Posts tagged "NFL"

Tom Brady’s #DeflateGate Suspension Makes Sense

Tom Brady got twice the punishment for #DeflateGate as Ray Rice did for knocking his girlfriend out. ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBAAAALLLL?! YEEEAAHH!!

By: Photo Boy / May 12, 2015

Katy Perry’s Breasts Must Be Contained To Protect Football

Judging by her Pepsi Halftime Show press conference, I wouldn’t bet on seeing Katy Perry’s breasts during the Super Bowl because football is a holy temple that must be protected.

By: The Superficial / January 30, 2015

Tells Us About Your Balls, Tom Brady, Tells Us Everything About Them

While addressing Deflategate, Tom Brady explains the process of his balls and how he has no idea how his balls got deflated because he’s very protective of his balls and only like his balls a certain way.

By: The Superficial / January 23, 2015

Ray Rice Can Play Football Again

Now that Ray Rice has been officially reinstated by the NFL, let’s see how football fans are reacting to seeing a man who knocked his fiance unconscious in an elevator successfully negotiate a delicate pat on the wrist before being handed millions of dollars to move a leather ball down a field. TMZ reports:…

By: The Superficial / December 1, 2014

In Response To Adrian Peterson’s Super Dad Tweet

The “whooping” – as Peterson put it when interviewed by police – occurred in Spring, Texas, in May. Peterson’s son had pushed another one of Peterson’s children off of a motorbike video game. As punishment, Peterson grabbed a tree branch – which he consistently referred to as a “switch” – removed the leaves and struck

By: The Superficial / November 10, 2014

Matthew McConaughey Said Some Stupid Shit About The Redskins

Matthew McConaughey is the cover interview for the new issue of GQ which is an incredible read for anyone who’s currently obsessed with the McConaissance to a fault like I am. (And, yes, he’s aware of the term: “It’s a cool word. It sounds good. It’s got a good meter.”) Except you’ve probably heard by…

By: The Superficial / October 21, 2014

Ray Rice Could Be Reinstated Next Month

After TMZ published footage showing Ray Rice knocking his fiance out in an elevator which the NFL almost definitely saw, he was suspended indefinitely by the league after getting just a two-game suspension and a pat on the back from the Ravens. From there, it’s been one perpetual fuck-up after the other including an extensive…

By: The Superficial / October 20, 2014

Bill Simmons Suspended For 3 Weeks After Calling Roger Goodell A ‘Liar’

Despite being buried deep in the NFL’s butthole (Sensing a theme today?), ESPN “Outside The Lines” published an extensive report detailing just how far the NFL and the Baltimore Ravens went to minimize Ray Rice knocking his fiance out in an elevator before dragging her body half out across the floor. They practically bent the…

By: The Superficial / September 25, 2014

Jonathan Dwyer Is Today’s Woman And Child-Beating NFL Player

The NFL had just finished sweeping Adrian Peterson under the rug yesterday when barely a few hours later Jonathan Dwyer was arrested for allegedly assaulting his wife (twice) and 18-month-old son because it was only a matter of time before Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson formed their own fucked-up Voltron. TMZ Sports reports:…

By: The Superficial / September 18, 2014

Adrian Peterson’s Nike Contract Is Suspended

Because if everyone works fast enough, the NFL can sweep this all up by Thursday night, Nike has suspended Adrian Peterson’s contract, according to ESPN’s Darren Rovell:

“Nike in no way condones child abuse [Ed. Note: I’ll assume “but our factories though” got cut off. – SW] or domestic violence of any kind…

By: The Superficial / September 17, 2014

Adrian Peterson Suspended From Minnesota Vikings Indefinitely

The Minnesota Vikings thought they could squeeze Adrian Peterson into at least one game and score a win this Sunday before they’d be forced to cut him from the team in because some hippie-dippie types don’t understand good old fashioned southern whooppings and the intrinsic value of beating kids so they turn into violent, hulking…

By: The Superficial / September 17, 2014

Adrian Peterson Allegedly Beat Another Kid

“See, Mike, your mistake was using dogs. Now kids? Kids are where the good whoopin’s at. Not only is that shit legal, but mothafucka’s will actually go on TV and defend your ass.”
“For real?”
“Google Charles Barkley, son.”

Because Adrian Peterson’s parents understood the value of good, old-fashioned southern whoopings,…

By: The Superficial / September 16, 2014

Rihanna To CBS: ‘F*ck You For Pulling My Song’

In light of the Ray Rice incident, CBS decided to pull “Run This Town” from Thursday Night Football because Rihanna was the victim of domestic violence, so let’s make her feel ashamed to have her music broadcast before the sacred and holy communion of NFL football. Except now they want to play her song thi…

By: The Superficial / September 16, 2014

On Adrian Peterson And ‘Whooping’ Kids

[Ed. Note: As I was writing this post, the Minnesota Vikings announced Adrian Peterson will be playing this Sunday because the NFL hates women and children as much as you do. They do interrupt a lot of games. – SW]

Because the Ray Rice elevator video wasn’t enough to remind everyone that the…

By: The Superficial / September 15, 2014

Rihanna Song Pulled From Thursday Night Football

“HAHAHAHA! I’mma haunt you forever.”

Thanks to Chris Brown beating the shit out of Rihanna for looking at his phone, CBS decided to pull “Run This Town” from last night’s Thursday Night Football so people won’t have to think about the NFL only giving Ray Rice a two-game suspension for punching out his

By: The Superficial / September 12, 2014

Ray Rice Found Jesus And Stopped Drinking, Everybody, Hallelujah!

While the NFL finds itself in even more shit after a law enforcement official confirmed to the AP that execs had a copy of the Ray Rice elevator video since April, Ray Rice’s handlers are staying focused on making sure they’ve done enough spin before he inevitably plays professional football again next season if not…

By: The Superficial / September 11, 2014

Ray Rice Is In ‘Good Spirits,’ Everybody

Lost in the media’s zeal to destroy Janay Rice’s life (Alright, who told her?) by holding the NFL accountable for treating domestic violence with a brief “time out,” are the feelings of Ray Rice. Has anyone stopped to ask how he’s doing after getting cut from the Ravens because everyone found out how hard he…

By: The Superficial / September 9, 2014

Janay Rice: ‘You Ruined Our Life For Ratings’

Yesterday, Ray Rice was cut from the Baltimore Ravens and suspended indefinitely from the NFL after an elevator video was released showing him knocking out his fiance before dragging her unconscious body and leaving it on the floor. Unfortunately, she still went on to marry him and helped beg the NFL to let him keep

By: The Superficial / September 9, 2014

Ray Rice Suspended From The NFL ‘Indefinitely’

As part of a coordinated effort to make both organizations look like they’ve never seen the video of him knocking out his fiance until today (which contradicts several reports), the Baltimore Ravens officially cut Ray Rice while the NFL has suspended him indefinitely because, again, the elevator video is really that bad, and even worse,…

By: The Superficial / September 8, 2014

Ray Rice Knocks Out Fiance In Elevator Video The NFL Definitely Saw

When Ray Rice was suspended for only two games after video surfaced of him dragging his then-fiance, now wife (Yeah…) out of an Atlantic City casino elevator, most reasonable people went, “Uh, WTF?” even as the NFL tried to downplay the severity of what happened to cause a woman to be unconscious and distancing Roger

By: The Superficial / September 8, 2014
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