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Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Are Married

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard are legally married because apparently you do need that piece of paper to keep having sex with a woman who doesn’t look like Willem Dafoe. More »


Alice Eve Got Married, I Hate This Year Already

Because The Lord did look down upon 2015 and declared to the heavenly host, “I shall fucketh this shit all up,” Alice Eve got married on New Year’s Eve, and it wasn’t to one of us. I would’ve remembered something like that. Her? Probably not so much. Women call me “The Ghost” in the sack. More »


We Live In A World Where George Clooney Is Married

“Alzheimer’s. Had it for months now. So who’s the poor shmuck getting married?”

If someone walked up to me and said, “Hey, did you hear George Clooney got married?” I’d punch that person square in the mouth for telling a lie so ridiculous I’d have legal grounds to sue for custody of his… More »


Marky Mark Skipped Donnie Wahlberg & Jenny McCarthy’s Wedding

Probably coz Jenny McCarthy’s gawddamn tits make you wanna mastahbate, and when you mastahabate you ain’t gawt enough strength to stawp 9/11, frickin’ Mahky Mahk didn’t even go to his brotha Donnie’s weddin’ in frickin’ Chicago. But he did send him this wickid pissah video on Instagram which the cheap bastahd prawbly counted as a… More »


Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie Are Married

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been together for nine years, the bulk of which they’ve spent as parents to six children. But what they don’t have a is a legal document that makes it a gigantic pain in the ass to break up, so their love has basically been meaningless horseshit if it even… More »


Jessica Simpson Got Married

Because I work in celebrity gossip, I’m obligated to inform you that Jessica Simpson married Eric Johnson this weekend who apparently couldn’t content himself with buckets of child support from two kids, and had to go for the alimony, too. Somewhere, Kevin Federline just saluted by holding a chicken wing to his forehead. That being… More »


Everything You Could Die Happy Never Knowing About Kim & Kanye’s Wedding

For those of you who spent Memorial Day weekend in a joyfully ignorant bliss-bubble of friends, family and alcohol, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West got married on Saturday. So to get this over with as quickly as possible, here are all the highlights I painstakingly cobbled together because I know how much you hate doing… More »


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