Suri Cruise is a Scientologist

July 10th, 2006 // 60 Comments

People are speculating that nobody’s seen Suri Cruise yet because she’s being raised super Scientologist-like. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are suppowedly following the teachings of L.Ron Hubbard who advised against exposing young children to noise. The Scoop reports:


  1. Italian Stallion

    Forza Italia, TCLTC………..

  2. Jaydel

    Who’s on first biatch?

  3. Jaydel

    dayum….close…..deez nuts

  4. most probably he didnt stop at placenta. ate the baby as well.

    cocks,babies, taste the same. they r like chicken to tom.

  5. Pat

    that tin foil joke was kind of easy, I feel.

  6. jane's eyre

    I think he’s taking his M:i role a little too seriously–seems like he wants to be Ethan Hunt in real life. Does he run around, hiding behind buildings, rolling between cars, and humming his own theme music?

    Oh yeah, and the Superfish guy is showing his age. It’s ALUMINUM foil, they don’t make it out of tin anymore. Ha.

  7. Camusa

    Cruise is such an asswipe.
    He loves telling people how to run their lives and what they are doing wrong and all the “answers” that he has.
    Didn’t he say he does not believe in psychology?
    That is funny because this “engram” shit sounds an awful lot like Cognitive psychology’s theory on “schemata” and “reaching clear” sounds a lot like how one would go about changing one’s schemata. I hope that Tom dies and that Katie marries a Jewish, Buddhist Man where she can study from the Torah and eat mustard seeds to prove the existence of death.
    Bite me dough-boy.

  8. guest1234567

    I was worried about what the name of my next fantasy sports team would be. I think they will be call, ‘The Engrams.’ That name should scare the crap out of my opponents!

  9. Giggles

    I start reading posts beginning at #5 to avoid those who have nothing else to do than say “first” or whatever.

    Anyhow, this child does not exist. We practically witnessed the “parents” having sex in front of us. And photo of a child covered in a blanket 3 months later? There’s something wrong here.

  10. RichPort

    TC must summon the mothership before he can fully cloak Suri in her human-like outer shell. His eyes must be rolling in the back of his head to invoke his alien brothers, and fortunately (since he loves the cock) for him that involves being anally raped.

  11. I still think it’s possible she doesn’t even exist!

  12. jrzmommy

    yeah, they’re apparently raising “Suri” in a quiet atmosphere. and we all know that any form of stimulus is awful for a baby because babies should be treated like a piece of veal and kept in a sensory depravation chamber so they don’t — god forbid– learn any thing.

  13. jane's eyre

    It’s not rape if both parties willingly consent.

    TC + TC = 4-EVER!

  14. Hey, Jaye, I say tinfoil too…and I’m not old. I think it’s like how some parts of the country call refreshing carbonated beverages soda and some call it pop.

  15. Italian Stallion

    We all know Tom Cruise loves the Cock but did you guy’s know Jaydel drinks cum from a ladle?

  16. Rylie


  17. At what age can a child sue for emancipation from his/her parents? Because I think Suri (if she exists) should hire a lawyer and begin proceedings immediately.

  18. RichPort


    Agreed, but if you push your ass back pretending to fight your ‘attacker’ off, not only does it create a better rythym and a good excuse for farting like dog whistle, it helps you pretend that you do not in fact love the cock when it’s well known that you do.

  19. HollyJ

    I’m with 12. The first time the paparazi start bustling around Suri, she’s going to go catatonic and start seizuring on the sidewalk, because her under-stimulated brain can’t handle input.

    Then TC will start jumping up and down, yelling, “See! L.Ron is right! Noise DOES do this to toddlers!!” in a self-fulfilling prophesy.

  20. jane's eyre

    I never thought of that. That could explain it. My husband calls it that too, but he has no excuse, we live in CA. He’s just old. =)

  21. PapaHotNuts

    I think James Engram is a good singer, but I had no idea he fucked Katie Holmes. Maybe Suri will be able to sing R&B.

  22. jane's eyre
  23. jrzmommy


  24. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? Can’t we, like, change the channel or something? There is no force in the universe that could make me care any less.

  25. HollyJ

    22 LOL!

  26. ellaminnowpea

    pretty bad when Lester Holt has to discuss it on this morning’s Today Show….but more and more people seem to believe there IS NO baby….which would be a GOOD thing…
    This poor excuse piece of carbon taking up space air breathing asswipe needs to be locked up!!

  27. jrzmommy

    27–The Today Show has it in for Tom Cruise because of the whole Matt Lauer pissing match (rightfully so). I think it’s hysterical that the Today uses any excuse to continually show examples of how Tom Cruise is an assclown. I wish I could have seen smug ol’ Lester’s face.

  28. pop

    he’s as crazy as a placenta sandwich on rye! seriously he’s THAT nuts…because we all know the proper way to eat placenta is in a taco….

  29. When we finally all see the “kid”, she will have magically turned into a he – an 18 year old swede with a preference for balls and whose only English is the word “yes”. TomKat will explain that through the power of Scientology, little Suri was transformed into the very manifestation of her father’s dream. Tom will then detail how he takes great delight in bathing with Suri, changing her soiled diapers and sucking her cock like a dippy.

