Matthew Rutler


More Matthew Rutler stories

Remember How Christina Aguilera Got Really Skinny? That’s All Over Now

Sometime around April of last year, Christina Aguilera got crazy skinny after looking perpetually pregnant for most of 2012 and almost ruining The Voice in the process. Except, good news, she is pregnant now presumably because no one gave a shit about her engagement announcement last week. People reports:

A week after announcing… More »

Christina Aguilera Can Fit Into Jeans? There’s No Way That’s Right

Christina Aguilera almost exclusively wears stretchy pants or a form-hugging dress (both commando), except here she is actually wearing jeans while promoting The Voice last night. So if everyone could maybe shut up about elections and malfunctioning voter machines, let’s focus on how the hell something like this evens happen and who stands to gain… More »

Christina Aguilera & Kim Kardashian Tie For ‘Most Breastiest’ Costume

Here’s Christina Aguilera and Kim Kardashian who both wore costumes showcasing their tits, so I’m not even going to come up with something clever to say about that because absolutely none of you will read it. We’re on a tight dick joke ration over here, and you never know when you’ll need one to plug… More »

Christina Aguilera’s Last Album Is From The Future So That’s Why No One Bought It

“Ohmygod, I haven’t eaten all day. Just one bite…”
“What did you say, mama?”

Seen here taking her moleman/human hybrid son Max to the Pumpkin Patch because he always burrows out the best ones, Christina Aguilera’s last album Bionic barely sold 300,000 copies, and as she gets ready to release… More »

Christina Aguilera Knows That Drinking Is Bad For The Baby, Right?

Oh, I see how it is. I take a break from the dick jokes to try and save a two-year-old fetus and suddenly I’m the bad guy here. Well, excuuuse me, Princess.

[Ed. Note: I’m trying this new thing where I randomly reference old 80s shows in the hopes I’ll start getting laidMore »

Christina Aguilera’s The Voice of World Hunger Now. Christina Aguilera.

Presumably after never once looking at her, Yum! Brands has named Christina Aguilera as “the voice” – That happened. – of their World Hunger Relief Effort. Because if there’s one thing starving children want to see, it’s fat waddling on a woman’s face from experiencing the daily luxury of being able to eat her feelings… More »

Good Morning, Christina Aguilera’s Breasts, And Other News

- Jamie Lynn Spears can legally buy alcohol now, but I’ll always see her as the pig-tailed little 16-year-old with a baby in her. [TooFab]

– It’s Hilary Duff’s baby she made with that guy she blew after he proposed! [Dlisted]

- A Woman’s Abs Are Like Magic [theCHIVE]

More »

Someone Obviously Told Christina Aguilera Stripes Are Slimming

Christina Aguilera’s weight has been a touchy subject lately to the point that Adam Levine sleeps in fear each night that he’ll wake up discovering a new definition of pain and suffering as he’s slowly digested over thousands of years. So to give credit where credit is due, here’s Christina at last night’s Lakers game… More »

Adam Levine’s Terrified Of Christina Aguilera

Adam Levine apparently stopped by Howard Stern this week where he essentially made it clear he does not bitch about Christina Aguilera’s weight delaying production on The Voice, but instead repeatedly shats himself out of unfathomable terror until his model girlfriend’s vagina bathes him in a gold, rejuvenating light which is the only way to… More »

Christina Aguilera’s Fat Is Ruining ‘The Voice’

Seen here taking her son to a show that claims Michael Jackson is “immortal” yet, somehow, not a single person goes, “Child sacrifice, ‘ey? Not on my watch,” Christina Aguilera’s weight is becoming the tights-wearing elephant in the room on the set of The Voice, according to the National Enquirer:

“Christina holds up… More »

Christina Aguilera’s Boyfriend Loves Her Fat Ass

“Ho ho ho ho… ha ha ha ha…. This bounty hunter is my kind of scum. Fearless and inventive.”

Seen here at the Television Something or Rather promoting The Voice, Christina Aguilera apparently wanted people to know that she’s happy with looking perpetually pregnant and her boyfriend Matthew Rutler can’t get enough of… More »

Christina Aguilera Should Stop Wearing Tights

We are all Kelly Osbourne now.

Despite being desperate for her boyfriend Matthew Rutler to make an honest woman out of her – Ignoring all that sex they had while she was still married, of course – Christina Aguilera won’t stop wearing the same pair of black tights everywhere she goes. Apparently, she’s… More »

I Made Christina Aguilera Better

True story: In all my years writing the site, this is literally the first time I thought to do this. Whether that says more about Christina Aguilera or myself is entirely open for debate, but I dare anyone to look at the rest of these pics and then tell me what happened here wasn’t necessary. More »

Christina Aguilera’s Breasts Receive Top Gay Honor

Christina Aguilera was honored with the first star on the Hollywood Gay Walk of Fame last night despite not even being gay and successfully reproducing via heterosexual intercourse. However, she does have huge breasts beloved by my weiner gay and straight alike making them a universal language of togetherness, and she also made Matthew RutlerMore »

Christina Aguilera’s Boyfriend Won’t Be Charged With DUI

After causing a media shitstorm following their arrests last month, Christina Aguilera’s boyfriend Matthew Rutler will not be charged with a DUI after all. Apparently his BAC came back only .06 instead of the .08 needed to be considered legally intoxicated, according to Us Magazine. My, what a convenient turn of events…


Christina Aguilera Has More Leaked Photos

Christina Aguilera apparently has more racy photos floating around, except this time featuring her in bed with new boyfriend Matthew Rutler. According to RadarOnline, someone who claims they found a camera card in a French hotel (Read: It’s those hackers.) is shopping around 109 pics from June to November 2010 that show Christina in numerous… More »

Christina Aguilera Got Drunk Again At The Same Exact Place

Last week Christina Aguilera and her boyfriend Matthew Rutler were arrested after getting shit-faced at Osteria Mozza, so you’d assume they’d never show their face again. Guess again. Three days later they were back get hammered on vino. Us Weekly reports:

“She acted as if the arrest never happened,” a Mozza source tells… More »

Christina Aguilera and Boyfriend Arrested

Christina Aguilera and her boyfriend Matthew Rutler were arrested at 2:45 a.m. this morning in West Hollywood. Matthew was nailed for DUI while Christina ended up in the drunk tank for public intoxication during the incident, according to TMZ:

Law enforcement sources tell us Aguilera appeared to be “extremely intoxicated” and was “unable… More »

Christina Aguilera Has Sex in the Bathroom During Family Gatherings

When she’s not blacking out in random celebrities’ beds after showing up uninvited to their parties, Christina Aguilera has acquired a new habit of banging her boyfriend Matthew Rutler in the bathroom during family gatherings, according to Us Weekly:

“Her friends are fed up,” the source says of Aguilera’s recent antics, which included… More »

Jordan Bratman Still Won’t Move Out

Despite separating months ago and Christina Aguilera more than likely carrying Matthew Rutler’s baby, Jordan Bratman is still refusing to move out of their $11.5 million mansion, according to Us Weekly. However, there are several factors to consider here before insinuating he hides in a closet, watching and weeping as his former bride receives another… More »

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