More Captions stories

Courtney Stodden & Doug Hutchison Are Engaged Again Despite Never Getting Divorced

Courtney Stodden has been rapidly fading from relevancy yet is remarkably determined to not just throw in the towel and do porn which makes her a better person than Farrah Abraham. Then again, so is this bagel. Anyway, in a successful (because I’m a cheap clickwhore) Hail Mary pass to get back in the press,… More »

Marky Mark Wants To Be Iron Man

“Hey, Jahvis. Wanna know why my ahms shoot freakin’ laser beams?
Because I don’t masturbate.” *skreeeeee-BOOOSH*

In a recent interview, Mark Wahlberg revealed that he’d love to be the next Iron Man which is, of course, ridiculous on its face because Tony Stahk ain’t no freakin’ Southie. Even more ridiculous is why… More »

Jessica Simpson In ‘The Hungry Bridesmaid’:
A Superficial Caption Gallery

As promised, here’s Jessica Simpson at best friend CaCee Cobb and Donald Faison’s wedding on Saturday where Zach Braff clearly got shafted with the unenviable task of making sure no one got slathered in barbecue sauce and eaten behind a woodshed. On that note, we captioned the jowls out of this gallery because almost every… More »

Courtney Stodden Sometimes Calls Doug ‘Dad,’ He Says He’s ‘Raising’ His Wife. Perfectly Healthy.

Dads do this.

Because the entire point of this whole child-bride charade was to land them a reality show, Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchinson made their debut on VH1’s Couples Therapy 2 this week where apparently they couldn’t decide between just blatantly admitting they’re putting on a show or sticking to their plan… More »

Usher Truly Is The New Michael

Very, very rarely do I hesitate before pushing Publish on a post. This is one of those times. Here’s Usher in Atlanta yesterday using his sizable fame and fortune to genuinely help children in Atlanta which I, some asshole on the Internet, felt the need to add horrible, horrible captions to. However, keep in mind,… More »

John Travolta Showed His Vampire Face In Public

It’s been a month since John Travolta was accused of trying to coerce and/or pay every male massage therapist in the industry to have sex with his butt in a completely heterosexual fashion, so here he is making his first public appearance at The AFI Lifetime Achievement awards last night which more than likely means… More »

Alexander Skarsgard Impregnated The Entire Hollywood Premiere of ‘Battleship’

Much like Alexander Skarsgard’s penis when set to “Stun-Fuck,” I’ll get right to the chase: Here he is at last night’s Hollywood premiere of Battleship which we added horrible captions to, and as always, a little ditty to set the mood.

Dig in.

Photos: Bauer-Griffin, Fame/Flynet, Getty,More »

If It Was Punchable, The Hulk Punched It:
A Review of ‘The Avengers’

“Seriously, guys, tell me that flying boat ride wasn’t awesome. It even had a pirate with an eye patch! A black pirate, but that’s okay ’cause this is the future.”

So last summer, I decided to spice things up because, frankly, you used to be way freakier before we moved in together. This… More »

George Clooney Got Arrested

George Clooney was arrested in Washington, DC today for protesting outside the Sudanese embassy, except none of that’s even scandalous at all because he wanted to get arrested to bring exposure to his cause and was smiling the whole time. But what is important is that I’ve discovered George Clooney testifying to a senate hearing… More »

Things I Learned From Courtney Stodden’s Valentine’s Day Bikini Photos

Because the world needs a new Heidi & Spencer-esque couple with a hint of statutory rape now more than ever, here’s Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchinson posing for a Valentine’s Day-themed photo shoot that is not only disgustingly hilarious, but probably the most insightful look into their relationship since he banged her in a pumpkinMore »

Crime’s Fate Is In Mel Gibson’s Hands Now

“AND IT WILL BLOW ME! — If it pleases the court.”

According to TMZ, Mel Gibson is currently in court to be a prospective juror which should scare the living shit out of any minorities thinking about committing a crime because – surprise – you’re already guilty of it. Anyway, because Tuesday’s are… More »

Mel Gibson Made Another Baby

Because vasectomies make the Baby Jesus cry, Mel Gibson has reportedly knocked up another woman despite going through a horrific custody battle with Oksana Grigorieva that exposed him as a violent, baby-punching racist hell-bent on getting his wang mouth-loved or he makes with the arson. RadarOnline reports:

A close insider says that Bellizzi… More »

A Suggestion From Alexander Skarsgard

NOTE: I also took the liberty of adding captions to these which I can almost guarantee aren’t funny as much as they give Alexander Skarsgard a weird accent and continue my assertion that he’s a raging sex offender unencumbered by Victorian sensibilities.

Photos: Bauer-GriffinMore »

Sarah Palin Used To Do Coke, Black Guys

Putting her opposition to Obama in perspective, Sarah Palin reportedly banged basketball star, and more importantly to her fanbase, not-white guy Glen Rice shortly before marrying Todd and becoming snowmobiling cokeheads. So basically the most believable shit you’ll ever read in your life. RadarOnline reports:

The book, which is due to be published… More »

The Superficial Presents: ‘The Avengers,’ A Tale of Dumb Face and Peppercorn

It’s been a long, long time since I’ve done a caption gallery this large. In fact, it’s been so many years that the old ones didn’t even survive the migration from Movable Type to WordPress, essentially flushing hours upon hours of my life down the Internet toilet. Ahahahaha! *cries curled up in the shower forMore »

Mel Gibson Made Court Faces Again

Mel Gibson was in court this morning for reasons that aren’t really important, so just assume he somehow managed to only pay Oksana Grigorieva a settlement that’s a shart in the bucket to him because the California court system is afraid of getting Third Reich’d in the face. Because that’s exactly what happened. What is… More »

Samuel L. Jackson Golfing is What’s Been Missing From My Life

Because I clearly suffer from a mental deficiency, I just spent the past 90 minutes coming up with captions for these random pics of Samuel L. Jackson at a two-day charity golf event in England. Because after you look at them, there’s no way you can sit there and not imagine him saying “motherfucker” in… More »

Casey Anthony Ready To Start A New Life Wearing Disguises With a Fake Name

When Casey Anthony gets out of jail on the 17th, she’s about to be exposed to an entire country wanting her dead even though it’s pretty obvious a higher power had it out for Caylee. But as clever as she is a compulsive liar, Casey plans to become a master of disguise, according to the… More »

Casey Anthony is Too Controversial For Porn. Really?

Seen here having a goddamn blast at her sentencing hearing today, and why wouldn’t she? She’ll be out next week. Casey Anthony’s career in porn is over just as soon as it began which seems to happen a lot when sex is involved. At least to me because I’m so good at at it. TMZMore »

Josh Duhamel Banged Megan Fox

Call me a master detective on par with Batman – I’m serious, specifically call me that. – but I don’t know how else you interpret this quote from Josh Duhamel to mean anything but he also had sex with Megan Fox on the set of Transformers, most likely just before Shia LaBeouf became a man. More »

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