Bertney Stories


There is no Bertney, only Bratney. And Hillary Clinton.

The Superficial | February 19, 2016 - 2:00 pm

Bertney Meets Jell-O

Bertney meets superstar performer Jell-O, but soon learns a terrible secret from Mr. Orange Flappy Hair when he arrives all the way from Bullshit Village.

The Superficial | September 11, 2015 - 1:15 pm

Bertney Meets The Man-Lady

When Jayden tells Bertney all about a man that changes into woman, Bertney sets out on a grand adventure to see this strange creature for herself.

The Superficial | July 17, 2015 - 10:00 am

Bertney’s Fancy Night Out

Bertney’s a robot. She’s a fancy pretty robot.

The Superficial | May 18, 2015 - 12:45 pm

Bertney Meets Miss Iggy

Bertney makes a special new friend while shooting a music video. Her name is Iggy!

The Superficial | April 10, 2015 - 1:37 pm

Bertney Learns Maths

Bertney has to help Sean with his pre-algebra homework, but she doesn’t know what any of those words mean. And who’s Sean?

The Superficial | March 27, 2015 - 11:45 am

Bertney & The Amazing Computer Magicked Bikini

Bertney And The Amazing Computer Magicked Berkini Belly
A Positive Reinforcement Reader

It was a very special day for Bertney. She was at the courthouse seeing the nice old judge who always had the best news to tell Papa.
“Well, Mr. Spears,” the judge said from his very tall wooden seat.

The Superficial | December 17, 2014 - 3:33 pm

Bertney’s Turkey Durkey Day!

Bertney’s Turkey Durkey Day!
A Guide To Healthy Eating

Bertney loved Thanksgiving.
“It’s a whole day where I give food presents to my mouth!” she excitedly told a can of whipped cream the caterers had given her so she’d leave the kitchen.
“More importantly, Bertney Jean, it’s a day to

The Superficial | November 26, 2014 - 12:49 pm

Bertney’s Special New Berfend

Bertney’s Special New Berfend
A Learning About Genders Reader

Bertney loved having a boyfriend, and Papa always found the nicest ones to take Bertney to all of her favorite places to eat: The Cheesecake Factory, McDonald’s, Johnny Rockets, McDonald’s again, Red Robin, Taco Bell, and if she was really good, Chuck E.

The Superficial | November 10, 2014 - 2:47 pm

Bertney And The Key To The City

Bertney And The Key To The City
A Good Citizen Reader

Bertney loved keys. She loved keys even more than she loved having a whole day named after her because she already thought every day was named after her.
“On Bertney Day everybody goes to church. And on Bertney Day I

The Superficial | November 6, 2014 - 2:57 pm

Bertney Gets Serxy

Bertney Learns To Be Serxy
A “Your Changing Body And You” Reader

Bertney loved going to the gym. She loved it because Papa stayed home, and she could eat whole bunches of funny tasting candy bars from the snack machine. The gym also had milkshakes, but Bertney didn’t drink them anymore because

The Superficial | October 14, 2014 - 3:00 pm

Bertney & The Duchess’ Underwear

Bertney & The Duchess’ Underwear
An “Exploring The World” Adventure

Bertney loved getting to travel with Papa. He always took her to new and exciting places with all kinds of different ice creams and McDonald’s. Papa said it made her more “cultured” which Bertney thought was a fancy word for hungry because

The Superficial | September 25, 2014 - 3:01 pm

Papa, What’s Porn? A Very Special Bertney Story


This edition of Bertney tackles the very recent and sensitive subject of her “boyfriend,” for lack of a better term, David Lucado cheating on her with pornographic actress Cali Lee. It’s up to Papa to explain to Bertney what went wrong, and we’re sensitive to the fact that…

The Superficial | September 11, 2014 - 3:59 pm

Bertney And The No Good, Gosh Darn Secret That Wouldn’t Stay Secret

Bertney And The No Good, Gosh Darn Secret That Wouldn’t Stay A Secret
A Learning Story For Junior Secret Keepers

A long time ago Bertney got to be in a real, live movie. She doesn’t remember much about it, and has never seen it on account of it not being cartoons, but

The Superficial | September 10, 2014 - 11:32 am

Bertney Gets Back To Work

Bertney Gets Back To Work
A Jump Into Reading! Story For Summer Super Kids

Bertney had an extra fun summer vacation this year. She got to visit The Cheesecake Factory, get Boto-tox, and try on fancy britches that looked purty as pie when the nerdy man made pictures in the ‘puter box.

The Superficial | August 18, 2014 - 2:23 pm

Bertney’s Smurkurr

Bertney’s Smurkurr
A Vroom! Vroom! Story For Early Readers

Bertney loved her new Smurkurr.
“It’s like driving a soder can!” she told Papa the day he brought it home.
At first, she wasn’t happy that her old car had to go away, but Papa said he was tired of burying

The Superficial | March 13, 2014 - 2:30 pm

Bertney And The Moobie Party

Bertney And The Moobie Party
A Word-Hero Super Tale!

Bertney loved moobies. They were always such a fun way to past the time while at home or riding in the car. Especially with Furnch fries! Her favorites have talking animals in them, silly puppets, and sometimes her old friends from being a

The Superficial | March 4, 2014 - 1:49 pm

Bertney And The No-Bra Boobies Dress

Bertney And The No-Bra Boobies Dress
A Read-Master Adventure

Ever since Bertney was a little girl she never liked bras.
“Papa, if Baby Jesus made boobies to hang down and point all diff’rent d’rections, shouldn’t they hang down and point all diff’rent d’rections?” she had asked each and every morning for

The Superficial | February 25, 2014 - 1:57 pm

Bertney’s Old Berfriend

Bertney’s Old Berfriend
A Scholastic Super Reader’s Choice

It had been a long time since Bertney had seen Mr. Jason. Papa had fired him a while back for not making sure she didn’t wander off the set of X-Factor to eat Furnch Fries. Bertney liked exploring.
“Ya had one simple job,”

The Superficial | January 21, 2014 - 2:31 pm
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