Suri Cruise is worthless

June 26th, 2006 // 65 Comments
no-suri-cruise.jpg

There’s a reason no pictures of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ daughter have been revealed yet and it’s because nobody is willing to pay enough money for them. A photoshoot of Suri was offered to WireImage but – unlike the Shiloh Jolie-Pitt picture which sold to People for $4 million – the highest bid was $3 million at which point the offer was rescinded.

There’s one other explanation and it’s that there never was any baby to begin with. Sure Katie Holmes got fat and went to a hospital, but nobody has seen the child yet so there’s no proof it even exists. Unlike my huge wang, which is so massive its existence has threatened international security. Russian spy satellites can’t figure out how to deal with it. Just like the women I bring home. They mostly just coo and swoon.

superficial

  1. Jaydel

    First biatch!!

  2. MeanNate

    What’s it like, to be born a whore?

  3. Jacq

    The photos would be of them kidnapping/buying someone else’s baby.

  4. notalotjellytot

    that is just brilliant. haaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhaaaaaaaaaa. Dont you just love it when the baby-prostituting backfires. They have no class. Someone save that child, for the love of God.

  5. AJKINCT

    Poor Suri she has a crazzy father and a whore for a mother!

  6. frangly

    I haven’t believed that baby existed from Day 1. The pictures when Katie went out wearing that shirt that snaps under the crotch (what are those called again?)? With her belly hanging out in order to “prove” that she was pregnant? That was too bizarre to be real. Naw, there is no baby.

    I can’t wait till Tom Cruise’s house of cards comes tumbling down. But at least Tom Cruise loves the cock, so he does have that going for him. Which is nice.

  7. Jacq

    The problem lies in the fact that the general public wouldn’t know how to react to a cyclops with no belly button or ears. Although it wouldn’t be out of place, National Enquirer wouldn’t have that kind of scratch anyway.

  8. jane's eyre

    No one wants to buy them because everyone knows what Suri looks like anyway:
    http://sociedadesecreta.blogs.sapo.pt/arquivo/baby_alien.jpg

  9. twzzlrgirl

    Oh, I believe there’s a baby, but my guess is it’s as ugly as sin. I mean, I don’t think babies are all that cute to begin with, but with these two as parents it’s probably a midget with a permenant rash on it’s face….yuck.

  10. Jacq

    #8 – That looks like Ignoramous from the Keith/Nicole thread. But, what would I know? Apparently, I’M FRENCH.

  11. cruzin333

    I believe there’s a baby too.

    I just don’t believe it’s Tom’s.

    Since TCLTC and all!

  12. twzzlrgirl

    O.k., and is it just me, or does Tom Cruise look like he hasn’t had a bath or washed his hair in about 6 months?

  13. go_the_swannies

    No one wants to pay for the photos because they know that the money will go to the crazy cult aka scientology

  14. spanglish

    I don’t think there is a baby…yet. They fattened Katie up while they had her drugged and made her wear “the belly” and then when they ran out of time to produce said baby, they pretended Katie gave birth. The ship hasn’t landed yet with their “real” child.

    Suri sounds like an act of nature, like a hurricane or something.

  15. YouWannaBMe

    Can I just say how much I FUCKING HATE coming on here and the first thing I see is a PATHETIC LOSER who has to say, “FIRST!” Do you really think anyone cares? It only proves how much time you have on your hands and how worthless you are anyway. Get a fucking life…

  16. YouWannaBMe

    Katie isn’t a whore. She’s Scientology’s equivalent of the Virgin Mary. And if a baby exists, it’s Xenu’s baby, not Tom’s, since we all know how much he loves the cock, and being teabagged.

  17. dominocat

    if you look at how Tom and Katie smile, that baby’s going to have a grin like the Joker…

    (assuming of course that Suri a. exists b. is biologically theirs)

  18. Jacq

    I’m just taking a shot in the dark, but who else is with me – Suri will have rat teeth. Lots and lots of rat teeth.

  19. Jacq

    And we spend so much time ragging on Paris – Don’t forget Katie has herpes, too.
    http://www.thesuperficial.com/2005/05/04/katie_holmes_ha.html
    Nas-tee.

  20. jane's eyre

    20
    Gross, that is nasty shit.

    (Don’t) Kiss Me Kate.

  21. imabeeatch

    Don’t you guys remember. They are supposed to ignore the kid for the first week or so. But TC, being the crazy fuck he is, is going to be sure his kid’s not fucked up by ignoring it for at least the first year.

  22. PapaHotNuts

    You can see my baby for just under $100.00.

    My baby anaconda, that is. It’s right here in my pants.

  23. eatmyass_sherry-co

    #20- thanks for the reminder.

    I have the following guesses for a combination of mouth problems and pregnancy:
    1. The mouth problems are a direct result of the suction created from Katie sucking the seed from the alien that impregnated her, you did know that alien impregnation was through the mouth, right?
    2. The mouth sores are from Tom Cruise ass kissing. I guess she didn’t realize that the burning sensation meant she didn’t have to suck ass, just kiss it. She was impregnated by aliens.
    3. She is an alien fucking herpes whore.

    I’m going with #3. TCLTC

  24. I’m thinking it doesn’t exist. Nobody’s even interested in a photograph. We’re so over Cruise.

    http://www.wehateeverybody.com

  25. For 3 mill, I will STEAL that baby, and give it to the paparazzi to raise. *cue the mission impossible music* This is a real offer! Call me!

  26. ESQ

    An absolutely worthless couple…I wish they would disappear into oblivion!

  27. Going by the unhealthy trend in Hollywood, no one’s seen baby Suri because she’s still a bit puffy from all the plastic surgery. One can never get a chin tuck or brow reduction too early. Plus, they have to make the kid look at least a little like Tom.

