More JWoww stories

Goddammit, Rocky, Your Mom Cher Said Not To Leave The House

I would’ve also accepted, “Wait, where’s his little red tricycle?” which was Photo Boy’s contribution: … More »

JWoww Has Birthed

If anyone still cares about the survivors of Jersey Shore, somehow JWoww gave birth to a baby girl despite being made of enough space-age polymer to go on a moon mission. And for those of you keeping track of the apocalypse, Snooki’s second baby should be here shortly bringing the horsemen count to three, so… More »

Zac Efron Might Be Your New Marvel Person

Last year, Latino Review reported that Zac Efron and Ryan Gosling were up for the roles of Han Solo and/or Luke Skywalker’s son(s) which did not happen at all. But this time, they’re super serious that Zac Efron has met with Marvel about playing.. something. Unleash The Speculator!

We can exclusively report that… More »

The 2014 MTV Movie Awards

Here’s the rest of The 2014 MTV Movie Awards which you’ll quickly notice is mostly Rita Ora’s cleavage, and for some odd reason, an almost equal amount of Zac Efron shirtless which was a typo. I have no idea how those got there, or why I tried to wash my clothes on them. I should… More »

JWoww’s Pregnant If Anyone Gives A Shit

On an episode of Jersey Shore, JWoww’s fiance Roger Matthews once shoved her to the ground during a drunken night out, so it’ll probably warm your Christmas heart to know that they’re having a baby! Hurray! Because if there’s one thing having kids does it’s make every single moment of every single day relaxing and… More »

Pauly D Has A Love Child

“Shit, is that a meteor? Did I do that?!”

I used to always joke that Jersey Shore was the more responsible show than Teen Mom because at least the spray-tanned guidos weren’t actively shitting kids into the gene pool. But then Snooki ruined all that, and now Pauly D has confirmed he knocked… More »

Is There A Reason Hayden Panettiere’s Having Sex With JWoww In The Ocean?

“Please, I just want to get drunk with my friends. Why are you doing this?!”
“I’m the Leprechaun! Heeheehohoho!”

NOTE: I respect that the real and “factual” story here is Hayden getting her misspelled tattoo removed, but I still think it’s important to focus on the leprechaun rape. We can’t… More »

Snooki Changes Form Like A Pokemon. Oh, Good.

Now that we’re free of such annoying burdens as debating whether it’s right or wrong to shoot black kids for not letting you walk up to them in the dark with a vendetta – We’re (mostly) white. What do we care, amirite? – let’s take a moment to fully appreciate whatever the hell it is… More »

The 2013 MTV Movie Awards

The 2013 MTV Movie Awards were last night and literally all you need to know is Selena Gomez looked phenomenal/was the only one from Spring Breakers who showed up while Jennifer Lawrence’s breasts didn’t even bother, Melanie Iglesias suddenly became important, Snooki and JWoww looked like goddamn wax monsters, and everyone’s supposed to believe AubreyMore »

JWoww’s Franken-Tits Demand Equality

If you’re a fierce supporter of gay rights, I bring you glad tidings, because here’s JWoww’s scarred block boobs finally putting an end to hatred and oppression with her personally designed duct tape bra. Because apparently these things take more thought and coordination then, “Eh, just slap it over my nips,” but more importantly, there’s… More »

JWoww’s Side Boob Looks Natural, Healthy

Atlantic City was recently listed in Forbes as one of America’s Most Miserable Cities which I’m sure had absolutely nothing to do with JWoww’s scarred, rhombus side-tit showing up at local casinos. “We actually like that,” local residents said. “For a fiver, she’ll even let you rest on a drink on them. Or the head… More »

Holy Shit, We Can Post Stuff To The Internet

Hey, everybody, The Superficial Writer. Not sure if you remember me.

As some of you have noticed, the site epically shat the bed today and only now at 6:30 PM EST have we finally been able to make a post which we’ll be the first to say is goddamn ridiculous. Fortunately, we already… More »

And JWoww’s Ass Just Doomed The New Year

Here’s JWoww at The New Year’s Rockin’ Eve Monday night where she decided to greet 2013 with her ass cheeks flailing in the wind. Then again, this may have been what warded off the various apocalypses. Does “Help, I’m being mugged! Why are you just looking out your window and not calling the police?” mean… More »

JWoww’s Fiance Seems Nice

Apparently, people are getting bent out of shape about JWoww’s then-boyfriend, now-fiance Roger Matthews shoving her down on the latest More »

MTV Cancelled ‘Jersey Shore’

You might say they jet-packed the shark. — I’ll go kill myself now.

Speaking of New Jersey being the pride of America, MTV has finally decided to pull the plug on Jersey Shore which is really the only acceptable response to one of these kids successfully reproducing that doesn’t involve a shotgun and… More »

Snooki Worries She’ll Be A Bad Mom, Calls Lamaze ‘Bullsh*t’

In a new interview with In Touch, Snooki reveals she’s worried about being a bad mom even though she’s technically been one the minute she decided to carry a child to term inside her Stromboli box. She shouldn’t be worrying as much as preparing for how horribly she’s going to ruin this kid, is my… More »

Public Service Announcement: Herpes is Airborne Now. Repeat. Herpes is Airborne Now.

“And so, gentlemen, what I propose is this: We take young men and women of ill repute who have over time acquired a myriad of diseases transmitted from intercourse, adorn them in provocative swimwear so as to be pleasing to the eye and then give them all jetpacks. From there, America’s shores will crumble pavingMore »

JWoww Wants To Get Pregnant, Too

If you thought the worst thing that could happen as a result of Snooki getting pregnant is that her child will eventually learn what his mother is, well.. okay, you’re right. Shut up. But the second worst thing that could happen is she makes the other walking piles of greasy melanoma in the Jersey Shore… More »

JWoww & Snooki Wore Bikinis. Pregnant Snooki.

Here’s JWoww and Snooki filming their Jersey Shore spinoff, Ah, Fuck, The Danny DeVito One’s Pregnant in Cancun over the weekend which I’ll just assume was supposed to be an episode about the two of them getting whore-hammered with spring breakers until one of them had to go and find out the hard way peeingMore »

And Here’s The Snooki’s Pregnant Cover

Like clockwork here’s the Us Weekly cover confirming Snooki’s pregnancy and engagement even though she basically already did that by walking around with a giant rock on her finger Monday night. At any rate, here’s how Snooki plans to shat out her fur-baby and spend its first moments of life. Via Hollywood Life:

More »

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