Suri Cruise is worthless


There’s a reason no pictures of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ daughter have been revealed yet and it’s because nobody is willing to pay enough money for them. A photoshoot of Suri was offered to WireImage but – unlike the Shiloh Jolie-Pitt picture which sold to People for $4 million – the highest bid was $3 million at which point the offer was rescinded.

There’s one other explanation and it’s that there never was any baby to begin with. Sure Katie Holmes got fat and went to a hospital, but nobody has seen the child yet so there’s no proof it even exists. Unlike my huge wang, which is so massive its existence has threatened international security. Russian spy satellites can’t figure out how to deal with it. Just like the women I bring home. They mostly just coo and swoon.