Pancreatic Cancer, Huh?

August 7th, 2014 // 26 Comments
Steve Jobs

Being asked every second of every day when the new iPhone is coming out would drive anyone to fake their own death, so here’s a wheelchair-bound, yet alive Steve Jobs in Brazil where he’d gladly risk a knife to the throat than talk one more second about diamond quartz screens. According to legend, he’s been known to take flight and knock iPads out of villagers’ hands while cawing like a bird. Gola pássaro da morte, the locals call him which roughly translates to “turtleneck bird of death.” Although, if you ask him, he’ll say it means “Steven-Claw” while scratching at the air. Superstition can be a powerful tool when placed in the right hands.

UPDATE: And here’s the official cover story which will rainbow wheel every Apple device if you don’t it accept as fact. Choose wisely.

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  1. Come on Fish. Some things are just off limits. This is one.

    • Because you want to fuck your iPhone? Fuck off, fanboy.

    • Nothing is off limits.

      • EDWARD ELIZABETH HITLER

        No, nothing is off limits, especially when it comes to a douchebag like Steve Jobs. Maybe stupid hipsters think he was some kind of fucking technology saint but in reality he was just a vulture capitalist with an ego the size of Belgium and a sense of paranoia that makes Andy Grove look like John Denver. (“WHO ANDY GROVE” texts the douchebag with the iPhone.)

        So when Bill Gates kicks off will there be all this caterwauling and calls to the Pope to make him a fucking saint? Of course not, even though Gates (as much as fucking hate him too) has had a FAR greater influence on technology than Steve fucking Jobs EVER did. The real brain at Apple was Wozniak, a far greater mind and better human being than Saint Steve of the Hipsters ever was.

        So yeah, fuck off, Apple douchebag.

    • haha, the Apple fanboy has iButthurt.

  2. Ruckus

    All they ever needed to do was to switch him off, and back on again.

  3. Mr. Poop

    LMAO!

  4. Nothing is off-limits…..this is ‘Mercia!

  5. Picture taken with a Samsung right?

  6. Ian B

    This is on poor taste.

  7. I wish that was a very ill Ashton Kutcher.

  8. tito

    i think the OP was saying that making fun of the guy in the picture who isn’t steve jobs was taking things a little too far.

    • Seeing as how that’s Jobs’ head photoshopped onto what may be someone else’s body in a wheelchair, that’s a load of bullshit. And since 1) no one’s making fun of someone who’s been ‘shopped over, and 2) there may not even be “a guy in the picture” in the first place, the OP can pretty much go fuck himself with an iPhone.

  9. GriZZyGrant

    …Command+Option+P+R

  10. MZ MIZRY

    headtransplant.exe

  11. tlmck

    Is he having dinner with Elvis later?

  12. See, this is why you’re supposed to remove the head after you hammer in the stake.

  13. It’s Brazil. Clearly he’s been wheeled off to the bunker where he will meet with Elvis, JFK, and Hitler to plot their next move.

    • Casey Serin

      Oh please. If Hitler were alive today, he’d be 125. Everyone knows he passed away in Argentina back in 1984 at the ripe old age of 95. I hate it when people just make shit up

    • srsly

      eveyone knows thats looney bullshit.
      jfk is on the moon.
      hitlers brain is in brazil.
      and elvis was here but just left the website.

  14. whatever

    you know that man and his EGO is so ENORMOUS he WOULD fake his own death, for the pleasure of seeing people cry and be sad over his passing
    AND to pump up the sales and create a massive PR wave based on him dying, making himself an ICON, getting a MOVIE
    I would not put this past him, he might really be alive, again, an ego like that could not just go home and be sick, WORK or DIE wasn’t that his motto sort of. FAKING death is even ego-cooler.

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