More Marriage stories

Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Are Married

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard are legally married because apparently you do need that piece of paper to keep having sex with a woman who doesn’t look like Willem Dafoe. More »

Alice Eve Got Married, I Hate This Year Already

Because The Lord did look down upon 2015 and declared to the heavenly host, “I shall fucketh this shit all up,” Alice Eve got married on New Year’s Eve, and it wasn’t to one of us. I would’ve remembered something like that. Her? Probably not so much. Women call me “The Ghost” in the sack. More »

We Live In A World Where George Clooney Is Married

“Alzheimer’s. Had it for months now. So who’s the poor shmuck getting married?”

If someone walked up to me and said, “Hey, did you hear George Clooney got married?” I’d punch that person square in the mouth for telling a lie so ridiculous I’d have legal grounds to sue for custody of his… More »

Marky Mark Skipped Donnie Wahlberg & Jenny McCarthy’s Wedding

Probably coz Jenny McCarthy’s gawddamn tits make you wanna mastahbate, and when you mastahabate you ain’t gawt enough strength to stawp 9/11, frickin’ Mahky Mahk didn’t even go to his brotha Donnie’s weddin’ in frickin’ Chicago. But he did send him this wickid pissah video on Instagram which the cheap bastahd prawbly counted as a… More »

Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie Are Married

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been together for nine years, the bulk of which they’ve spent as parents to six children. But what they don’t have a is a legal document that makes it a gigantic pain in the ass to break up, so their love has basically been meaningless horseshit if it even… More »

Jessica Simpson Got Married

Because I work in celebrity gossip, I’m obligated to inform you that Jessica Simpson married Eric Johnson this weekend who apparently couldn’t content himself with buckets of child support from two kids, and had to go for the alimony, too. Somewhere, Kevin Federline just saluted by holding a chicken wing to his forehead. That being… More »

Everything You Could Die Happy Never Knowing About Kim & Kanye’s Wedding

For those of you who spent Memorial Day weekend in a joyfully ignorant bliss-bubble of friends, family and alcohol, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West got married on Saturday. So to get this over with as quickly as possible, here are all the highlights I painstakingly cobbled together because I know how much you hate doing… More »


Not unlike the Nickelodeon exec who (allegedly) knocked her up, I forget Jamie Lynn Spears is a person who exists in real life. But apparently 31-year-old “businessman” Jamie Watson did not because he married her over the weekend. Us Weekly reports:

Spears, 22, and Watson, 31, arrived with their families at the Audobon… More »

Stacy Keibler Married Her George Clooney Rebound

When Elisabetta Canalis got dumped by George Clooney, she responded by banging Steve-O which basically told Clooney he made an incredible choice by ditching a woman who’ll do terrible, terrible things for money. So let’s see if Stacy Keibler can do any better which if you already read the headline, you know she did worse. More »

Chris Pratt is Star-Lord in ‘Guardians of The Galaxy’

Chris Pratt gets to have sex with Anna Faris and now on top of that, he’s scored the lead in Marvel’s next superhero franchise Guardians of the Galaxy because he’s the son of The Devil. That’s the only explanation. The Devil ejaculated into a human woman, nine months later Chris Pratt popped out and said,… More »

Katy Perry’s Breasts Domesticated John Mayer

“Ha! Play pinochle with you again? This old rascal.”

In a new interview with Rolling Stone that I inexplicably read in its entirety, a more mellow, less douchey (for him anyway) John Mayer opens up about the past two years of his life not touring because of a granuloma in his throat which… More »

Homeless Man Made $40 To Appear In Justin Timberlake & Jessica Biel Wedding Video

Thanks to Justin Timberlake having shit taste in friends, everyone’s talking about his wedding to Jessica Biel but only in the context of why the fuck his douchebag buddy Justin Huchel (Huchel. H-U-C-H-E-L) would make homeless people wish them good luck at their $6.5 million ceremony in southern Italy. And, of course, TMZ tracked down… More »

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