Stifler: I had sex with Jessica Simpson

June 13th, 2008 // 39 Comments

Stifler, whose real name is apparently Seann William Scott (I had no idea.), addressed the Internet rumors about why there’s tension between him and Nick Lachey. Turns out Stifler and Jessica Simpson had what grown-ups call a “special hug.” Here’s my brief transcribing of what he said to

DJ Whoo Kid: I heard you had beef with Nick Lachey, man.
Stifler: Oh, ’cause I fucked Jessica Simpson?
[Assorted OH!'s, DAMN's, That is WACK!'s]
Stifler: No, but I did!
DJ Whoo Kid: One rumor out da way!

Why wasn’t this bit of awesome included on the Dukes of Hazard DVD? And why did I just admit I watched said DVD? I should’ve admitted something a little less embarrassing – like I have chlamydia. Don’t worry; I’m on antibiotics. Ladies.


  1. anona

    More to the point, did any of the waiters catch her before she went home with her placemat?

  2. anona

    I think it’s funny that Madonna started to wear black roots with her bleach blonde hair to show she’s not grey, presumably, and now every other hollywood girl has to follow suit!

  3. vito bonespur

    Hey #17, I totally agree with you.

    You were quite eloquent in calling him “a colossal piece of shit” and a prick. I’m a breeder and we don’t want him either. Maybe the zoophiles will take him.

    Then again, maybe not.

    Hell, I’d love to be with Jessica Simpson (you listening, Jess?) and I sure as shit wouldn’t tell anyone.

    That dude is a real fucking asshole! (Never particularly liked him in his movies either.)

  4. Wow, Stifler! You gave her the “Stiff One”, huh? Nice!!! Did she leave footprints all over the General Lee’s windshield? Hey, was there a wet spot left in the passenger seat. Who cares? You’re an asshole for opening your mouth. We now know Jessica Simpson has had sex with at least two “Douche Bags” in her lifetime. I’ll let you guys ponder over who’s the other one. Hint: His first name rhymes with “Dick”!

  5. ash

    What a little shit. If Jess did partake in such a mistake he must have slipped her some date rape drug.

  6. Mike

    Nice try, pole-puffer.

    Like Tom Cruise, he is trying to imitate a macho heterosexual. This is a dead giveaway that he’s gay, because there are no macho heterosexuals left anymore. Straight men have all become pussywhipped, bleeding-heart losers, completely dominated by women.

    Kind of funny that the last refuge for the John Wayne archetype is with the gays in their little fantasy-land.

  7. Mona

    Jessica Simpson got hit by the ugly stick recently so there’s nothing to be proud of Seann with two ns.

    The fact that he has two ns in his name.. is like “go and get two ks Nick and then we’ll talk.” Douchebag.

  8. What is this guy, in eighth grade? Sure, he porked Jessica Simpson, sure he did. And he’s such a class act, he decided to announce it during a radio interview THREE YEARS LATER.

    I call bullshit on this fuckwad.

    Can’t he just line up a decent beard like everyone else in Hollywood? I hear Liza Minelli is available.


  10. dystopia

    @5 It’s definitely DEFINITELY.

  11. Don’t forget about Bam Magera in that little list of set men

    guess she will fuck anyone.

  12. Yup

    J E S S I C A S I M P S O N = Door Knob!

  13. Brooke

    Great way to announce to the world that you are a homewrecker, Seann William Scott. I’d be proud of that if I were you (sarcasm)! I don’t believe this is true…I believe the Jess/Johnny rumor more than I do the one you’ve just cooked up. Atleast, if Johnny did hook up with Jessica, he had the good sense to have it leaked quietly, like he didn’t do it himself. Then, deny it when it became a huge rumor. Although, I guess if you’d just leaked the rumor about you and Jess, then no one would believe it (about like they are doing now) and it wouldn’t ever make it to the press.

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