Posts tagged "Arnold Schwarzenegger"

There Is Your Life Before ‘Fartzenegger,’ And Then There Is Your Life After

The Internet is a powerful, almost evolutionary tool that has catapulted mankind into a wondrous age of technological and sociological progress. It’s been used to start revolutions, advance science, promote diversity, and expose secrets of governments and religions alike. But more important than any of that, it’s allowed someone to add perfectly timed farts to…

The Superficial / June 20, 2014

Arnold Schwarzenegger Isn’t An Actor, He’s A Goddamn Chameleon

“When it burns, it grows.” – Actual line spoken at this exact moment

In an effort to raise funds for After-School All Stars, the Governator’s charity that provides academic and athletic support for underprivileged kids, Arnold Schwarzenegger filmed a viral video where he goes undercover at Gold’s Gym and hilariously sexually harasses wome…

The Superficial / January 22, 2014

Our Shit Is Still Jacked So Here’s Darth Vader Dubbed Over With Arnold Because Why Not?

So, yeah, we’re pulling the chute on this hell of a week because if I look at one more spinning load wheel, I’ll easily purchase an assault rifle and commit mass murder with it per the psychic instructions Obama keeps beaming into my head. We’ll be back Monday (No Most Important People tomorrow because I…

The Superficial / January 11, 2013

This Arnold Schwarzenegger Christmas Party Video Will Melt Your Goddamn Mind

Above is a vintage, and from henceforth classic, Arnold Schwarzenegger video from some sort of ill-advised Christmas party where he literally tells a room full of children that in Austria, instead of Santa, the fucking DEVIL appears in your room at night and tells you everything you did wrong while swinging chains at you. He…

The Superficial / December 21, 2012

Arnold Schwarzenegger Actually Thinks He Won Maria Shriver Back By Making Her Look Stupid

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s memoirs Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story hits bookstands tomorrow, so naturally he’s spent the past few days doing promotional appearances where he’s either confirmed banging Brigitte Nielsen while living with Maria Shriver before they were married or immediately noticing the son of the maid he banged looked exactly like him so…

The Superficial / October 1, 2012

Of Course Arnold Schwarzenegger Used To Hang Out With Wilt Chamberlain

If you didn’t know by now, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s memoirs, Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story, comes out next month, so he’s in full promotion mode because he has 27 illegitimate children scattered across the nation and dey are hungry. So here he is talking to Bill Simmons about the time he went out to…

The Superficial / September 26, 2012

Maria Shriver & Arnold Schwarzenegger Aren’t Getting Back Together

Along with rumors a reconciliation was in the works, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver both were spotted wearing what appeared to be their wedding rings over the holiday weekend, leading many to believe it was only a matter of time until her partially wet Predator tongs received his wayward Austrian baby dispenser in the grope…

The Superficial / January 5, 2012

Arnold Schwarzenegger & Maria Shriver Are Getting Back Together. Why Not?

Arnold Schwarzenegger banged and groped hundreds of women behind his wife’s back, knocking up all of them including the maid who pretended Arnold’s bastard son was another man’s even though the kid looked just like Arnold and somehow always got invited on family vacations without the benefit of being allowed to have genuine, honest moment…

The Superficial / January 3, 2012

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Writing A Book

For those of you just starting to pump Internet into your veins, Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced his tentatively titled memoirs Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story which I almost said the producers of the Total Recall remake must love, but fuck everyone involved with that movie and I hope he titles his follow-up Battleship:

The Superficial / September 22, 2011

Maria Shriver Didn’t Have Enough Sex With Arnold

“Do naht hate da playah, hate da game.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger reportedly used to complain that Maria Shriver didn’t have enough sex with him which seems like a weird reason to make yourself the target of a massive criminal investigation considering she looks like the goddamn Predator. And, yes, you read that right, Maria has spiked…

The Superficial / May 26, 2011

Maria Shriver Leaked The News of Arnold’s Love Child

Presumably because he pulled shit like, I dunno, taking his secret love child on family vacations, Maria Shriver originally planned to hold a press conference announcing Arnold Schwarzenegger had an affair with the maid, according to TMZ:
TMZ has new information from sources connected to Maria. We’re told when Maria found out that Arnold wa…

The Superficial / May 24, 2011

Jane Seymour: ‘Arnold Definitely Has More Love Children’

Apparently, you should never tell secrets to Jane Seymour because here she is at last night’s premiere of Love, Marriage, Wedding blabbing to CNN about how she wasn’t even “remotely surprised” to hear about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s love child, and that she knows there are at least two more floating around out there:
The former Dr.

The Superficial / May 19, 2011

Maria Shriver Used to Joke That The Maid’s Baby Looked Like Arnold

“Mom!”
“I know, I know. I’m an idiot…”
In a telling anecdote of just how well Maria Shriver conditioned herself to ignore obvious signs of Arnold Schwarzenegger groping literally anything with a vagina – Herself being the first clue. – Hollywood Life reports she used to joke that Mildred Baena’s son looked exactly like Arnold.

The Superficial / May 19, 2011

Patrick Schwarzenegger Changed His Name to Patrick Shriver

As absolutely everyone, including people in his own party, continues to be not even close to surprised by the news that Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a love-child with the help and kept it a secret from Maria Shriver while the woman worked in their home and brought the kid around for a decade, Patrick Schwarzenegger ha…

The Superficial / May 18, 2011

When a Grope Becomes a Baby: The Maria Shriver Story

For those of you still losing sleep over how Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver’s marriage could’ve seemingly fell apart out of nowhere, turns out ten years ago he knocked up a woman who worked for them and then paid her to pretend the child was her husband’s as she continued to work for the family…

The Superficial / May 17, 2011

Arnold is Ready For Love

Now that Arnold Schwarzenegger is a single man, Photo Boy and I felt we’d give him a hand re-entering the groping dating scene by making these already dapper shots of him in Brentwood yesterday even more tantalizing to the opposite sex. Granted, we don’t usually do memes, we also don’t usually spend an entire morning…

The Superficial / May 11, 2011

Arnold Schwarzenegger & Maria Shriver Separated

After sticking by him for years and defending him against accusations of groping women throughout his movie career to bolster his chances for governor, Willem Dafoe Maria Shriver has left Arnold Schwarzenegger. The LA Times reports:
“This has been a time of great personal and professional transition for each of us,” the statement read. “After…

The Superficial / May 10, 2011

Arnold Wants in on this Mel Gibson Action

Because topical humor is always the best way for politicians to mask how horribly ineffective they truly are, Arnold Schwarzenegger decided to pepper a speech yesterday with a few Mel Gibson jokes. Haha! Domestic abuse. ZING! Popeater reports:…

The Superficial / July 22, 2010

Britney Spears wants Governator’s help

Sam Lutfi is still considering himself Britney Spears’ manager and called Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s old publicist from his movie days. Sam wants the Governator to step in and make Britney’s legal woes go Hasta la vista, baby. I can’t believe I wrote that last sentence. NY Daily News reports:
“Britney says her civil rights have…

The Superficial / February 14, 2008