Posts tagged "Jordan Bratman"

BREAKING: Christina Aguilera Can Fit Into Jeans

Since the dawn of man, Christina Aguilera has always worn black tights or dresses she can easily menstruate out of onstage. So imagine my surprise to not only see her in jeans that aren’t jeggings, but her ass actually looks.. well, her ass actually evaporated and looked better when she was fat. Wow, being a…

By: The Superficial / August 13, 2013

Christina Aguilera’s Boyfriend Won’t Be Charged With DUI

After causing a media shitstorm following their arrests last month, Christina Aguilera‘s boyfriend Matthew Rutler will not be charged with a DUI after all. Apparently his BAC came back only .06 instead of the .08 needed to be considered legally intoxicated, according to Us Magazine. My, what a convenient turn of events…

CHRISTINA:…

By: The Superficial / April 18, 2011

Jordan Bratman Still Won’t Move Out

Despite separating months ago and Christina Aguilera more than likely carrying Matthew Rutler‘s baby, Jordan Bratman is still refusing to move out of their $11.5 million mansion, according to Us Weekly. However, there are several factors to consider here before insinuating he hides in a closet, watching and weeping as his former bride receives another…

By: The Superficial / February 3, 2011

Christina Aguilera Defends Divorce

Because this won’t make her look guilty, Christina Aguilera agreed to an interview for the latest issue of People where she defended her divorce from Jordan Bratman, who apparently didn’t talk to her enough on the phone or whatever rationale she’s using:

“Things were so unhealthy and unhappy for both Jordan and me,…

By: The Superficial / December 2, 2010

Jordan Bratman Beat Christina Aguilera?

If the fact that Hans Moleman here was having sex with Christina Aguilera hasn’t been hard enough to absorb, it turns out he might’ve also been beating her making him pretty much the perfect dream man. Or at least that’s what RadarOnline seems to be implying with this report on Christina’s trip to the hospital…

By: The Superficial / October 21, 2010

Samantha Ronson is Stealing Our White Women

Just when you thought you had a crack at the now-single Christina Aguilera, word continues to pour in that Samantha Ronson already has her scorpion hooks in her because lesbians really have those. (A kid on the bus told me.) Not only was Sam spotted leaving Christina’s house the day she announced her separation from…

By: The Superficial / October 19, 2010

Christina Aguilera Was a Lesbian The Whole Time

A source for RadarOnline claims Christina Aguilera tried to pick her up at a gay bar – with Jordan Bratman in tow – for apparently such is her wont:

The source said Christina waved to her, but that she was confused because her husband Jordan was at the bar with her.
“The…

By: The Superficial / October 15, 2010

Christina Aguilera Filed for Divorce, Let’s Look at Her Pumpkins

PUNNED!

Christina Aguilera reportedly filed for divorce this morning then made her way to Mr. Bones’ Pumpkin Patch to prepare for her metamorphosis into Shauna Sand. Or at least that’s what’s happening in my head because I dare to dream:

“That’s right, show those gourds your rutabaga. They’ve been bad. Oh,…

By: The Superficial / October 14, 2010

Christina Aguilera Has Left the Mole-Man

Jesus. When it rains, it everyone gets divorces.

Seen here in June, Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman have reportedly separated and are living apart, according to Us Magazine:

“They were very much in love,” explains the insider. “But over the last six months, it ­became clear they were more like friend…

By: The Superficial / October 12, 2010

Christina Aguilera has a birthday party

Christina Aguilera went with A Clockwork Orange theme for 28th birthday at Osterria Mozza last night, and remind me to thank her for letting Jordan Bratman play dress-up, too. I was just thinking to myself the other day “It’s been way too long since my retinas burned with an intense white-hot hellfire.”

