Stephen Tyler’s Bulge: Cock Piece or Just Weird Old Balls?
Today, as I was meeting up with my paparazzi photo dealer at our usual spot (the back alley of a Baskin Robins in case you were wondering) he handed me these photos of Aerosmith’s Stephen Tyler performing at Rock in Rio. At first I said, “Gary I can’t use this! Where are the goods, kid — I need boobs, balls, bloodshed! I can’t work with this, gahbage!” (it should be noted that I talk like a news editor from a 1940’s pulp novel whenever I meet with Gary).
Then I took a closer look and saw what looked like a time portal to rock n rollers past… in his pants.
Before I go further with this, let me just say that I think Aerosmith is rock n roll’s biggest travesty. They have literally suckled every possible teat on the sell-out sow that is the music industry since their inception and they’re the epitome of hokey. Hell, Joe Perry almost keeled over and died on stage last summer playing with fellow cornball musician, Johnny Depp. Aerosmith fans are also a dwindling species — like green turtles, rhinos, and Mickey Rourke. Most of their hardcore fans are in places that still think Mariah Carey is still hot: the Philippines, Pakistan, and of course… Brazil.
So here we have Stephen Tyler in all his acid-washed, geriatric drag queen glory, doing the same routine he’s been doing since 1973. I was struck by the bulbous-looking package this guy is slamming in the faces of VIP ticket holders who damn well got their money’s worth every time Stephen Tyler wafted his asparagus-smelling grundle directly into their nostrils. What IS this thing?
A cup? A bag of sunflower seeds? Has his old dong simply taken this odd, top-to-bottom lump shape after years of being constricted in gaudy women’s pants? Asking for a friend…