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Beyoncé Looking Like She Pooped Is Something You Just Clicked On

The fanciest Beyonce Super Bowl post you’ll read all day. More »


Gwyneth Paltrow Actually Thinks She Broke The Internet

GOOP be GOOPing. More »


Ha! Isn’t Jennifer Lawrence Wacky?

Oh, that wacky Jennifer Lawrence. She’s just like us! More »



Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin Will Bed Their New Lovers Together

Gwyneth Paltrow is planning a couple’s vacation with Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence because your common divorce is dogshit upon her boot. More »


Gwyneth Paltrow Is Now A Simple Commoner With A Commoner’s Divorce

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin signed divorce papers. They’re one of us now. More »


Gwyneth Paltrow Is Still Having Sex With Someone, Too, You Guys

On the heels of Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence revealing they’re still dating, Gwyneth Paltrow goes public with her new boyfriend, too, because ‘conscious uncoupling’ totally wasn’t a crock of shit. More »



Jennifer Lawrence & Chris Martin Are Still F*cking

Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin are apparently still dating. More »


Chris Martin’s Probably Banging Kate Hudson

Chris Martin and Kate Hudson were spotted at the beach together where she waved her ass in a bikini in front of his face because friends do that. More »


No Shit Gwyneth Paltrow Broke Up Chris Martin & Jennifer Lawrence

The very second Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin broke up, it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out it probably had to do with the woman he’s technically still married to who also has a giant ego that’s about to get her face baked into a quiche. So let’s get this other with. Via… More »



Jennifer Lawrence & Chris Martin Stopped F*cking

Presumably because Gwyneth Paltrow keeps Chris Martin’s balls firmly ensconced in a hand-carved Sri Lankan testicle cuplet ($799.95, GOOP), his conscious coupling with Jennifer Lawrence’s vagina has transcended this plane of reality, according to E! News. Plus it’s not like he can’t see her naked anytime he wan- what? We’re all thinking it. And I’m… More »


Gwyneth Paltrow Still Has Chris Martin Whipped

Chris Martin’s consciously uncoupled life may seem awesome, and full of Jennifer Lawrence’s vagina, but at the end of the day, Gwyneth Paltrow is apparently still in control of his schedule. Which still affords him time to bang Jennifer Lawrence, so already this post is on shaky ground. We’re off to a good start. DailyMore »


Gwyneth Paltrow Did The Ice Bucket Challenge In A Bikini, Nominates Chris Martin

With the exception of Katy Perry, and probably a few others I’m too lazy to Google, most celebrities recognize this is for charity and have been keeping their Ice Bucket Challenges relatively tame which is probably why I hate them so much. Except here’s Gwyneth Paltrow doing hers in a bikini because she has the… More »



Jennifer Lawrence Is Banging Chris Martin, Gwyneth Paltrow’s Chris Martin

“Who’s gettin’ GOOPed now, bitch? WHA?”

Gwyneth Paltrow is a wound tight, meticulous of curator macrobiotic living filtered through a sexy, breezy pashmina that only costs $25,000, so any single, working mom can afford it. Jennifer Lawrence… well, Jennifer Lawrence doesn’t give a fuck. She’ll fart, burp, make a demon face on the… More »


Chris Martin Quit Being A Vegetarian

“Hey, how you doin’? I can eat burgers now. *returns to call* So, anyway, she’s all ‘Who put the bloody doilies next to the bloody quinoa sifter?’ And I’m like, ‘Bitch, fuck your doilies! I want chicken nuggets.’ — Okay, that didn’t happen. But I thought it.”

Much like America celebrates its independence… More »


Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin Are Probably Back Together Already

While your pedestrian separation was a pauper’s poorbox that ended with your husband realizing he’d rather live in a one bedroom efficiency that smells of various beefs and jerkies than spend another minute with you, Gwyneth Paltrow’s conscious uncoupling has poured rose-hued, spiritually rejuvenating tea into the Croatian hand cups of her marriage, according to… More »



Chris Martin Is Banging Alexa Chung Already

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin announced their conscious uncoupling barely two months ago, so that’s more than enough time for him to start up showing up at bars with Alexa Chung. Radar reports:

An eyewitness noticed the Brits together in a New York City bar on May 6, and as the couple got… More »


Chris Martin Cheated On Gwyneth Paltrow With A Lowly Commoner

While Gwyneth Paltrow had the quiet poise and sophistication to conduct her affairs with captains of industry, Chris Martin has reportedly debased himself by sleeping with a common peasant. Page Six reports:

NBC staff have been buzzing about an affair Martin had after appearing as the musical guest on “Saturday Night Live” in… More »


Gwyneth Paltrow’s Conscious Uncoupling Was A Smokescreen? The F*ck You Say?!

You might want to sit down for this. So you know how Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin announced they were consciously uncoupling making it look like they’re both super cool, meditative people whose marriage is on a deep, spiritual journey high above yours? Turns out they might have done that so you don’t find out… More »



Gwyneth Paltrow Thanks You For Your Support

To us, the poor and downtrodden, it would seem like the entire Internet had a field day with Gwyneth Paltrow announcing she’s consciously uncoupled from Chris Martin and quitting acting because it’s much, much harder than being a mother who works 9 to 5. Except we’re seeing things through a plebeian paradigm of noncelestial happenstance… More »


Gwyneth Paltrow Is Metaphysically Unaligning Herself From Thespiatic Endeavors

Now that she’s consciously uncoupled from Chris Martin because divorce is what you, the little people, do (I bet you don’t even buy each other uncoupling gifts, you unwashed beggar’s bazaar.) Gwyneth Paltrow will now transcendentally acquit herself of acting and don’t say quit or she’ll stab you with her gilded pheasant deboning knife. E! More »


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