On that…

By: The Superficial / December 19, 2008

Christina Aguilera to grant Jordan Bratman second chance at intercourse

Seen here at the Grammy nominations concert, Christina Aguilera reveals in the latest issue of OK! Magazine that she’s ready to have a second baby. Apparently, Max Liron is “amazing” which everyone knows is Mommy code for “God, this kid is boring. Let’s try again and hope it’s a tail-baby!”:

Any plans for a

By: The Superficial / December 4, 2008

Christina Aguilera isn’t fooling me

Ever since her new video for “Keeps Gettin’ Better” debuted it’s become abundantly clear that Christina Aguilera isn’t dropping the baby weight anytime soon, and she’s apparently finding creative ways to mask that fact. For instance, last night Christina wore the bottom half of a Darth Vader costume then walked around with a mole creature.

By: The Superficial / November 14, 2008

Christina Aguilera takes her breasts out on the town

Christina Aguilera and her husband Jordan Bratman took the big guns out for dinner at L’Atelier de Joel Robuchon restaurant in London last night. I love how Jordan’s wearing his little tux. Goddamn adorable.

JORDAN: PEW PEW PEW! I just shot that guy with my cufflink darts.
CHRISTINA: That’s nice, dear.
JORDAN: I ca…

By: The Superficial / October 17, 2008

Christina Aguilera deserves a night out, hearts America

Christina Aguilera (Above urging you to vote or else Max Liron eats Stars N’ Stripe. Christ, I’ll do it, lady!) defended herself against critics of her nights out to the club. I mean, you try spending 24/7 with Jordan Bratman. Hour after hour of him wearing a wizard hat and playing Oblivion. It…

By: The Superficial / June 5, 2008

Christina Aguilera wants more babies (Read: Behemoth breasts here to stay)

Christina Aguilera is ready for Baby #2 and plans to turn her uterus into a Sasquatch distribution center, according to The Sun:

When asked if she wants more babies, Christina replied: “Yes, absolutely. Absolutely! Motherhood comes very naturally to me. I think a whole new confidence comes with being a mother. I feel very…

By: The Superficial / June 3, 2008

Christina Aguilera reveals her bra size (Hint: Size HUGE)

Admittedly, I give Us Weekly a lot of shit, but every once in a while they come across an exclusive that knocks my socks (and pants) off. This time the crack reporters have the inside scoop on Christina Aguilera’s bra size. I tried to beat them to the punch, but Xtina’s team took evasive actio…

By: The Superficial / May 22, 2008

Christina Aguilera has super-MILF powers unlike those of mere mortal MILFs

After a morning of heated political discussion punctuated with my undying love of Jessica Simpson’s breasts, I find it only fitting that I post something we all can agree on: Christina Aguilera and her ability to rule Planet MILF with an iron fist. Here she is getting ready to hit the club last night with…

By: The Superficial / May 15, 2008

Christina Aguilera’s boobs are shrinking! Get me the Pentagon!

Christina Aguilera’s post-pregnancy mamma-jamma’s of power (above from February) are rapidly shrinking, according to The Sun:

Like countless other celebs mums, the Dirrty star has been quick to shed the pounds after giving birth. Apparently, she has been doing a spot of boxing as well as lifting weights in a bid to…

By: The Superficial / April 9, 2008

Christina Aguilera’s husband is a flaw in the Matrix

Christina Aguilera and her husband Jordan Bratman spent a quiet evening together shopping at Babies R Us last night. Judging by their outfits, they headed home for a night of some kinky role-playing. Christina is, obviously, a 1930’s paperboy who took too much estrogen. While Jordan is, I’m guessing, Frank Zappa’s mutant love child -…

By: The Superficial / March 27, 2008

Christina Aguilera’s marriage: Seriously, how?

Christina Aguilera and her husband Jordan Bratman, King of the Mole People, had a romantic Valentine’s dinner last night at Giorgio Baldi. I’m still baffled these two reproduced. But I think I’ve got this one figured out. Originally, I believed Jordan Bratman shot $100 bills out of his penis. It was probably the most scientific…

By: The Superficial / February 15, 2008
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