For those of you emerging from a coma and/or living in a country where football is actually played with your feet, Super Bowl XLVIII was last night. And while it may have started as a fierce athletic competition between two championship teams, that all ended not even 12 seconds into the game when the Seattle Seahawks scored a safety and literally became the Harlem Globetrotters to the Denver Broncos‘ not-the-Globetrotters for the next three hours. And if you think I’m making it sound bad, wait until hotel security has to open Peyton Manning‘s room tomorrow. But enough pigskin talk because here all the trailers that aired during the Vietnam of Super Bowls for your procrastinating pleasure:
I’m placing these in order from shittiest to badassest, so here’s the spot for RoboCop which barely contains any new footage and looks like it was slapped together by whoever does the Almost Human‘s spot because it probably was.
NEED FOR SPEED
Aaron Paul has already admitted that doing this movie was a “business move” which is really all you need to know about it. Well, that, and it’s obviously some sort of satanic Illuminati ritual to keep Paul Walker trapped in the spirit world.
THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2
And if anyone gives a shit, it was basically a teaser for this online clip which was apparently a theme this year.
TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION
I know Michael Bay is the director, and this will be a steaming pile of shit, but goddammit, if there isn’t something awesome about Optimus Prime mounting a Dinobot. Not like that! Although I’m sure Michael Bay will find some way to show robot nad. Every artist has his signature.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER
And finally the crown jewel of Super Bowl trailers that Marvel is already so happy with that they’ve signed the Russo Brothers for Captain America 3. Then again, the last movie Marvel put out was Thor: The Dark World, so all this one had to do was not have Chris Evans save the world with science sticks, and they probably jizzed all over his shield. Or one of Woody Allen‘s kids. Hollywood’s weird.