Bertney makes a special new friend while shooting a music video. Her name is Iggy!
Bertney has to help Sean with his pre-algebra homework, but she doesn’t know what any of those words mean. And who’s Sean?
Bertney And The Amazing Computer Magicked Berkini Belly
A Positive Reinforcement Reader
It was a very special day for Bertney. She was at the courthouse seeing the nice old judge who always had the best news to tell Papa.
“Well, Mr. Spears,” the judge said from his very tall wooden seat.
Bertney’s Turkey Durkey Day!
A Guide To Healthy Eating
Bertney loved Thanksgiving.
“It’s a whole day where I give food presents to my mouth!” she excitedly told a can of whipped cream the caterers had given her so she’d leave the kitchen.
“More importantly, Bertney Jean, it’s a day to…
Bertney’s Special New Berfend
A Learning About Genders Reader
Bertney loved having a boyfriend, and Papa always found the nicest ones to take Bertney to all of her favorite places to eat: The Cheesecake Factory, McDonald’s, Johnny Rockets, McDonald’s again, Red Robin, Taco Bell, and if she was really good, Chuck E.
Bertney And The Key To The City
A Good Citizen Reader
Bertney loved keys. She loved keys even more than she loved having a whole day named after her because she already thought every day was named after her.
“On Bertney Day everybody goes to church. And on Bertney Day I…
Bertney Learns To Be Serxy
A “Your Changing Body And You” Reader
Bertney loved going to the gym. She loved it because Papa stayed home, and she could eat whole bunches of funny tasting candy bars from the snack machine. The gym also had milkshakes, but Bertney didn’t drink them anymore because…
Bertney & The Duchess’ Underwear
An “Exploring The World” Adventure
Bertney loved getting to travel with Papa. He always took her to new and exciting places with all kinds of different ice creams and McDonald’s. Papa said it made her more “cultured” which Bertney thought was a fancy word for hungry because…
A WARNING TO OUR READERS:
This edition of Bertney tackles the very recent and sensitive subject of her “boyfriend,” for lack of a better term, David Lucado cheating on her with pornographic actress Cali Lee. It’s up to Papa to explain to Bertney what went wrong, and we’re sensitive to the fact that…
Bertney And The No Good, Gosh Darn Secret That Wouldn’t Stay A Secret
A Learning Story For Junior Secret Keepers
A long time ago Bertney got to be in a real, live movie. She doesn’t remember much about it, and has never seen it on account of it not being cartoons, but…
A Vroom! Vroom! Story For Early Readers
Bertney loved her new Smurkurr.
“It’s like driving a soder can!” she told Papa the day he brought it home.
At first, she wasn’t happy that her old car had to go away, but Papa said he was tired of burying…
Bertney And The Moobie Party
A Word-Hero Super Tale!
Bertney loved moobies. They were always such a fun way to past the time while at home or riding in the car. Especially with Furnch fries! Her favorites have talking animals in them, silly puppets, and sometimes her old friends from being a…
Bertney And The No-Bra Boobies Dress
A Read-Master Adventure
Ever since Bertney was a little girl she never liked bras.
“Papa, if Baby Jesus made boobies to hang down and point all diff’rent d’rections, shouldn’t they hang down and point all diff’rent d’rections?” she had asked each and every morning for…
Bertney’s Old Berfriend
A Scholastic Super Reader’s Choice
It had been a long time since Bertney had seen Mr. Jason. Papa had fired him a while back for not making sure she didn’t wander off the set of X-Factor to eat Furnch Fries. Bertney liked exploring.
“Ya had one simple job,”…
Bertney Wins A Trophy!
A Scholastic Learning Book
Bertney was excited. Papa had told her she was getting an award for Favorite Pop Artist. She didn’t know what that meant, but she guessed it had to do with the time he made her say “Bitch” into a microphone. It was a funny…
Bertney And The Pew-Pew Laser Pee-Pee
By Dr. Seuss
Bertney loved performing, but it always made her so nervous. Thankfully Papa gave her extra happy pills and promised to get her a puppy after every show. Bertney loved puppies.
As Bertney went on stage she tried to remember all the moves…
A Caldecott Medal Winner
Bertney loved “Kissmas.” It was her most favorite time of the year. All the houses had such pretty decorations, and she couldn’t wait to get toys!
Papa had dropped her off at the store to get “cigamett sticks” and find gifts she would like to…
Bertney And The Magic Casino
A Yay! Phonics Reader
“Can I play the mersheen with the shiny coins?” Bertney asked Papa excitedly as they walked inside their hotel.
“Not now, Bertney,” Papa replied grumpily. He was upset because one of the bodyguards gave Bertney a chocolate bar on the flight. Bertney…