Suri Cruise kicks the economy’s ass, says

November 19th, 2008 // 58 Comments

Economy gotcha down? Suri Cruise’ll make it all better. The adorable half-pint, who may or may not be the product of L. Ron Hubbard’s frozen man-goo, sent the Internet a flutter today when it was revealed she topped “Hollywood’s 10 Hottest Tots” list. Turns out during these times of financial woes, folks just can’t get enough of a miniature Katie Holmes:

But as the economy heads toward what many predict is a recession, these adorable kids–and the desire to chronicle their upbringings–may become more important than ever. Simply put, fawning over celebrities and their picturesque families may be just the sort of distraction people need.
Dina Sansing, entertainment director for Us Weekly agrees:”It’s much more fun to look at cute pictures of Suri,” she says, “than think about how much your 401(k) has decreased.”
Suri’s first place ranking on the list comes from strong performances across the board. She earned the top spot for public awareness, received more blog mentions than any other Tinseltown kiddie and was referenced in more than 1,300 news articles.

Here’s the complete list of high-powered spawns:

1. Suri Cruise
2. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
3. Zahara Jolie-Pitt
4. Pax Jolie-Pitt
5. Sam Alexis Woods
6. Cruz Beckham
7. Matilda Rose Ledger
8. David Banda
9. Sean Preston Federline
10. Sam Sheen

Ha! Denise Richard’s daughter lost to Britney Spears’ kid – and it wasn’t even the cute one! I’d love to be a fly on their wall when that news hit.

DENISE: Sam, I’m very disappointed in you.
SAM: I’m sowwy, mama.
DENISE: You did a very bad thing. Jesus, that little boy’s parents are practically brother and sister.
SAM: Yes, mama.
DENISE: We should probably stage a press conference and say it was your father’s fault.
SAM: Daddy puts sugar in his nose to give him happy thoughts.
DENISE: Okay, good. You remembered your lines.

Photos: WENN

  1. mimi


  2. mimi

    Where are all the hard hitting news stories FISH-NUTZ has been trying to cover?

    Top 10 Hollywood tots!


  3. b

    suri sucks, and so do her crazyass parents.

  4. Erica

    Asian kids are pretty cute.

  5. CarmelMum

    Why don’t they learn how to dress her? Her dresses are too long and the poor kid needs some socks. That haircut is dreadful! Poor kid doesn’t stand a chance with batshit crazy, Scientology, ill-bred parents.

  6. dork

    Who’s that boy holding Suri?

  7. Question

    you can this little girls is a totally whiny pain-in-the-ass that wants everything. You always see her with her in-the-closet parents treating her like she’s platinum wrapped in skin. fuck this little b**ch. anyone else feel like giving her a fat knuckle sandwich to the face?

  8. Billy

    and why do her lips look they’ve come down with the clap? her parents need to step up and find out who she’s been blowin. hopefully it’s not good old dad.

  9. Jeezy


    Also, five of the top ten kids have stupid names. Come on Hollywood!

  10. Why do you we all have to be diaper sniffers cause the economy is down? stay focus folks…

  11. Whatever

    #7, no, no I don’t. Jealous much? She’s just a kid. Leave her the fuck alone.
    Seriously, what’s with the obsession about celebrities’ kids? They really aren’t all that exciting…

  12. Why would anyone want pics or news about these little spoiled brats?? It’s one thing to watch grown up celebs to make fun of them or watch their “wardrobe malfunctions” but these talentless little kids are just lucky to be born to rich people.

  13. Chocolate Rain

    Asian kid is Asian.

  14. p0nk

    i just donated my daughters shoes to salvation army last week. glad to see they found a good home.


  15. Seriously...

    So they’re offering up pictures nobody gives a crap about as a cure to losing all your money?

    To the writer over at

    You’re an idiot. Please do not breed. Give back your degree in Communications or Journalism or whatever and jump off a cliff.



  16. Question

    #11, totally jealous. I wish I had a father that liked to dress my mother up like a dude and then made me dress up to look just like my dudeish mom

  17. lola

    suri’s legs are desperately short, even for a child.

  18. erica

    She’s got cankles. Just saying.

  19. gotmilk?

    that’s weird, i don’t give a shit about any of those kids.

  20. that is

    one ugly ass kid!

  21. Andrea

    y’all are mean, but to add to the shitfest… c’mon, aren’t suri’s eyes crossed? They are so wonky in every picture I see of her.

  22. Missy

    Why isn’t Violet Affleck on that list???

  23. e-rock

    Now thats funny shit Fish!!!! See, you can be more clever than “here’s another set of boobies!”. Come on, THIS is why we come to this site!!
    Thank you Superficial, that was hysterical.

  24. will

    Violet Affleck is hideous.

  25. KB

    Notice mom and the guy in the back drop are dressed for cold weather, yet the girl has no jacket and is bare legged. Nice.

