Matthew Rutler


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Remember How Christina Aguilera Got Really Skinny? That’s All Over Now

Sometime around April of last year, Christina Aguilera got crazy skinny after looking perpetually pregnant for most of 2012 and almost ruining The Voice in the process. Except, good news, she is pregnant now presumably because no one gave a shit about her engagement announcement last week. People reports:

A week after announcing… More »

Christina Aguilera Can Fit Into Jeans? There’s No Way That’s Right

Christina Aguilera almost exclusively wears stretchy pants or a form-hugging dress (both commando), except here she is actually wearing jeans while promoting The Voice last night. So if everyone could maybe shut up about elections and malfunctioning voter machines, let’s focus on how the hell something like this evens happen and who stands to gain… More »

Christina Aguilera & Kim Kardashian Tie For ‘Most Breastiest’ Costume

Here’s Christina Aguilera and Kim Kardashian who both wore costumes showcasing their tits, so I’m not even going to come up with something clever to say about that because absolutely none of you will read it. We’re on a tight dick joke ration over here, and you never know when you’ll need one to plug… More »

Christina Aguilera’s Last Album Is From The Future So That’s Why No One Bought It

“Ohmygod, I haven’t eaten all day. Just one bite…”
“What did you say, mama?”

Seen here taking her moleman/human hybrid son Max to the Pumpkin Patch because he always burrows out the best ones, Christina Aguilera’s last album Bionic barely sold 300,000 copies, and as she gets ready to release… More »

Christina Aguilera Knows That Drinking Is Bad For The Baby, Right?

Oh, I see how it is. I take a break from the dick jokes to try and save a two-year-old fetus and suddenly I’m the bad guy here. Well, excuuuse me, Princess.

[Ed. Note: I’m trying this new thing where I randomly reference old 80s shows in the hopes I’ll start getting laidMore »

Christina Aguilera’s The Voice of World Hunger Now. Christina Aguilera.

Presumably after never once looking at her, Yum! Brands has named Christina Aguilera as “the voice” – That happened. – of their World Hunger Relief Effort. Because if there’s one thing starving children want to see, it’s fat waddling on a woman’s face from experiencing the daily luxury of being able to eat her feelings… More »

Good Morning, Christina Aguilera’s Breasts, And Other News

- Jamie Lynn Spears can legally buy alcohol now, but I’ll always see her as the pig-tailed little 16-year-old with a baby in her. [TooFab]

– It’s Hilary Duff’s baby she made with that guy she blew after he proposed! [Dlisted]

- A Woman’s Abs Are Like Magic [theCHIVE]

More »

Someone Obviously Told Christina Aguilera Stripes Are Slimming

Christina Aguilera’s weight has been a touchy subject lately to the point that Adam Levine sleeps in fear each night that he’ll wake up discovering a new definition of pain and suffering as he’s slowly digested over thousands of years. So to give credit where credit is due, here’s Christina at last night’s Lakers game… More »

Adam Levine’s Terrified Of Christina Aguilera

Adam Levine apparently stopped by Howard Stern this week where he essentially made it clear he does not bitch about Christina Aguilera’s weight delaying production on The Voice, but instead repeatedly shats himself out of unfathomable terror until his model girlfriend’s vagina bathes him in a gold, rejuvenating light which is the only way to… More »

Christina Aguilera’s Fat Is Ruining ‘The Voice’

Seen here taking her son to a show that claims Michael Jackson is “immortal” yet, somehow, not a single person goes, “Child sacrifice, ‘ey? Not on my watch,” Christina Aguilera’s weight is becoming the tights-wearing elephant in the room on the set of The Voice, according to the National Enquirer:

“Christina holds up… More »

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