Stop Telling The Rock to Run for President

In a new GQ piece promoting the new Baywatch movie (which looks like the kind dog shit that will make hundreds of millions of dollars), Dwayne Johnson is depicted as the nicest sonofabitch that’s ever walked the planet… and I believe it. This guy went from dishing out peoples’ elbows on PayPerView while wearing purple speedos to making multi-billion dollar movies that even your mom likes. It’s hard to hate The Rock because he’s so gosh darn positive all the time. When did we stop calling him “The Rock”, by the way? Was it when he started wearing suits without ties?

“A year ago,” he says, “it started coming up more and more. There was a real sense of earnestness, which made me go home and think, ‘Let me really rethink my answer and make sure I am giving an answer that is truthful and also respectful.’ I didn’t want to be flippant—‘We’ll have three days off for a weekend! No taxes!’”

Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if our current president actually said those last two suggestions at one of his white power *erm* campaign rallies- so I guess The Rock might be a step up…

So, after all that consideration, Johnson doesn’t hesitate when I ask him whether he honestly might one day give up his life as the highest-paid movie star on earth—which is unquestionably easier, more fun, and more lucrative than being president of the United States—in order to run for office. “I think that it’s a real possibility,” he says solemnly.

You’re thinking about it aren’t you? What it would look like for The Rock to run a campaign of ‘whoop ass’ against one of the Palin-salmon-spawns in 2028…

“Let The Rock remind you something, America- what we’ve got here is some grade-A, heaping, stinking pile of monkey crap and I’m challenging YOU, Bristol Palin! I’ll be seeing your candyass on the presidential debate stage on October 19th, on ESPNBC!”

*Crowd goes berserk*

Bristol: “Shove it up your ass! Poor people suck!”

*Crowd boos*

Announcer: “I can’t believe it! The Rock is taking on the Alaskan baby-factory for the Presidential title! I know everybody loves a villain, but Bristol is going off her rocker on this -have you ever seen- oh my GOD! She’s pulled out a moose antler from the crowd! Remember to cast your absentee ballots by next Thursday or this match might be blacked out in your market! This will be the biggest smackdown since the 2018 Comey-Trump rematch in Atlantic City!