Mark Heller


More Mark Heller stories

The Paparazzi Made Dina Lohan Drive Drunk

Dina Lohan was arrested for DUI back in September, and in that time she’s managed to hire Lindsay’s old moron lawyer Mark Heller who’s now using his moron skills to blame the paparazzi for Dina’s DUI. And, no, not for chasing her or causing a life-threatening situation, but just for existing in general which is…

The Superficial | October 23, 2013 - 2:30 pm

Dina Lohan’s Using Lindsay’s Old Moron Lawyer To Fight Her DUI Arrest, Of Course

Two weeks ago, Dina Lohan was arrested for DUI after blowing over twice the legal limit, so naturally she just plead not guilty to those charges because the first rule of being a Lohan is living in a fantasy land of your own creation where actions have no consequences. Which is also probably why she…

The Superficial | September 24, 2013 - 1:17 pm

Surprise! Lindsay Lohan Just Got Away With Doing Whatever The Hell She Wanted To Again

Posted by Photo Boy

Ever since Lindsay Lohan ditched her real lawyer for that late night commerical DUI guy, her case about lying to the cops and subsequent plea deal has turned into the same kind of joke as every other time she’s been in court. Today is the deadline for her rehab…

Photo Boy | May 2, 2013 - 1:00 pm

Lindsay Lohan Is A Very Busy Movie Star, You Guys

If you think Lindsay Lohan is just going to spend her time before rehab friviously finding new stores to steal from without a bra on, think again. She has a very busy schedule entertaining numerous suitors before filming with a venerable star of stage and screen and fleeing to South America. Wait, what? Page Six

The Superficial | March 22, 2013 - 2:44 pm

How Lindsay Lohan Ended Up With Her Shitty Lawyer

It’s just been assumed that Lindsay Lohan hired Mark Heller as her attorney because he works for blowjobs instead of real money, but apparently that’s only 75-90% of it. Turns out Lindsay works with Heller’s son Mike who arranges for celebrities to “party” with wealthy guests in the Hamptons which also explains how Dina finds…

The Superficial | March 21, 2013 - 11:13 am

Lindsay Lohan Got 90 Days of Rehab Instead of 30 Days House Arrest Because Her Lawyer’s An Idiot

As Todd over at IDLIYTW points out, Lindsay Lohan could’ve had a relatively easy 30 days of house arrest had she simply agreed to one of several plea deals from the DA’s office, but instead she trusted her new, free dipshit lawyer Mark Heller to prove her innocence despite the fact the only legal maneuvers…

The Superficial | March 19, 2013 - 3:05 pm

So Lindsay Lohan Took That Plea Deal

“Goddammit, Rip Taylor, we get it! You like confetti.”

After boarding then unboarding a plane at JFK and eventually getting a private jet paid for by Mr. Pink Energy Drink to fly her back to LA just in time for her to be 45 minutes late to court, here’s Lindsay Lohan finally showing…

The Superficial | March 18, 2013 - 4:40 pm

Lindsay Lohan’s Lawyer Deemed Incompetent By Judge After Trying To Get Her Case Dismissed

Had Lindsay Lohan taken a plea deal earlier this week and agreed to 60 days of rehab that would’ve easily been whittled down to two weeks after she punches the entire staff, her shady as shit lawyer Mark Heller could’ve avoided going into court today to get her entire lying-to-police case dismissed. A move that…

The Superficial | March 1, 2013 - 1:45 pm

Lindsay Lohan Wants A New Lawyer Already

Because she’s the end result of abusive coke-rattled semen forcibly fired into a gin box, Lindsay Lohan inexplicably ditched her lawyer Shawn Holley, who was literally the only good thing she had going for her, and replaced her with a guy who looks like a mob lawyer straight out of the 70s. Within the first…

The Superficial | February 1, 2013 - 9:50 am

There Is Another… Lohan… Again

Speaking of children who have no business existing, while Lindsay Lohan spent yesterday in court watching her new lawyer perform such dazzling legal maneuvers as “This here’s my lucky rabbit’s foot” and “Lookin’ beautiful today, ya honah,” (No really.), her dad was learning that 8,567 kicks to the vagina still isn’t enough to abort a…

The Superficial | January 31, 2013 - 10:45 am

Lindsay Lohan Got Her Ass On A Plane

Yesterday, Lindsay Lohan tried to bail on her court hearing today by claiming to have the flu even though she was photographed shopping all over New York the exact day she was supposedly diagnosed. Except in a surprising display of self-awareness, Lindsay hopped on a plane last night after the story broke which is hilarious…

The Superficial | January 30, 2013 - 9:46 am

Lindsay Lohan Called In Sick To Court, Is A Moron

Now that she’s free of that bitch Shawn Holley who kept keeping her out of jail, Lindsay Lohan finally has a lawyer who lets her do whatever stupid shit she wants. Stupid shit like not flying back to LA for a court hearing tomorrow because she’s “sick” and then being photographed shopping all over New…

The Superficial | January 29, 2013 - 2:24 pm

And Shawn Holley Just Saved Lindsay Lohan From Going To Jail. Goddammit.

Lindsay Lohan’s still in London and her current lawyer Mark Heller can’t represent her in California yet, so all Shawn Holley had to do this morning was show up in court and tell the judge Lindsay fired her which would’ve resulted in a bench warrant for her arrest. Instead, despite still being owed $300,000, Shawn…

The Superficial | January 15, 2013 - 1:45 pm

Lindsay Lohan Fires Lawyer Who Successfully Keeps Her Out of Jail Because She Charges Money

Lindsay Lohan has literally only done one thing right in her life and that’s retain Shawn Holley as her lawyer because she’s repeatedly kept her out of jail so many times that if this were the 1800s we’d burn her alive for being a witch. Unfortunately, Shawn charges money for her legal services, so she…

The Superficial | January 15, 2013 - 9:00 am