  30. thebor

    I have a good reason TC is losing it. GASP, Scientology is not working as advertised any more. Think about it, MI 3 was kind of a dud and Bragelena got more money for the baby pics than they did. Which I am sure is too much to get over for an egomaniac like TC. The world is falling around him; let

  31. DancingQueen

    Tom Mapother is a crazy mother f-er.

    Oh yeah, and he is frighteningly fond of the phallus.

  32. Doxes

    #7 It’s different when HE does it.

  33. #7,

    The reason all of that sounds familiar is because L.Ron Hubbard had help from psychologists in creating the religeon. The reason they are so adamantly opposed to any Scientologist going to a psychologist is because a first year psych student would recognize the techniques the religeon uses to keep it’s folks in line….they should recognize it, it is straight out of Pysch 101 textbooks.

    I wonder if Tom Cruise is silent while he “Loves the Cock”?

  34. jrzmommy

    I just love the way that they come up with yet ANOTHER reason why there is yet to be a Suri sighting……this time it’s their scientology beliefs. I just can’t wait for them to have to admit there is no Suri.

  35. Libraesque

    Am I the only one who realizes that he is NOW TALLER THAN SHE IS in this pic???? Is he
    A.) wearing his 6 inch Prince platforms with the goldfish in the heel
    B.) Does his hair have a 6 inch hard on
    C.) Is Katie on her knees?

  36. Libraesque

    Am I the only one who realizes that he is NOW TALLER THAN SHE IS in this pic???? Is he
    A.) wearing his 6 inch Prince platforms with the goldfish in the heel
    B.) Does his hair have a 6 inch hard on
    C.) Is Katie on her knees?

  37. TRGal

    You guys crack me up!!! LOL

  38. andrewthezeppo


  39. Jacq

    #22 – Nice, as always. I SOM.

    TCLTC? Paranoid? Acting strange? Say it isn’t so.

    We need a new picture of this freakshow. Preferrably one where Katie looks like shit and has rat teeth. So, pretty much any picture…

  40. jane's eyre

    Thank you, thank you.

    *lacing fingers together, cracking knuckles*

  41. ChickenScratch

    I haven’t read any post’s yet, I didn’t even finish reading the story….


    What the fuck is going on here?

    I’m not a brainiac, however, I do manage to glance over words that I type to make sure it’s right.

    I don’t know why a little typo irritates me so, but it has thrown off my whole balance, my day is completely ruined.

  42. 36–it’s in the prenup that she has to cock her head to the side whenever theres a photo op with TC since it makes him hot and bothered to think of cocking. she can do all the imbalanced facial and body retardations since it all too natural for her. she of half face spasms when she speaks.

    oh, and TCLTC always and forever….

  43. ChickenScratch

    Oh, and Jane, that is another classic from you!
    Your artwork always makes me laugh out loud and shoot out my beverage through my nose.
    Just wanted you to know :)

  44. twzzlrgirl

    I still think this kid doesn’t exist. It would be better if she doesn’t — any poor kid raised by these fruitcakes isn’t going to make it long once they reach school age.

    And Tom is an idiot. You don’t make your kids healthy and strong by keeping them from the world. You just turn them into little bigoted jackasses early in life. (Sorry for the serious soapbox there but this kind of thing really irritates me.)

  45. francesfarmer

    Apparently this is Suri’s certificate, it’s a crappy picture file but not as crappy as Hubbard’s fiction novels

  46. twzzlrgirl

    Some interesting things about that birth certificate: first, the person who authenticated it and picked it up is a “friend” whose signature is illegible. Second, it was issued some 20 days after the supposed “birth” — a long time for a certificate to be issued. Third, the RN who signed was not in the room at the time of the birth and never saw the baby. Hmmmmm…check out the facts here:

  47. Ramdonomo

    #9 doesn’t start readings posts until #5, which is a shame since #4 was the funniest.

  48. Shelley Bonnechance

    I think Tom has taken a little trip to Michael Jacksontown, which may or may not be in California.

    Michael Jackson started with all this weird paranoid shit where he was lying in that oxygen tank sucking pure air and never going outside without a mask, etc. etc. He also does that odd thing with his kids where he only lets them out if they’re wearing burquas or Halloween masks or whatever.

    It’s strange to think that back when I was in high school, Michael Jackson was a handsome, normal-looking young man with great dance music.

    Now it’s happening to Tom Cruise, the big flippin’ weirdo: the paranoia, the strange health rules, the invisible baby….

  49. PansyAston

    I still am puzzled how the expectant parents went to the hospital undetected. Wasn’t there a 24/7 stakeout on the house?

    Plurals are very rarely formed with ‘s.
    How did this start? The confusion between its and it’s? Lose and loose? Lie and lay?
    The seething grammatical rebellion of internet surfers? Heehee……

  50. Spunkbubble on J. Alba's chest

    No noise? That baby is probably wondering if its born yet or still in the womb. These goofy scientologists. Now I don’t have to make fun of just Christians anymore!

Leave A Comment