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There Is Your Life Before ‘Fartzenegger,’ And Then There Is Your Life After

The Internet is a powerful, almost evolutionary tool that has catapulted mankind into a wondrous age of technological and sociological progress. It’s been used to start revolutions, advance science, promote diversity, and expose secrets of governments and religions alike. But more important than any of that, it’s allowed someone to add perfectly timed farts to… More »


Arnold Schwarzenegger Isn’t An Actor, He’s A Goddamn Chameleon

“When it burns, it grows.” – Actual line spoken at this exact moment

In an effort to raise funds for After-School All Stars, the Governator’s charity that provides academic and athletic support for underprivileged kids, Arnold Schwarzenegger filmed a viral video where he goes undercover at Gold’s Gym and hilariously sexually harasses women… More »


Our Shit Is Still Jacked So Here’s Darth Vader Dubbed Over With Arnold Because Why Not?

So, yeah, we’re pulling the chute on this hell of a week because if I look at one more spinning load wheel, I’ll easily purchase an assault rifle and commit mass murder with it per the psychic instructions Obama keeps beaming into my head. We’ll be back Monday (No Most Important People tomorrow because I… More »


This Arnold Schwarzenegger Christmas Party Video Will Melt Your Goddamn Mind

Above is a vintage, and from henceforth classic, Arnold Schwarzenegger video from some sort of ill-advised Christmas party where he literally tells a room full of children that in Austria, instead of Santa, the fucking DEVIL appears in your room at night and tells you everything you did wrong while swinging chains at you. He… More »


Arnold Schwarzenegger Actually Thinks He Won Maria Shriver Back By Making Her Look Stupid

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s memoirs Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story hits bookstands tomorrow, so naturally he’s spent the past few days doing promotional appearances where he’s either confirmed banging Brigitte Nielsen while living with Maria Shriver before they were married or immediately noticing the son of the maid he banged looked exactly like him so… More »


Of Course Arnold Schwarzenegger Used To Hang Out With Wilt Chamberlain

If you didn’t know by now, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s memoirs, Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story, comes out next month, so he’s in full promotion mode because he has 27 illegitimate children scattered across the nation and dey are hungry. So here he is talking to Bill Simmons about the time he went out to… More »


Maria Shriver & Arnold Schwarzenegger Aren’t Getting Back Together

Along with rumors a reconciliation was in the works, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver both were spotted wearing what appeared to be their wedding rings over the holiday weekend, leading many to believe it was only a matter of time until her partially wet Predator tongs received his wayward Austrian baby dispenser in the grope… More »


Arnold Schwarzenegger & Maria Shriver Are Getting Back Together. Why Not?

Arnold Schwarzenegger banged and groped hundreds of women behind his wife’s back, knocking up all of them including the maid who pretended Arnold’s bastard son was another man’s even though the kid looked just like Arnold and somehow always got invited on family vacations without the benefit of being allowed to have genuine, honest moments… More »


Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Writing A Book

For those of you just starting to pump Internet into your veins, Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced his tentatively titled memoirs Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story which I almost said the producers of the Total Recall remake must love, but fuck everyone involved with that movie and I hope he titles his follow-up Battleship:More »


Maria Shriver Didn’t Have Enough Sex With Arnold

“Do naht hate da playah, hate da game.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger reportedly used to complain that Maria Shriver didn’t have enough sex with him which seems like a weird reason to make yourself the target of a massive criminal investigation considering she looks like the goddamn Predator. And, yes, you read that right, Maria… More »


Maria Shriver Leaked The News of Arnold’s Love Child

Presumably because he pulled shit like, I dunno, taking his secret love child on family vacations, Maria Shriver originally planned to hold a press conference announcing Arnold Schwarzenegger had an affair with the maid, according to TMZ:

TMZ has new information from sources connected to Maria. We’re told when Maria found out that… More »


Jane Seymour: ‘Arnold Definitely Has More Love Children’

Apparently, you should never tell secrets to Jane Seymour because here she is at last night’s premiere of Love, Marriage, Wedding blabbing to CNN about how she wasn’t even “remotely surprised” to hear about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s love child, and that she knows there are at least two more floating around out there:

The… More »


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