Here’s Cameron Diaz in Hawaii over the weekend because there hasn’t been enough shots of practically middle-aged women rinsing themselves off with a hose lately. I know I should be aroused by the shots of her bending over, but all I keep thinking about is that crazy scene in Vanilla Sky. You know, the one where Tom Cruise doesn’t try to make out with Kurt Russell in his mind. How fucked up was that?
Photos: Splash News
Just kidding! I wanted to see what it’s like to make wild assumptions based off two celebrities standing next to each other. Or basically be Star for a day. So for the record, Cameron Diaz is not really pregnant.
Because Justin Timberlake is. WhooooOOOOoooaaaa.
- Ashton Kutcher is clearly not having sex with Demi Moore. [Dlisted]
- Jesse James dodged a bullet if you don’t count the settlement that just happened. [PopEater]
- Somebody’s going to need to burn that grocery store down. [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]
- Jackson Rathbone: A Tale of Shitass Vampire Make-Up. [Lainey Gossip]
- Christina Aguilera and her almost-cleavage. [HollywoodTuna]
- Victoria Justice should legally not be allowed to look like that. [StarPulse]
- Lady GaGa is my kind of drunk. [TheFABlife]
- Wesley Snipes says Michael Jackson was an angel that we “didn’t take good care of.” I assume he means letting him near children. What were we thinking?! [Just Jared]
- Julia Roberts has some fucked up fans. [Celebslam]
- Mindy McCready has a sex tape. PASS. [The Blemish]
- Britney Spears is staying in hotels again. I’ll alert the Pentagon. [PopSugar]
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And now for the final roundup where I just give everybody nicknames because if I see another red carpet photo I’m 90% positive I’ll shit an Oscar statue.
Butt-gantor and her faithful sidekick, Picante Bones
Alotta Fagina
PieTrap Canyon
I’ll Star in Anything
MyShitty DontStinkerson
No BelongyHere
Proof Shia LaBeouf is a Pedophile
THAT HORSE IS EATING THAT MAN’S WILL TO LIVE!
Cougaronia, Slayer of Egos
AND
There’s Been a Terrible Mistake
I was about to let the entire weekend ride on what may or may not be Snooki’s quasi-naked ass, when thankfully for you, Cameron Diaz’s nipple decided to pop out in Malibu today. Granted this requires everyone to look near her gaping mouth, scientists tell me it’s gravitational pull isn’t nearly as strong as previously predicted. You only need one ship’s anchor in your lap.
Pics link to NSFW versions.
Cameron Diaz found some time to hit the beach while filming Knight and Day in the Caribbean with Tom Cruise, and you know what I just noticed? There are never rumors about him sleeping with his leading ladies. Seriously, never. Every other actor in the world is accused at least once during a film of banging a female co-worker, but not Tom Cruise. Because no one would believe it. Even the kooks who swear they photographed the Loch Ness Monster rimming Elvis outside the White House would be like “Tom Cruise in a woman’s vagina? Ahahaha! You should be in a mental institution.”
(Could you tell I had absolutely nothing to say about Cameron Diaz? MISDIRECTION.)
- Randy Quaid’s wife puts up a fight while the two get arrested in Texas this afternoon. [PopEater]
- Don Draper will shoot your ass up. [Lainey Gossip]
- Megan Fox on the cover of Nylon magazine. Warning: Does NOT contain cleavage. [Just Jared]
- Kid Rock goes back to pretending he’s a hip-hop artist again. [PopSugar]
- Amber Heard at the premiere of Zombieland. [Celebslam]
- Cameron Diaz is into firemen. [Drunken Stepfater: Site is NSFW]
- Milo Ventimiglia found a replacement for Hayden Panettiere. [Socialite Life]
- Nicole Richie promises not to look like Gollum again. Seriously this time. [ICYDK]
- Kanye West can’t be having sex with Amber Rose. Just can’t be. [Drunken Stepfather: Site is NSFW]
- Jude Law has a new daughter because apparently paying child support out the ass is his favorite. [PopEater]
- Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz reunite in Boston, and he seems to be giving her the classic Katie Holmes arm grip. You know, the one that reminds her not to show human emotion or Xenu will Klaxon ray them both to death. Yeah, that one. [Lainey Gossip]
- Amy Winehouse randomly shows up at schools and beats up kids now. What took so long? [Just Jared]
- Trevor Donovan must work out. [PopSugar]
- Kevin Federline will appear on the next season of Celebrity Fit Club and I will call that fat bastard “Messiah” if he eats Dustin Diamond. Messiah. [Celebslam]
- Jackson Rathbone was injured on the set of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse. Must’ve been all that lame, non-threatening, dry-humping vampire action. Shit will kill you. [WonderWall]
- Drew Barrymore has mommy issues. Oh, yeah, well Mackenzie Phillips’ dad stuck his penis in her for 10 years, so maybe quit your bitching. Just a thought. [The Blemish]