  28. SuperSonicsGirl

    #6 It’s called a onesie, they usually belong to babies. Katie must have figured since there is no baby someone in the family should wear one.

  29. MissyDra

    That is so funny. I was just saying today how it seemed those two (three?) had dropped off the planet (taken by Xenu??). And now we see a story about them *not* making the news. God bless them. Or whoever it is that would.

  30. #8 jane’s eyre LOL!!!!!!

    I just LOVE the fact that for years Tom Cruise has been told he is the biggerst star in the world by every star fucker he employs…and now, his baby whoring brought over a million less than brad Pitt. HA!!! Thats what you get for renting a has been Herpes Riddles TV actress to spawn your demon seed instead of spending the big bucks for a movie womb. Now get outta here Tom, my cock is tired of being stared at.

  31. Toonlite

    See…what happens is that they got some sperm…..and Katie applied it to her glowing uterus using a turkey baster….Tom was busy…giving a tongue waxing to some guys schlong prolly….

    But the Sperm was from a African American donor *God Bless them*…and Suri Cruise is 1/2 African American and 1/2 alien….they thought is was L. Ron Hubbard’s schiz they were thawing out…..how wrong they were…

    Suri is 1/2 BLACK…HENCE…NO PICTURES ….

    That is why Tom “I Love Cock” Cruise wanted Jamie Foxx as a god father…..to help Suri fit in the African American community….it just makes sense…..

  32. Reli

    I’m pretty sure that they have no baby.

  33. RichPort

    Alien babies generally sprout their wings shortly after gestation and tend to fly away when not properly anesthetized. In rare instances something goes horribly wrong. In this case it appears to be devouring its host from the inside out, thus explaining that horrid grimace on the face of the future Miss TCLTC.

  34. andrewthezeppo

    Lately my roommates and I have been playing the Dawson’s Creek drinking game with some DVDs: Drink when a word is more than 4 syllabals, drink when somebody runs for no reason, drink every time somebody says sex or virgin.

    Everybody just constantly bitches about Joey being a bitch or Katie Holmes being ugly and a bad actress….but just a few years ago everybody thought of her as America’s Sweetheard…sad

  35. filmbuff666

    I don’t think its actually possible to take a picture of Suri. When it looks in the camera the lens breaks and all the film suddenly bursts into flames. Quite sad actually – many a camera has lost their lives.

    As for the offer of 3 million? Well I just want to know how it feels when someone goes. Here’s 3 million to take a picture of your child…(looks at child)….wait I take that back. I’ll give you the rest of my spearmint gum and a condom.

  36. imabeeatch

    ^^A used condom^^

  37. LadybugDoes

    Born into scientology. The poor thing didnt even have a choice to become brainwashed. I’d rather be dunked in snot and eaten alive by mosquitos.

  38. PaisleyMoon

    #8..that’s a photo of a Harlequin syndrome baby. It’s not a photoshopped joke and died shortly after that photo was taken It’s not comedy, it’s some real persons greatest heartbreak. You are not informed and not funny.

    #15 ..well said.

    #20, that is not herpes, that’s what you get when you’ve undergone a Scientology detox procedure involving the vitamin niacin.The vitamin can decrease cholesterol and boost circulation – but large doses can cause a red rash.

    I hate Tom Cruise, he’s a disgusting little homosexual troll, and I think it’s hillarious that his kid’s photo isn’t worth as much as Brad and Angies.

  39. LadybugDoes

    Born into scientology. The poor thing didnt even have a choice to become brainwashed. I’d rather be dunked in snot and eaten alive by mosquitos than to be that kid dude.

  40. baratdoherty

    im sorry but you aways have the funniest headlines LOL

  41. Iambananas

    THAT
    IS
    BECAUSE
    SHES
    NOT
    REALLY
    PREGGERS…
    LOOK
    HERE
    http://images.popsugar.com/uploads9/012106katiebumptimelinebg0bj.jpg

  42. biggutonenut

    As I was sunbathing today, I had an epiphany…

    As many Tom Cruise comments as Ive seen on this site…you’ve all forgotten something, overlooked it entirely..and the realization shocked me today…

    RTLTC….how could you all forget…just ask the missus..and yes TC does still love TC.

    I cant crap on his kid because a) I cant crap on innocent kids (unlike wacko jacko) and b) his kid will probably be really cute

  43. meat-tulip

    #39 – Looks like we have a fucking doctor in the house. Ha,ha, I just love it when some inane dingbat gets all pc on the superfish. Although it is a rather informed observation that TC by any medical standard does LTC. His heartbreak be damned and all.

  44. Jacq

    #39 – Is that what happened to your first born? Thanks for coming around and being so well informed. Now, fuck off.

  45. jane's eyre

    39
    Gee, I thought that Googling “alien baby” would be a safe bet. Sorry I don’t spend time researching the picture that I found on a Spanish “secret society” website. Now take the alien probe out of your butt and lighten up.

  46. yuckyfresh

    i guarantee that katie or kate or whatever her name is now wishes with all her pathetic little heart that you guys are right and there is no baby with a dumb name. but unfortunately for her, she’s probably started to realize that this is a nightmare she won’t be able to wake up from and so she’s hiding the baby and hoping the whole story will just go away. i imagine she’ll either be in a nut house, rehab, 300 lbs or dead within the year.

  47. yuckyfresh

    @8 – great pic jane :)

  48. Shelley Bonnechance

    What has happened to Katie? She used to be so cute and now she just looks like a very tall department store mannequin with a toothy grimace on her face.

    I bet she could break Tom over her knee like a twig. He’s just a little bitty sawed-off thing and she apparently has some giantish blood flowing through her veins.

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