Posts tagged "Macaulay Culkin"

Don’t Interrupt Macaulay Culkin’s Kazoo Solo

When people ask me what I do for a living, most of the time I just lie and say I’m an abortion doctor because here’s the Internet’s top trending story right now which you’ll notice has nothing do with gun control, the disturbing influence of the men’s rights movement, or unchecked mental illness. Instead, it’…

The Superficial / May 27, 2014

Holy Shit, Macaulay Culkin’s Pizza Band Is Real?

There are so many things I want to say here, but I’m pretty sure if I was molested by Michael Jackson – “allegedly” – then dumped by Mila Kunis the second she stopped being blind, I’d have jumped off a building and shot myself in the face on the way down instead of just going…

The Superficial / December 16, 2013

Hey, Macaulay Culkin, Nice Girlfriend Who Doesn’t Look Like Mila Kunis You Got There

Here’s Macaulay Culkin with his new girlfriend in Paris over the weekend, and if you’re first reaction is to freak the fuck out because she looks like Mila Kunis, keep in mind that before this he was DJing parties for tiny plastic dinosaurs. So dating someone who looks like his ex is not only perfectly…

The Superficial / November 26, 2013

Michael Jackson Allegedly Spent $35 Million On Over 24 Child Molestation Cover-Ups

If I’m reading this correctly, Michael Jackson allegedly hired infamous private investigator Anthony Pellicano to find out what children had cases against Michael and bury them. From there Pellicano allegedly hired an associate to help in his investigation who’s now talking to the media after “secret FBI files” were found that claim Michael paid out…

The Superficial / July 1, 2013

Russell Brand Tried To Bang Mila Kunis When She Was With Macaulay Culkin. It Didn’t Work.

Russell Brand has a new comedy tour to promote which requires him to do constant media appearances where he shares humorous anecdotes that hopefully people like me will repeat. Anecdotes like trying to pick up Mila Kunis only to have her say, “No, thanks, I’ll keep banging Macaulay Culkin,” so well played, chap. You stuck…

The Superficial / June 20, 2013

Macaulay Culkin Does This Now

For those of you concerned about Macaulay Culkin after seeing him look like Fire Marshall Bill, he’s all better now provided your definition of better is traipsing around Paris with painted fingernails and a pony tail while kissing men surrounded by French pastries. And if isn’t your definition, go ahead and read about the dinosaur

The Superficial / April 2, 2013

Mila Kunis Begged Macaulay Culkin To Go To Rehab While On A Boat With Ashton Kutcher

Considering Macaulay Culkin looks like this and Mila Kunis dumped him immediately after regaining her sight, it’s really not that big of a leap to assume he’s spending every waking hour eating pounds of heroin. So here’s The National Enquirer with the most unlikely, although if true, entirely reckless, report about Mila trying to get…

The Superficial / August 16, 2012

Michael Jackson Really Did A Number On Macaulay Culkin

After Mila Kunis regained her sight and realized she’d been having sex with Macaulay Culkin for eight years, he handled their break-up surprisingly well by flying to Europe and going to sex clubs for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Except one of those nights must’ve ended with him waking up naked in a room full of…

The Superficial / June 19, 2012

Macaulay Culkin: ‘I’m Not Sleeping With a Porn Star, Ya Filthy Animal’

I hate myself for that headline.
After photos surfaced online of a recently single Macaulay Culkin leaving a Barcelona sex club with porn star Irene Lopez, she apparently jumped at the chance to make sure everyone knew they’ve been doing all kinds of humping. E! News reports:
“The last time I was with him, no…

The Superficial / January 25, 2011

Macaulay Culkin Knows How to Handle a Break-Up

Despite Michael Jackson touching him in places that can only be pointed out on a teddy bear, Macaulay Culkin seems to be handling his break-up from Mila Kunis, along with the fact she was blind the entire time, surprisingly well. Here he is leaving The Bagdad Live Sex Club in Barcelona with Spanish porn star…

The Superficial / January 20, 2011

Mila Kunis Was Blind The Whole Time

Unbeknownst to anyone, Mila Kunis was secretly blind in one eye and only had her sight restored a few months ago – which is also the same time she broke up with Macualay Culkin. That’s a paint can to the balls. (Ha! Like the movie!) Via Us Magazine:
“I was blind in one eye for…

The Superficial / January 10, 2011


After years of me sacrificing first-born children at Madonna’s house praying just praying, Mila Kunis has finally broken up with Macaulay Culkin, according to Page Six:
The split was amicable, and they remain close friends,” her rep said.
A source said the couple split some time ago but has kept it low-key while Kunis promote…

The Superficial / January 3, 2011

Macaulay Culkin is Blanket’s father?

Macaulay Culkin’s penis may have provided the sperm that led to Prince Michael Jackson II being birthed by a surrogate and immediately collected by Michael Jackson’s lawyers. The Sun reports:
Now sources close to Jackson say the Thriller star asked Culkin for the donation to help him complete his “perfect” family.
The source added: “Thi…

The Superficial / August 31, 2009

Debbie Rowe’s lawyer: ‘She’s the biological mother’

This keeps getting better. Debbie Rowe’s lawyer just fired off a statement to RadarOnline stating that she is, in fact, the biological mother of Michael Jackson’s oldest children:
“We refuse to be drawn into addressing the various rumors and speculation swirling in the media. The vast majority of what is out there is untrue.

The Superficial / June 30, 2009

Macaulay Culkin’s sister killed in car accident

Macaulay Culkin’s sister Dakota died yesterday after being struck by a car Tuesday afternoon, according to TMZ:
Law enforcement sources tell us Dakota Culkin was walking on the west side of Los Angeles Tuesday when she stepped off a curb and was struck by a car. The 29-year-old Culkin was taken to the UCLA Medical…

The Superficial / December 11, 2008