 2015

Tells Us About Your Balls, Tom Brady, Tells Us Everything About Them

While addressing Deflategate, Tom Brady explains the process of his balls and how he has no idea how his balls got deflated because he's very protective of his balls and only like his balls a certain way.
By: The Superficial / January 23, 2015

Ray Rice Can Play Football Again

Now that Ray Rice has been officially reinstated by the NFL, let's see how football fans are reacting to seeing a man who knocked his fiance unconscious in an elevator successfully negotiate a delicate pat on the wrist before being handed millions of dollars to move a leather ball …
By: The Superficial / December 1, 2014

In Response To Adrian Peterson’s Super Dad Tweet

The “whooping” – as Peterson put it when interviewed by police – occurred in Spring, Texas, in May. Peterson’s son had pushed another one of Peterson’s children off of a motorbike video game. As punishment, Peterson grabbed a tree branch – which he consistently referred to as a “switch” – removed the leaves …
By: The Superficial / November 10, 2014

Matthew McConaughey Said Some Stupid Shit About The Redskins

Matthew McConaughey is the cover interview for the new issue of GQ which is an incredible read for anyone who's currently obsessed with the McConaissance to a fault like I am. (And, yes, he's aware of the term: "It's a cool word. It sounds good. It's got a good meter.") Except …
By: The Superficial / October 21, 2014

Ray Rice Could Be Reinstated Next Month

After TMZ published footage showing Ray Rice knocking his fiance out in an elevator which the NFL almost definitely saw, he was suspended indefinitely by the league after getting just a two-game suspension and a pat on the back from the Ravens. From there, it's been one perpetual fuck-up …
By: The Superficial / October 20, 2014

Bill Simmons Suspended For 3 Weeks After Calling Roger Goodell A ‘Liar’

Despite being buried deep in the NFL's butthole (Sensing a theme today?), ESPN "Outside The Lines" published an extensive report detailing just how far the NFL and the Baltimore Ravens went to minimize Ray Rice knocking his fiance out in an elevator before dragging her body …
By: The Superficial / September 25, 2014

Jonathan Dwyer Is Today’s Woman And Child-Beating NFL Player

The NFL had just finished sweeping Adrian Peterson under the rug yesterday when barely a few hours later Jonathan Dwyer was arrested for allegedly assaulting his wife (twice) and 18-month-old son because it was only a matter of time before Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson …
By: The Superficial / September 18, 2014

Adrian Peterson’s Nike Contract Is Suspended

Because if everyone works fast enough, the NFL can sweep this all up by Thursday night, Nike has suspended Adrian Peterson's contract, according to ESPN's Darren Rovell: "Nike in no way condones child abuse [Ed. Note: I'll assume "but our factories though" got cut off. - SW] or domestic violence …
By: The Superficial / September 17, 2014

Adrian Peterson Suspended From Minnesota Vikings Indefinitely

The Minnesota Vikings thought they could squeeze Adrian Peterson into at least one game and score a win this Sunday before they'd be forced to cut him from the team in because some hippie-dippie types don't understand good old fashioned southern whooppings and the intrinsic value of beating kids …
By: The Superficial / September 17, 2014

Adrian Peterson Allegedly Beat Another Kid

"See, Mike, your mistake was using dogs. Now kids? Kids are where the good whoopin's at. Not only is that shit legal, but mothafucka's will actually go on TV and defend your ass." "For real?" "Google Charles Barkley, son." Because Adrian Peterson's parents understood the value of good, old-fashioned southern whoopings, …
By: The Superficial / September 16, 2014

Rihanna To CBS: ‘F*ck You For Pulling My Song’

In light of the Ray Rice incident, CBS decided to pull "Run This Town" from Thursday Night Football because Rihanna was the victim of domestic violence, so let's make her feel ashamed to have her music broadcast before the sacred and holy communion of NFL football. Except now they …
By: The Superficial / September 16, 2014

On Adrian Peterson And ‘Whooping’ Kids

[Ed. Note: As I was writing this post, the Minnesota Vikings announced Adrian Peterson will be playing this Sunday because the NFL hates women and children as much as you do. They do interrupt a lot of games. - SW] Because the Ray Rice elevator video wasn't enough to remind everyone …
By: The Superficial / September 15, 2014

Rihanna Song Pulled From Thursday Night Football

"HAHAHAHA! I'mma haunt you forever." Thanks to Chris Brown beating the shit out of Rihanna for looking at his phone, CBS decided to pull "Run This Town" from last night's Thursday Night Football so people won't have to think about the NFL only giving Ray Rice a …
By: The Superficial / September 12, 2014

Ray Rice Found Jesus And Stopped Drinking, Everybody, Hallelujah!

While the NFL finds itself in even more shit after a law enforcement official confirmed to the AP that execs had a copy of the Ray Rice elevator video since April, Ray Rice's handlers are staying focused on making sure they've done enough spin before he inevitably plays professional …
By: The Superficial / September 11, 2014

Ray Rice Is In ‘Good Spirits,’ Everybody

Lost in the media's zeal to destroy Janay Rice's life (Alright, who told her?) by holding the NFL accountable for treating domestic violence with a brief "time out," are the feelings of Ray Rice. Has anyone stopped to ask how he's doing after getting cut from the Ravens because everyone found …
By: The Superficial / September 9, 2014

Janay Rice: ‘You Ruined Our Life For Ratings’

Yesterday, Ray Rice was cut from the Baltimore Ravens and suspended indefinitely from the NFL after an elevator video was released showing him knocking out his fiance before dragging her unconscious body and leaving it on the floor. Unfortunately, she still went on to marry him and …
By: The Superficial / September 9, 2014

Ray Rice Suspended From The NFL ‘Indefinitely’

As part of a coordinated effort to make both organizations look like they've never seen the video of him knocking out his fiance until today (which contradicts several reports), the Baltimore Ravens officially cut Ray Rice while the NFL has suspended him indefinitely because, again, the …
By: The Superficial / September 8, 2014

Ray Rice Knocks Out Fiance In Elevator Video The NFL Definitely Saw

When Ray Rice was suspended for only two games after video surfaced of him dragging his then-fiance, now wife (Yeah...) out of an Atlantic City casino elevator, most reasonable people went, "Uh, WTF?" even as the NFL tried to downplay the severity of what happened to cause …
By: The Superficial / September 8, 2014

Chris Kluwe Just Wrote An Epic Article About Why He Was Really Fired From The Vikings

Former Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe quickly became an Internet hero after writing an open letter defending Brendon Ayanbadejo a linebacker for the Baltimore Ravens who was chastised for defending gay rights. Kluwe later became an outspoken advocate for equality and Twitter sensation before suddenly finding himself cut from …
By: The Superficial / January 2, 2014
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