Posts tagged "Johnny Depp"

Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Are Married

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard are legally married because apparently you do need that piece of paper to keep having sex with a woman who doesn't look like Willem Dafoe.

By: The Superficial / February 5, 2015

Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Belong Together Like A Scarf And 18 Bolo Ties

After seven years writing the site, I still have no idea what the hell The Art of Elysium Gala is, and if you put me on the spot, I'd say it's some sort of event specifically designed to be forgotten about not even 24 hours later because of the Golden Globes. Except this year, Johnny

By: The Superficial / January 12, 2015

Johnny Depp’s Drunk Or Something

Now that one of your most prominent childhood memories has been accused of anal rape for the 14th (15th?) time, let's get back to celebrities embarrassing themselves in public. Here's Johnny Depp presenting at the Hollywood Film Awards where he was either drunk or pretending to be drunk because he has a hot, young fiance

By: The Superficial / November 17, 2014

Jon Hamm Might Be Doctor Strange

Earlier in the week, Variety reported that Marvel wants Johnny Depp to play Doctor Strange which made sense financially considering he's already owned by Disney, but was horrible news for anyone who doesn't want to see The Sorcerer Supreme (What's a vagina?) emote via drunken eyebrows. But now comes word that Jon Hamm might be…

By: The Superficial / January 16, 2014

Tom Cruise Found A New Carbon-Based Lover

Tom Cruise brought a date to Jerry Bruckheimer's Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony yesterday because what's the point of an all-powerful, galactic space church if it can't force its slave women to pretend to be your girlfriend? More importantly, this one's shorter than Tom Cruise which means Scientology found a way to kidnap characters out…

By: The Superficial / June 25, 2013

Ke$ha Eyeball Raped Johnny Depp, That’s The Only Way To Read This

Apparently Ke$ha and Johnny Depp shared a tender moment at a recent benefit concert for Superstorm Sandy. And by tender moment I mean she thought they were fucking inside each others' eyeballs while he kept silently wondering if he was seeing frog people again. Via tooFab: "Me and Johnny Depp had eyeball sex at the…

By: The Superficial / April 3, 2013

The 55th Annual Grammy Awards

"I was told this was filled with Boston cream, not seeing any." Here's the rest of The 55th Annual Grammy Awards that doesn't involve Katy Perry's awesome breasts, Kat Dennings' almost-as-awesome breasts, evidence in Rihanna's murder or Jennifer Lopez's dress making it look like she has huge, giant testicles. Except now I've completely undersold thi…

By: The Superficial / February 11, 2013

Johnny Depp’s New Girlfriend Seems Nice

Ha! Just kidding. I'm such a scamp. Here's Jordan Carver on the set of Who Killed Johnny?, an independent film about a group of aspiring filmmakers who stumble upon the lifeless body of Johnny Depp (Played by an impersonator.) and decide to make it star in their movies because pornos are getting way too elaborate…

By: The Superficial / August 7, 2012

And Now Marilyn Manson Wants A Baby. Why Not?

"I hope How I Met Your Mother isn't a rerun tonight..." In case you were wondering just how infectious the Hollywood baby craze is getting, fucking Marilyn Manson wants to have a kid now. Yes, he tries to be cool about it and say it's just so he can watch his progeny swear, except that's

By: The Superficial / July 16, 2012

So Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Is Happening

I shall call them, "Jamber." Rumors have been flying that Johnny Depp left Vanessa Paradis for Amber Heard which got even worse last week when word got out that he bought her a horse even though rich people buy each other crazy shit all the time and Amber Heard has a girlfriend. Or at least…

By: The Superficial / June 27, 2012

BREAKING: Johnny Depp Confirms He’s Single

Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis reportedly split months ago, but then they both spent the time since then either denying it or cleverly hinting at it, so no one knew what the fuck even though he banged an Olsen twin and somehow lived to tell the tale. Except out of nowhere today, Johnny's publicist just…

By: The Superficial / June 19, 2012

Johnny Depp ‘Adopted’ By Comanche Nation

"Wait. For real? Like the baking powder?" While Johnny Depp may or may not have based part of his Tonto performance on Marilyn Manson, he definitely based it off a painting by an artist who literally just makes up his own Indian outfits because his historical research stops around, "Eh, they probably liked birds." But…

By: The Superficial / May 22, 2012

And Welcome To The Exact Moment Johnny Depp Told Native Americans To Eat A Dick

There's no way we don't have to give them an entire state now. Just.. goddammit, Johnny Depp. Photo: People

By: The Superficial / April 20, 2012

Natalie Portman & Johnny Depp Signed The Word ‘Tampon’ In Paul McCartney’s New Video. Whoops.

Last week, the new video for Paul McCartney's "My Valentine" was released, and everyone tripped over themselves to say how awesome Johnny Depp and Natalie Portman were for signing the lyrics. It was a veritable hipster orgasm all over a tweed jacket of smug satisfaction. Turns out nobody bothered to consult an actual deaf perso…

By: The Superficial / April 19, 2012

Johnny Depp Banged An Olsen Twin, Is Gonna Die

Posted by Photo Boy It wasn't long ago that the world was robbed of an amazing actor at the hands of muppet vagina - Easy, Jason Segel. - so we should all be alarmed not only by my irresponsible comparison of Heath Ledger (awesome) and Johnny Depp (used to be awesome), but also by a…

By: Photo Boy / March 22, 2012

Vanessa Paradis Really Hates Johnny Depp

Adding... AHHH! Seen here at last night's premiere of her new movie, Croissants: The Musical Cafe De Flore, Vanessa Paradis at some point clearly laughed in Johnny Depp's face when he suggested they stay together because they're "soulmates" which is really the only way to interpret this quote. Via RadarOnline: "Cafe De Flore speaks of…

By: The Superficial / January 24, 2012

Johnny Depp Is Definitely Single

A few weeks back we posted that Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis were calling it quits, but like anything we post, it could've very easily been complete bullshit. I probably would've guaranteed it. Except now PEOPLE's running with their break-up on its cover, so there's really never been a better time for anyone in LA…

By: The Superficial / January 18, 2012

Johnny Depp Might Be Single

Possibly because banging Willem Dafoe gets boring after a while - To the 1% anyway, amirite, occupiers? - Johnny Depp is reportedly breaking things off with long-time girlfriend Vanessa Paradis and talking to lawyers about how much of his Pirates of the Caribbean booty (Kill me. Please kill me.) she's going to make off with…

By: The Superficial / January 6, 2012

Johnny Depp Apologizes For Rape Comparison

"My bad, yo. Damn, this pocket watch makes me look pimp, right? *Publicist tears out hair* Aww, what now?!" Posted by Photo Boy In case you fell off the face of the earth yesterday or just chose to not give a shit about how Johnny Depp has tried to bump his next movie over the…

By: Photo Boy / October 5, 2011

Johnny Depp Reminds Everyone Why He Doesn’t Do a Lot of Interviews

Posted by Photo Boy Johnny Depp is notoriously reclusive when it comes to the media, in particular interviews and in light of his upcoming interview in Vanity Fair it seems he's not without good reason. According to The Huffington Post via The NY Post, Johnny has a specific problem with photoshoots: Well, you just feel…

By: Photo Boy / October 4, 2011
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