Here Are All The Trailers From The Super Bowl

February 3rd, 2014 // 14 Comments
Captain America Winter Soldier

For those of you emerging from a coma and/or living in a country where football is actually played with your feet, Super Bowl XLVIII was last night. And while it may have started as a fierce athletic competition between two championship teams, that all ended not even 12 seconds into the game when the Seattle Seahawks scored a safety and literally became the Harlem Globetrotters to the Denver Broncos‘ not-the-Globetrotters for the next three hours. And if you think I’m making it sound bad, wait until hotel security has to open Peyton Manning‘s room tomorrow. But enough pigskin talk because here all the trailers that aired during the Vietnam of Super Bowls for your procrastinating pleasure:

ROBOCOP

I’m placing these in order from shittiest to badassest, so here’s the spot for RoboCop which barely contains any new footage and looks like it was slapped together by whoever does the Almost Human‘s spot because it probably was.

 

NEED FOR SPEED

Aaron Paul has already admitted that doing this movie was a “business move” which is really all you need to know about it. Well, that, and it’s obviously some sort of satanic Illuminati ritual to keep Paul Walker trapped in the spirit world.

 

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2

Here’s the spot for The Amazing Spider-Man 2 which instead of “Enemies Unite” should’ve been called “Stuff You’ve Already Seen But With Way More Telegraphing That Emma Stone Is Totally Going To Die.”

And if anyone gives a shit, it was basically a teaser for this online clip which was apparently a theme this year.

 

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION

I know Michael Bay is the director, and this will be a steaming pile of shit, but goddammit, if there isn’t something awesome about Optimus Prime mounting a Dinobot. Not like that! Although I’m sure Michael Bay will find some way to show robot nad. Every artist has his signature.

 

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER

And finally the crown jewel of Super Bowl trailers that Marvel is already so happy with that they’ve signed the Russo Brothers for Captain America 3. Then again, the last movie Marvel put out was Thor: The Dark World, so all this one had to do was not have Chris Evans save the world with science sticks, and they probably jizzed all over his shield. Or one of Woody Allen‘s kids. Hollywood’s weird.

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  1. Looks like a real showcase of originality. I was just thinking we needed more sequels of more comic book movies.

  2. Cock Dr

    The Weed Bowl didn’t turn out 2 B quite as exciting as hoped.
    These movies will probably continue that theme.

  3. The “not-the-Globetrotters” are the Washington Generals. FYI.

    I’ll show myself out now.

  4. Oh, and did I actually see Robert Redford in the Captain America trailer? Talk about slumming for a paycheck.

  5. I don’t really understand why a giant alien robot needs a parachute (or two) but Optimus Prime riding a Dinobot will get me to watch this movie on Netflix at some point. Presumably home sick with a fever, just like when I watched G.I. Joe.

    • donkeylicks

      BEAST WARS Megatron!!! Ok, I know I’m showing my hand here but he starts off as a T-rex and ends up as a dragon by the end of the series! Thoughts?

  6. Sheppy

    I hope they were just CGI Seisto Elemento and P1′s that they destroyed.

  7. From the Michael Bay script…
    Optimus Prime: “Fate rarely calls upon us at a moment of our choosing. Quickly! Put on this bikini and polish the Dinobot.”

  8. Lord Helmet

    Wow, this looks like a really good summer for action movies. Stunning, original plots. Action that’s only there to support the story. Fine character moments. Oh, no wait. That was the wet dream I had last night. (among others)

    Bring on the popcorn and cliche trailer fodder one-liners, Hollywood! Michael Bay needs a new Ferrari!

  9. I’m looking forward to these movies. Marvel is on a hot streak with their movies. I liked Thor: The Dark World. And I hope that Spider-Man movie has a lot of great action because that’s what makes a good spider-Man movie imo.

  10. More 2 hour cgi demo reels that people will pay to see, than still wonder out loud why all we get now are shitty movies.

    Because you’ll pay for them.

  11. D-chi

    Irrelevant to this post, but thanks for hosting a Florida Grand Opera ad! I sang with the chorus one season. Best eight months of my life.

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