Steven Seagal Might Run For Arizona Governor To Stop All The Mexicans, But He’s Not Racist!

January 6th, 2014 // 46 Comments
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When we last left Steven Seagal, he was enjoying his new career as a Russian arms dealer thanks to his old pal, and stand-up guy, Vladimir Putin. But now that he’s conquered the world of international weapons trafficking, it’s time he focused his karate powers on more humanitarian endeavors like the sweet tang of rape keeping all the Mexicans out of America by becoming governor of Arizona. Via KNXV-TV:

“Joe Arpaio and me were talking about me running for governor in Arizona which is kind of a joke, but I suppose I would remotely consider it. But probably I would have a lot of other responsibilities that may be important to address. … People are talking about, oh, Islamic terrorism in America, but I don’t think it’s that at all. I think our biggest problem is open borders.”

Seagal then added that he’s not a racist, he simply just tries “to get the bad guy” who in this case happens to be all the Mexicans. But, for all he knows, it could be someone who’s black, middle eastern or some sort of Asian. “It’s literally a grab bag of ethnicities that could be committing crimes against white people, so I’m not going to be racist and single just one out,” I’ll assume he said while asking if the reporter is married and if her husband would mind if he sensually massaged her vagina with the tip of his penis. “Purely for the sake of mystical arts,” he’ll quickly add as the fluttering of his kimono becomes almost hypnotic, like the night rain.

Photos: Getty


  1. Brian

    Trying to protect white people? I thought Steven Seagal was a Native American Japanese man? At least that was the image he’s been trying to curate.

    • JC

      Fun fact: His paternal grandparents were Russian Jews, and apparently his un-Americanized last name was Siegelman. I’m assuming he’ll soon deport his own Commie ass back to the motherland?

      • Brian

        I just read on IMDB that he’s Russian-Jewish, Irish, and Mongolian. Throw that into the whole Cherokee Japanese thing he’s got going on, and it all makes sense. He wants to close the border because he is the pinnacle of multiculturalism, and adding any more to the country would just be silly.

      • Ha ha! “His own Commie ass”! It’s funny because Russia was Communist like forever, so it doesn’t matter when his grandparents were born or when they emigrated to the U.S. (like, say, before 1917), or why they emigrated. They were from Russia = they’re Communist! Q.E.D.!

      • JC

        I thought using the phrase “deport his own Commie ass” was ridiculous enough to mark it as obvious sarcasm. Apparently I was wrong.

      • Yeah, I had a feeling it was, but I decided to go there anyway. I’m bored today.

  2. I really don’t see the racist part, but then again, I’m not the liberal equivalent of Glenn Beck.

    I mean, I’m sure there is some racism at play in the anti illegal immigrant thing, but there is also that whole deal that the Canadians aren’t swimming across the Boundary Waters to pick oranges.

  3. “I think our biggest problem is open borders.” Jesus man, Segal is our solution as he’s so fat and obese he can plug that hole in the border in the fence or tunnel the Mexicans keep on making ASAP.

  4. As a resident of Arizona and an intelligent person, I can assure you that this oaf hasn’t a chance here in politics. The Arapio connection is not a smart one either as that senile old man just cost the county of Maricopa another $31 million in a lost ACLU lawsuit. Look up the total over the years and it is a massive amount of money that would have paid for the fence…. “What do you expect” I suppose you will say as Arapio is a product of the biggest waste of taxpayer money in history – the DEA… Steven Segal is an overweight joke looking for publicity for his reality show. He may claim to be deputized here but so can anyone who has the $4,000 that the sheriff demands as a “Contribution” for the privilege. I have lived in other countries and states and in all my life I never knew the name of the local sheriff – who is it in Manhattan? Of course no one knows…

    • What you in Arizona would call a “sheriff” we in New York would call the Police Commissioner, and we all know here that it’s Bill Bratton, because he was just reappointed to the position by our new s̶o̶c̶i̶a̶l̶i̶s̶t̶ mayor.

      • I thought the commissioner was just a liason between the police department and batman?

        Sheriffs are often elected not appointed by the mayor.

      • New York City has a sheriff (also appointed), but he’s a minor functionary in charge of civil law enforcement. Frank the Duck was referring to the chief criminal law enforcement officer and saying “of course no one knows” because he thinks everyone is as oblivious to civic matters as he is.

      • No Tom, I was referring to the Sheriff actually ( you know, the guys who put you out of your apartment when you didn’t pay the rent..) and you did not know who it was either…

        Frank can’t vote :o( so he doesn’t care who the politicians are , he was just making the point that most people have no idea who the sheriff is in an urban setting because they pay their rent and mortgages and do not have assholes that are publicity hounds in that office…
        See above where The Duck has a green card……

      • Except you were making the comparison to Sheriff Joe Arpaio, who is the chief criminal law enforcement officer of Maricopa County (Phoenix, Arizona), and hence the equivalent of the Police Commissioner of New York City.

    • Joe Blow

      Yet Arapio continues to be re-elected. Go figure.

