Posts tagged "Jessica Simpson"

Jessica Simpson Has Legs? HOLY SHIT

Just to give you an idea of how rough it's going to be over the next few days, Jessica Simpson's legs are a top story right now. A human woman possessing two lower limbs. That's the news right now. Not the fact that Jessica Simpson's letting everyone know she's …
By: The Superficial / December 22, 2014

Someone Invited Jessica Simpson To ‘The Hunger Games’ Premiere

The Hunger Games is about a dystopian future where the rich eat all of the food leaving the poor to starve unless they shoot each other in the dicks with bows and arrows. Those words also describe every Tuesday night at the Chili's near Jessica Simpson's house. Are you seeing the …
By: The Superficial / November 18, 2014

It’s Jessica Simpson’s Breasts And Other News

- Kate Mara doing a Rust Cohle impression? You got me. [Lainey Gossip] - Frankie Grande's face when he loses Big Brother is priceless. [Dlisted] - The best responses to Ken Jennings' asshole tweet about the handicapped. [The Mighty] - These Dresses Couldn't Be Any Tighter If They Tried …
By: The Superficial / September 26, 2014

Jessica Simpson’s Baby Is High As Shit

Everybody shut up about everything: Eric Johnson throwing Jessica Simpson's baby 80 feet in the air is your new shiny object. Is it the cutest thing ever, or the launchpad for a thousand mommy blog posts on child tossing? The world's your oyster here. As for me, I'm using it to …
By: The Superficial / September 24, 2014

Jessica Simpson’s Breasts Commercial Has Breasts

Jessica Simpson's breasts breast Breastica Breast Breastson breast breasts signature fragrance breast video commercial breasts made breasts with breasts in them and the breasts were like breasts. Big ol' titties. Breast breast. THE SUPERBREASTAL | Abreast • Facebreast • Titter …
By: The Superficial / August 18, 2014

That’s Jessica Johnson To You

Because weird Instagram photos that she actually thinks are sexy is Jessica Simpson's new bag, here she is announcing to the word that she's Jessica Johnson now. Which seems sad at first, until you realize there's no possible way anyone could've explained what a mark is without …
By: The Superficial / July 15, 2014

Jessica Simpson Got Married

Because I work in celebrity gossip, I'm obligated to inform you that Jessica Simpson married Eric Johnson this weekend who apparently couldn't content himself with buckets of child support from two kids, and had to go for the alimony, too. Somewhere, Kevin Federline just saluted by holding …
By: The Superficial / July 6, 2014

Good Morning, Jessica Simpson, And Other News

- Jennifer Lopez admits she used to pick out Ben Affleck's outfits. [Lainey Gossip] - One of the Duggar kids got married, so congratulations, America. Our population just doubled. [Dlisted] - A Woman's Back Is A Beautiful Thing [theCHIVE] - Whoever's doing this shit to Chrissy Teigen should be …
By: The Superficial / June 23, 2014

Good Morning, Jessica Simpson’s Short Shorts, And Other News

- Ben Affleck is counting cards in Canada while filming Batman V Superman: Dawn of Holy Shit, This Title's Way Too Long. [Lainey Gossip] - Allow me, Anna Kendrick: I want to pee in your butt. (Nailed it.) [Dlisted] - Building The Bikini Bridge [theCHIVE] - Kaley Cuoco's marriage …
By: The Superficial / June 12, 2014

There’s The Jessica Simpson I Remember

If it seems like I keep going back and forth between thinking Jessica Simpson looks fucking fantastic and terrifying, you're already putting way too much mental energy into a post that's 800% about her boob window. Case in point: All these words are just to make it …
By: The Superficial / June 9, 2014

Let’s Talk About Jessica Simpson’s Instagram

Early this morning, Jessica Simpson posted two swimsuit photos of her new skinny body which are way more disturbing than they are sexy because her legs are dying. They're dead. Even worse, they draw your attention to Jessica Simpson's Instagram account which is a terrifying shitshow of …
By: The Superficial / May 27, 2014

Jessica Simpson’s Breasts Won The White House Correspondents’ Dinner

In honor of Bill Clinton, we're going to get in and out of the White House Correspondents' Dinner as soon as I figure out where its vagina is so I can stash this cigar. (Also, Barack Obama didn't make with the weekly handjobs so I'd denounce Jesus Christ as …
By: The Superficial / May 5, 2014

Jessica Simpson Looks F*cking Fantastic

So remember the other day when I geeked out over Jessica Simpson's legs? That wasn't me. That was somebody else. I don't even know what a blog is. What I do know is how to order Chili's take-out and might even have some right here. Just right here sitting on my desk with …
By: The Superficial / April 15, 2014

Jesus Christ, Jessica Simpson’s Legs

When we last left Jessica Simpson in January, she was looking noticeably skinnier, so it was only a matter of time until that all ended and she returned to being a tater skin girl in a kale world. Except here she is somehow looking even thinner albeit to the …
By: The Superficial / March 24, 2014

Jessica Simpson Is Still Skinny

A surprisingly skinnier, less jolly, Jessica Simpson appeared on GMA yesterday morning to promote Weight Watchers, so there's no way that would last after some dude with a blowtorch got her out of that dress. Except here she is still looking noticeably thinner instead of …
By: The Superficial / January 8, 2014

Jessica Simpson (Appears To Have) Lost Weight

Barely a month ago, Jessica Simpson was sucking her gut in on a red carpet as I told her to run free and be the Chili's girl her secretly gay father who was still legitimately obsessed with her breasts raised her to be. Except here she is on …
By: The Superficial / January 7, 2014

Just Go, Jessica Simpson, Be Free

Jessica Simpson, you don't have to do this to yourself anyway. You're a Chili's girl trapped in a sushi and heroin chic world. Everyone knows it, and that's okay. It's who you are. Also what you are is crazy fucking rich. You shouldn't have to stand on another red carpet sucking and pushing …
By: The Superficial / December 4, 2013

Programming Note: Jessica Simpson’s Huge Lactating Breasts Are Still Huge

Posted by Photo Boy A lot of you have threatened to jump off bridges if Fish doesn't somehow fold in penis jokes and comic book references into his Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison broke up souffle. I apologize for the sad state that you find your lives in, but since it allows me …
By: Photo Boy / November 4, 2013

Ace Johnson Has Landed

Jessica Simpson should really send Kim Kardashian a Thank You card because I completely forgot there was another pregnant woman out there. Also, she wasn't comically huge this time and barely showed her breasts. Legally I could've declared her dead. People reports: The Fashion Star mentor, 32, and her fiancĂ©, …
By: The Superficial / July 1, 2013

Nick Lachey Doesn’t Miss ‘Playing Grab-Ass’ With Joe Simpson

Nick Lachey was on Watch What Happens Live last night where during a round of "Plead The Fifth" Andy Cohen asked him what's the best thing about not having Joe Simpson as a father-in-law anymore? While his brother Drew had a more broad answer, Nick went right for the jugular or whatever …
By: The Superficial / May 8, 2013
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