  26. zuzuspetals

    With genuine interest in Suri’s future well-being in mind, I’m hoping she has an enlightened aunt or grandparent in her life who will pull her aside and let her know she’s really not that special.

  27. Christopher

    What a weird little mutant… You can definitely see L. Ron in her jaw, though.

  28. NY Ted

    Geez…the squirt is almost as tall as her “fake” dad already!

    I’m no gene expert…but I don’t see no Tiny Tom Thumb in her face!

    But I did look up an old picture of L. Ron Hubbard….SPITTIN’ IMAGE!

  29. Not from TCLTC

    Is it just me, or does this kid look more and more like Chris Klein the older she gets….?

  30. supersex

    was she beaten with an ugly stick?

    now i know why animals sometimes eat their young

  31. 28

    what an uglyyyyyyy kid. no, it’s fugly. ughh.

  32. Chauncey Gardner

    Jesus fuck! That kid looks like Tom Cruise’s ugly cousin, William Mapother (“Ethan” on the first season of LOST)!

  33. Norris

    Is it just me, or does Suri look like a female version of Damien from “The Omen”?

  34. Retarded Noodle

    If she were my kid, then i’d dress her up in a dog suit and put her to sleep forever.

  35. Chauncey Gardner

    The real father (remove the spaces):

    http://ww 1/

  36. Meanmofo

    Sorry, that kid is freaky looking!!

  37. zsa

    I think she’s adorable. She’s one lucky lil kid though, and I hope she doesn’t grow up to be a spoiled bitch.

    Seriously though, what the fuck is up with Katie Holmes? Didn’t she used to be hot? I know she now has access to more money than God, but that doesn’t give her an excuse to look like this. If anything that gives her more of an obligation to look better than the rest of us schlumps.

    She needs to grow out her hair too. Sheesh…Ok, I’m done.



  38. Chauncey Gardner

    Suri will, at best – AT BEST – grow up to look like Linda Hunt, or the little costume designer lady from ‘THE INCREDIBLES’. But, more than likely, she’s gonna grow up to look like that Spartan hunchback in ’300′ who couldn’t even fit a normal-sized helmet over his large, malformed, chronically ugly dome. And it doesn’t matter how much money Tom throws at this problem. Sean McNamara and Christian Troy couldn’t even fix this mess.

  39. Miss Brown Eyes

    You have to laugh… here these famous people call up the media for a photo-op for their UNfamous children and the friggin’ NANNY (the black woman behind Katie & Suri in picture 4 with the duffel bag) has to be along just to try and top that 1,300 “news articles” (1,297 of which was reports on when the kid took a dump in her Pampers).

  40. dew

    @5 CarmelMum is SO right!

    That little girl is probably as cute as a button, but it’s so difficult to see any cuteness behind her FUGLY haircut! It’s not uprising, because look at her mother’s hair, all old looking before she’s even 30. Next Katie will be dressing the both of them in long straight khaki skirts.

  41. dew

    Darn, I forgot to add: Violet Affleck is the cutest of all celeb kids, evah!

    And her mom is naturally pretty, and can kick some butt (when she’s not pregnant)!

  42. Ted from LA

    Sick, but funny. I would never, however, make fun of an ugly kid, even if her dad is a gay Scientologist.

  43. Astrid

    She’s cross-eyed.

  44. 1moreidiotintheworld

    It’s those eyes!!! Those fucking, alien eyes!!!!! They stare at you and subliminally command you to seek her out every where, and buy everything that has her picture!!!!!! She speaks in my head at night, whispering some scratchy martian dialect, telling me to convert to Scientology and worship her and her alien father!!!!!!!! Where’s the aluminum foil???? I gotta go wrap up my head again……….

  45. The fact that this list even exists is an indication of the extreme mental retardation of popular culture.

    So now we are comparing and ranking innocents and assigning value and worth to them before they have a chance to grow and become something.


  46. Lisa

    this kid never has a coat on-her parents do all the time. how could they not put a coat on her. I read somewhere she doesnt like to wear a coat, she prefers the blanket. Any parent in their right mind would force a coat on her especially in NYC-

  47. Lisa

    this kid never has a coat on-her parents do all the time. how could they not put a coat on her. I read somewhere she doesnt like to wear a coat, she prefers the blanket. Any parent in their right mind would force a coat on her especially in NYC-

  48. Lisa

    this kid never has a coat on-her parents do all the time. how could they not put a coat on her. I read somewhere she doesnt like to wear a coat, she prefers the blanket. Any parent in their right mind would force a coat on her especially in NYC-

  49. ThisListSucks

    #11 STFU. That is so high school saying jealous much. Anyways, yes, Violet Affleck should have been near the top of that list and Mandonna’s ugly kid shouldn’t have even been on it.

  50. hatedie

    Someone from CPC (children’s protective services) should note that this kid is NEVER dressed warmly enough for the weather. Her dull-brained mother is always layered, coated and booted, but this little one strolls the winter streets of NY in bare legs and short sleeves. Poor little match girl, indeed.

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