Posts tagged "Bertney Stories"

Bertney Meets Miss Iggy

Bertney makes a special new friend while shooting a music video. Her name is Iggy!

By: The Superficial / April 10, 2015

Bertney Learns Maths

Bertney has to help Sean with his pre-algebra homework, but she doesn't know what any of those words mean. And who's Sean?

By: The Superficial / March 27, 2015

Bertney & The Amazing Computer Magicked Bikini

Bertney And The Amazing Computer Magicked Berkini Belly A Positive Reinforcement Reader It was a very special day for Bertney. She was at the courthouse seeing the nice old judge who always had the best news to tell Papa. "Well, Mr. Spears," the judge said from his very tall wooden seat. "After watching the surveillance

By: The Superficial / December 17, 2014

Bertney’s Turkey Durkey Day!

Bertney's Turkey Durkey Day! A Guide To Healthy Eating Bertney loved Thanksgiving. "It's a whole day where I give food presents to my mouth!" she excitedly told a can of whipped cream the caterers had given her so she'd leave the kitchen. "More importantly, Bertney Jean, it's a day to give a thanks," Papa said

By: The Superficial / November 26, 2014

Bertney’s Special New Berfend

Bertney's Special New Berfend A Learning About Genders Reader Bertney loved having a boyfriend, and Papa always found the nicest ones to take Bertney to all of her favorite places to eat: The Cheesecake Factory, McDonald's, Johnny Rockets, McDonald's again, Red Robin, Taco Bell, and if she was really good, Chuck E. Cheese. It was

By: The Superficial / November 10, 2014

Bertney And The Key To The City

Bertney And The Key To The City A Good Citizen Reader Bertney loved keys. She loved keys even more than she loved having a whole day named after her because she already thought every day was named after her. "On Bertney Day everybody goes to church. And on Bertney Day I get to put Lucky

By: The Superficial / November 6, 2014

Bertney Gets Serxy

Bertney Learns To Be Serxy A "Your Changing Body And You" Reader Bertney loved going to the gym. She loved it because Papa stayed home, and she could eat whole bunches of funny tasting candy bars from the snack machine. The gym also had milkshakes, but Bertney didn't drink them anymore because they tasted like

By: The Superficial / October 14, 2014

Bertney & The Duchess’ Underwear

Bertney & The Duchess' Underwear An "Exploring The World" Adventure Bertney loved getting to travel with Papa. He always took her to new and exciting places with all kinds of different ice creams and McDonald's. Papa said it made her more "cultured" which Bertney thought was a fancy word for hungry because that's what she

By: The Superficial / September 25, 2014

Papa, What’s Porn? A Very Special Bertney Story

A WARNING TO OUR READERS: This edition of Bertney tackles the very recent and sensitive subject of her "boyfriend," for lack of a better term, David Lucado cheating on her with pornographic actress Cali Lee. It's up to Papa to explain to Bertney what went wrong, and we're sensitive to the fact that some of…

By: The Superficial / September 11, 2014

Bertney And The No Good, Gosh Darn Secret That Wouldn’t Stay Secret

Bertney And The No Good, Gosh Darn Secret That Wouldn't Stay A Secret A Learning Story For Junior Secret Keepers A long time ago Bertney got to be in a real, live movie. She doesn't remember much about it, and has never seen it on account of it not being cartoons, but she does remember

By: The Superficial / September 10, 2014

Bertney Gets Back To Work

Bertney Gets Back To Work A Jump Into Reading! Story For Summer Super Kids Bertney had an extra fun summer vacation this year. She got to visit The Cheesecake Factory, get Boto-tox, and try on fancy britches that looked purty as pie when the nerdy man made pictures in the 'puter box. "Hows comes y'all

By: The Superficial / August 18, 2014

Bertney’s Smurkurr

Bertney's Smurkurr A Vroom! Vroom! Story For Early Readers Bertney loved her new Smurkurr. "It's like driving a soder can!" she told Papa the day he brought it home. At first, she wasn't happy that her old car had to go away, but Papa said he was tired of burying bodies out by the pool

By: The Superficial / March 13, 2014

Bertney And The Moobie Party

Bertney And The Moobie Party A Word-Hero Super Tale! Bertney loved moobies. They were always such a fun way to past the time while at home or riding in the car. Especially with Furnch fries! Her favorites have talking animals in them, silly puppets, and sometimes her old friends from being a Mouseketeer. "Ryan Goose's

By: The Superficial / March 4, 2014

Bertney And The No-Bra Boobies Dress

Bertney And The No-Bra Boobies Dress A Read-Master Adventure Ever since Bertney was a little girl she never liked bras. "Papa, if Baby Jesus made boobies to hang down and point all diff'rent d'rections, shouldn't they hang down and point all diff'rent d'rections?" she had asked each and every morning for 22 years. "Now, Bertney

By: The Superficial / February 25, 2014

Bertney’s Old Berfriend

Bertney's Old Berfriend A Scholastic Super Reader's Choice It had been a long time since Bertney had seen Mr. Jason. Papa had fired him a while back for not making sure she didn't wander off the set of X-Factor to eat Furnch Fries. Bertney liked exploring. "Ya had one simple job," Bertney remembers Papa saying.

By: The Superficial / January 21, 2014

Bertney Wins A Trophy!

Bertney Wins A Trophy! A Scholastic Learning Book Bertney was excited. Papa had told her she was getting an award for Favorite Pop Artist. She didn't know what that meant, but she guessed it had to do with the time he made her say "Bitch" into a microphone. It was a funny word, and Bertney

By: The Superficial / January 9, 2014

Bertney And The Pew-Pew Laser Pee-Pee

Bertney And The Pew-Pew Laser Pee-Pee By Dr. Seuss Bertney loved performing, but it always made her so nervous. Thankfully Papa gave her extra happy pills and promised to get her a puppy after every show. Bertney loved puppies. As Bertney went on stage she tried to remember all the moves the cory-gopher told her,

By: The Superficial / December 30, 2013

Bertney’s Christmas And Other Stories

Bertney's Christmas A Caldecott Medal Winner Bertney loved "Kissmas." It was her most favorite time of the year. All the houses had such pretty decorations, and she couldn't wait to get toys! Papa had dropped her off at the store to get "cigamett sticks" and find gifts she would like to ask Santa for, but

By: The Superficial / December 24, 2013

Bertney And The Magic Casino

Bertney And The Magic Casino A Yay! Phonics Reader "Can I play the mersheen with the shiny coins?" Bertney asked Papa excitedly as they walked inside their hotel. "Not now, Bertney," Papa replied grumpily. He was upset because one of the bodyguards gave Bertney a chocolate bar on the flight. Bertney wasn't allowed to have

By: The Superficial / December 5, 2013

Bertney Kisses A Boy

Bertney Kisses A Boy For Grades K - 5 Bertney had to kiss a boy for her new perfume commercial, but Bertney didn't like kissing boys. And she especially didn't like commercials. "But boys' moufs don't even taste like Furnch fries!" she told Papa. "And 'mercials ruin my cartoons," she said with a pout. "Now,

By: The Superficial / November 20, 2013
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