  5. So if millions of people are streaming through our borders illegally, we’re not allowed to make this stop, or send them back, unless they’re lily white, because then enforcing the law would be racist?
    Can’t we just stick to the facts here, and mock him for being fat and delusional about his martial arts skills?

  6. Doesn’t seem like being a pal of Vladimir Putin would be an attractive selling point to anyone.

    • You’re forgetting about Goldfinger and the other Bond villains – they’d probably be impressed. Also, retarded children. And Jenny McCarthy.

  7. I would love to see what Segal’s “other responsibilities” are that will keep him from running for office. Honestly, his daily routine is probably close to this:
    -Spray tan
    -Lard Rubdown
    -Just For Men touch up
    -Prank call “Kelly LeBrock” (remember *67 this time.)
    -Lunch at Golden Corral
    -Chased out of Golden Corral for snoring
    -Call my agent to see what roles I lost to Jim Belushi.
    -Wash myself with a rag on a stick (Saturday only)

  8. Get Over It Fish

    WTF does this have to do with race, Fish, other than the fact that you’re turning into a soapbox douche bag?

    My great grandparents managed to come to this country legally; we have something called immigration laws that dictate how you can be here lawfully.

    Mexicans who are here without employing the due process enshrined in law are CRIMINALS. Yes, Seagal is an ass hat who has been sniffing his farts way too long. But you? You’re an ass hat who uses what is supposed to be an entertaining site to lecture visitors on your idiotic politics. Please stick them up your ass, Fish.

    I’m going to start boycotting your advertisers (and tell them why I’m doing it). Maybe that will get your ass fired so we can get someone else who will stop ramming his politics up our asses.

    And your dick lickers can kiss my ass. I don’t care what they think of what I say. They’re all as stupid as you are.

    • But who will write the snarky commentaries under the pictures of celebrities? Surely, this is a skill possessed by only a very few, highly trained master craftsmen? Do you think the owners of this site could ever possibly find someone as witty and gifted, not to mention as woefully uninformed on current events as Fish? It could take them minutes to find a replacement!

    • I may be a dicklicker (well shemale ones anyway), but at least I can think of a synonym for the word “ass”.

  9. JimBB

    I bet the first immigrant he tries to keep out of the U.S. is Jean-Claude Van Damme.

  10. Deacon Jones

    Seagal is forgetting that little incident with the Russian “housekeeper”. Little things like that come to bite you in the ass when you step into politics, Gino.

    (Swinging pool ball in rag)
    “Anybody know who killed Bobby Lupo!?”

  11. Dan Quayle


    • Ted

      I’ll see that and raise you a ‘Corpseman’. Quayle was handed the word spelled incorrectly on a card. Obama is Commander in Chief and can’t pronounce a correctly spelled military word.

  12. God, he is such a clown, wannabe tough guy. He is a slightly more credible fake tough guy than Mark Wahlberg, but a much worse actor. Isn’t his obsession with guns pretty much an admission that all his martial arts training was pretty much a waste of time? He is so fucking terrible he can’t even get in Expendables 3 and everyone is in Expendables 3.

  13. “So you’re out of the Kiwi? Dang. Well, give me the Meltonian cream, then.”

  14. i hope when he chases all the mexicans out, he does just that- chases.
    on foot.
    as fast as he can.
    because we all know-

  15. Ragnar

    Mexican isn’t a race, but illegals are breaking the law.

  16. Kimmykimkim

    He needs to do something about rude ass Asian, middle eastern and Indian men. Hate those guys. At least Mexican men will hold the door for you.

  17. bearandbu

    Sorry dude, but Mexican is not a “race”.

  18. biff

    the only way i see him running for anything is if he’s making a run for the border.

  19. Toopier

    Dude, That Grecian Formula is not for beards. The lead acetate can be absorbed through your skin and make you think you are qualified to run for public office.

  20. cc

    I’m just glad it’s not Ted Nugent. His ‘lowering the age of consent to 12′ tested poorly in focus groups.

  21. As an out in the open Libertarian, I have a valid question. Based on the comments in this section, I’m under the impression that fat jokes are still acceptable at this point and is not considered hate speech by political correctness. Please confirm.

    P.S. Is it just men you can call fat, or are women fair game?

    • If you owed your celebrity in significant part to your physique, and you let yourself go while trying to maintain the same level of celebrity, it’s fair game to point out that you’re fat now. See also: Presley, Elvis; Simpson, Jessica; Spears, Britney.

  22. Ted

    What’s racist is letting all the illegal aliens in to take jobs away from black and hispanic US citizens and legal immigrants facing record high unemployment. If you want to support corporate fatcats in keeping wages down with an unlimited supply of cheap labor, be my guest.

  23. bobhardcore

    His *just for men* indigo black painted on beard makes my bawls hurt from laughing…

  24. dnttreadonme

    Since when have all countries south of mexico become mexico, in fact people from central and south america come to the us too. But lately, its mexicans who take the blame for immigration problems in the us. Get the facts right people!

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