Posts tagged "Eric Johnson"

Jessica Simpson Apparently Saw ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’

Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson star in #FIFTYSHADESOFJOHNSON. (Yup, you just read that.)…
By: The Superficial / February 16, 2015

Someone Invited Jessica Simpson To ‘The Hunger Games’ Premiere

The Hunger Games is about a dystopian future where the rich eat all of the food leaving the poor to starve unless they shoot each other in the dicks with bows and arrows. Those words also describe every Tuesday night at the Chili's near Jessica Simpson's house. Are you seeing the…
By: The Superficial / November 18, 2014

Jessica Simpson’s Baby Is High As Shit

Everybody shut up about everything: Eric Johnson throwing Jessica Simpson's baby 80 feet in the air is your new shiny object. Is it the cutest thing ever, or the launchpad for a thousand mommy blog posts on child tossing? The world's your oyster here. As for me, I'm using it to…
By: The Superficial / September 24, 2014

That’s Jessica Johnson To You

Because weird Instagram photos that she actually thinks are sexy is Jessica Simpson's new bag, here she is announcing to the word that she's Jessica Johnson now. Which seems sad at first, until you realize there's no possible way anyone could've explained what a mark is without…
By: The Superficial / July 15, 2014

Jessica Simpson Got Married

Because I work in celebrity gossip, I'm obligated to inform you that Jessica Simpson married Eric Johnson this weekend who apparently couldn't content himself with buckets of child support from two kids, and had to go for the alimony, too. Somewhere, Kevin Federline just saluted by holding…
By: The Superficial / July 6, 2014

Good Morning, Jessica Simpson, And Other News

- Jennifer Lopez admits she used to pick out Ben Affleck's outfits. [Lainey Gossip] - One of the Duggar kids got married, so congratulations, America. Our population just doubled. [Dlisted] - A Woman's Back Is A Beautiful Thing [theCHIVE] - Whoever's doing this shit to Chrissy Teigen should be…
By: The Superficial / June 23, 2014

There’s The Jessica Simpson I Remember

If it seems like I keep going back and forth between thinking Jessica Simpson looks fucking fantastic and terrifying, you're already putting way too much mental energy into a post that's 800% about her boob window. Case in point: All these words are just to make it…
By: The Superficial / June 9, 2014

Let’s Talk About Jessica Simpson’s Instagram

Early this morning, Jessica Simpson posted two swimsuit photos of her new skinny body which are way more disturbing than they are sexy because her legs are dying. They're dead. Even worse, they draw your attention to Jessica Simpson's Instagram account which is a terrifying shitshow of…
By: The Superficial / May 27, 2014

Jessica Simpson’s Breasts Won The White House Correspondents’ Dinner

In honor of Bill Clinton, we're going to get in and out of the White House Correspondents' Dinner as soon as I figure out where its vagina is so I can stash this cigar. (Also, Barack Obama didn't make with the weekly handjobs so I'd denounce Jesus Christ a…
By: The Superficial / May 5, 2014

Jessica Simpson Looks F*cking Fantastic

So remember the other day when I geeked out over Jessica Simpson's legs? That wasn't me. That was somebody else. I don't even know what a blog is. What I do know is how to order Chili's take-out and might even have some right here. Just right here sitting on my desk with…
By: The Superficial / April 15, 2014

Programming Note: Jessica Simpson’s Huge Lactating Breasts Are Still Huge

Posted by Photo Boy A lot of you have threatened to jump off bridges if Fish doesn't somehow fold in penis jokes and comic book references into his Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison broke up souffle. I apologize for the sad state that you find your lives in, but since it allows me…
By: Photo Boy / November 4, 2013

Ace Johnson Has Landed

Jessica Simpson should really send Kim Kardashian a Thank You card because I completely forgot there was another pregnant woman out there. Also, she wasn't comically huge this time and barely showed her breasts. Legally I could've declared her dead. People reports: The Fashion Star mentor, 32, and her fiancĂ©,…
By: The Superficial / July 1, 2013

Jessica Simpson’s Mom Was Literally Going To Shoot Her Dad After He Came Out of The Closet

So Jessica Simpson's mom Tina allegedly wrote a suicide note spelling out her intentions to shoot Joe Simpson then herself shortly after he came out of the closet and filed for divorce, according to RadarOnline: Shortly before traveling to New York to confront Joe, 52, about his tryst with 21-year-old…
By: The Superficial / April 9, 2013

Jessica Simpson’s Going To Have A Third Baby

During an interview with Ryan Seacrest this morning, Jessica Simpson tried to pretend she's not going to try to have a third baby but couldn't even fool herself. Via E! News: "I really hope that it stops," the Fashion Star mentor told Ryan Seacrest on his KIIS-FM radio program when the…
By: The Superficial / March 6, 2013

Ace Johnson. Jessica Simpson’s Naming Her Unborn Son Ace Johnson.

Considering she basically named her daughter Maxi-Pad, I just assumed Jessica Simpson would name her unborn son Kotex Tamponstick III and call it a day. Except apparently she's decided to go the less-traveled route of porn star fighter pilot. Us Weekly reports: "[She's] told people she's going to name the baby…
By: The Superficial / February 20, 2013

So Who Wants To See The Sex of Jessica Simpson’s Baby?

Do they make "It's A Spiral-Ham!" cigars? Because now would be a good time to start. Photos: Fame/Flynet, Pacific Coast News, Splash New…
By: The Superficial / February 15, 2013

Papa Joe & Eric Johnson in ‘The Bike Ride’

"Wouldcha feel better if I pretended to love Jessica's big ol' double D's again?" *pedals into traffic* Photos: INFdaily…
By: The Superficial / January 7, 2013

This Post Was About Kate Winslet Getting Married, Then This Happened

Posted by Photo Boy Kate Winslet secretly wed something called 'Ned Rocknroll' earlier this month, so let's all go ahead and assume that's just a hairdoll made from Leonardo DiCaprio's beard trimmings and move on to a much more pressing matter. That pic up there. Yep, that's Jessica Simpson's husband,…
By: Photo Boy / December 27, 2012

Jessica Simpson In ‘The Hungry Bridesmaid':
A Superficial Caption Gallery

As promised, here's Jessica Simpson at best friend CaCee Cobb and Donald Faison's wedding on Saturday where Zach Braff clearly got shafted with the unenviable task of making sure no one got slathered in barbecue sauce and eaten behind a woodshed. On that note, we captioned the jowls out of thi…
By: The Superficial / December 17, 2012

Jessica Simpson: ‘If I’m So Pregnant, Then How Do You Explain This Purse?! Dunn Dunn Dunnnnnn!’

Despite the fact she openly started having sex immediately after giving birth so she can return to the delicious, comforting buffet of pregnancy and Weight Watchers hate her now, here's Jessica Simpson seriously trying to hide the deep-fried bun in her oven with a purse even though she's looked perpetually pregnant…
By: The Superficial / December 13, 2012
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